ramble after the weekend
i wish we could have spoken today - my therapist and I - but important things (like my broken tooth and the parishioner's teeth)
had to be taken care of. So we both went to the dentist which is 1 hour 20 away.
for some reason by the grace of the higher power - this weekend
taught me so much - I came back to the monastery
having spent so much time thinking and focusing on the road
i have some clarity now about my own inclinations -
yes I'm discovering my contribution to the world lies outside of what
my daily role here and outside of being a family member and friend is
each one of us contributes in our niche - it may seem lonely to have a niche but
for me it really feels a common unity in it's individuality! :)
I have ideas about the way I think things should go -
and i feel the agency to do that in my life- or to live that -
I realize I keep knocking at the door of my family relationships in hopeful expectation
of having the kinds of relationships i'd like
but that may be a kind of pressure i am giving as well
and so I also realize I have to start making my own family so to speak.
and not impose my image of how my family should be or want it to be on them - but know I have
the ability and the right to make the kinds of relationships -and the kind of family
I want - I can see how at times I so want the epitome of things -
and that might be about attention seeking - wanting the iconic house you seeing while you drive
past it on the road - the cute car - etc... - and so I realize this and I have regroup
and focus on and love the life I am making and I personally have and not get stuck
on what isn't or what should be -
also momentary social blips in relationships during the day now are being assessed as either important because
they matter or unimportant - because they don't matter
rifts happen :)
the relationships here at the monastery are so much about
the experience between each of us and god -
I felt an individual experience with the icons today - and it seemed like
the most important relationship in the room to me today - and indeed that is what
we're respecting here - between each other - but also it just gets so weird at times -
also the nun who I work with behind the iconostasis really plays a shitty bitchy game of
power and i saw right through it today - it reminded me of when my mother's boyfriend
got annoyed at my mom's bs at one time - and he said 'Save that shit for your kids"
I'm trying not to put my power on others - I"m trying to do good work -
I am awake to it within me - I am learning that my reaction to being so subjugated
by my extended family at the party - because it can seem so utterly collective and somewhat
of a game of knock him off his pedestal - that I had to regroup and find myself
again after the party - but I understand it now - it happened growing up
too - I have put it all aside and I am getting back on my pony - so to speak.
It was so nice to get back to the monastery routine yesterday and today -
it really was great!
I definitely feel safe and at home
Replies
Apologies guys, I must seem like a spoiled brat. I have a wonderful extended family. But it takes a lot to transition from being with them to remembering I have a life when I am on my own. The group always superseded the individual and it was my own lacking that had me undeveloped and not knowing how to be me when on my own. Does that make sense?
This is a response from my therapist. It’s too good not to share. I think I’ve looked for a way to avoid exposing myself to pain or hurt in the creation of wisdom’s and safeties. Even using the ‘we’ Arfie is part of that. But now I’m seeing we all have to compromise on a level for our expectations for how we are going to be received. Compromise as an concept is really helping me:
From my therapist:
I think your experience is pretty common when you move far away from your nuclear family after a long period. There is a period of transition with both close and extended family while our own lives get reconfigured. We get new eyes, almost, to see all the relationships and compromises that everyone makes.
I think compromise, again gives me a sense of knowing that it's something each of us has to deal with.
I started to feel like I had to start more in earnest making myself vulnerable but then I also
realized that I became very much at the whims of others. Not for others' faults - but I am
also seeing that part of being self responsible is protecting yourself from making yourself
vulnerable. It's another concept that's making me feel inclusive and yet also viable.,
Ok, have a good day folks! I've got Christmas things to prep for! :) sending xxoo