Relief

I don't want to jinx myself...I'm not superstitious, but I don't want to jinx myself, lol. After several weeks, maybe even months, I am actually starting to feel better. I feel like the cloud over my head is breaking up and the weight on my shoulders has lessened. I know this won't last. I know this is a common stage that we go through and I have many, many hard times ahead. However, for right now and for however long it lasts, I feel like I can breathe. The vise around my heart has loosened. I am going to try to enjoy it rather than waste this time dreading my next downward spiral. This is a first for me. In the past I have felt guilty for feeling better and waited on pins and needles for the darkness to return.

I revealed in my last post that I might be having or developing a problem with my medication. Yesterday I experienced the damage it can and has caused.

My husband receives a prescription for Ativan, a drug similiar to Xanax and in the same class, Benzodiazepines. I have been dipping into his bottle when I felt I needed more. As time went on, I did it more and more, with his knowledge. He thought it didn't do that much for him and didn't always take as much as was prescribed anyway, though he did take some every day. Well, yesterday he told me he had been having a bad time, feeling anxious, nervous, jittery and even paranoid. It scared me so much. He has always been the strong one. We called our psychiatrist but it was several hours before he was able to call back. So we waited around for hours, my huband suffering...then it occured to me...I asked him how long he had been out of Ativan and he told me it had been about a week. I felt like that was the problem, and I had caused it.

When our doctor called back he spoke with Steve for about an hour. When he found out that Steve had been out of his medication for a week he went into DEEP instruction about how the medication has to reach a level amount in your bloodstream and maintain that level. To run out, or go cold turkey, throws your brain chemistry off balance and can be very dangerous. It takes a couple of days for the medication to get out of your system, then you bottom out. We had gotten our prescriptions refilled yesterday morning so we had plenty. The Doc gave him instructions on how to take it for the next couple of days to get his system balanced again. He is feeling better today, not 100%, but better.

He ran out because I was taking my medication AND his. He hid his discomfort from me for a few days but yesterday was so bad he finally told me how bad he was feeling, and it was my fault.

He has been so strong and supportive for me...even now he doesn't blame me for taking his medication and told me he just wants me to be okay...so I am feeling better in my grief, but terribly guilty for causing my husband such discomfort. Well, I learned my lesson. I will NEVER take his medication again. I will take what I am prescribed, in the correct amount. I will discuss my symptoms not being managed with my doctor and do what he tells me to do. It could be that I simply have to learn to live with a certain degree of discomfort. I will do whatever I have to do, but I will never put my husband in this position again. Even though he knew what I was doing, it was still stealing, by law, because his medication belongs to him and him only. We are not supposed to share medications.

I have been very selfish. Please, dear SOTHS, please don't coddle me and tell me not to feel guilty about this. I know it's very hard because we are so protective of each other and our instinct is to try to make each other feel better about themselves...but in this case, this was a wake-up call and I need to feel it's entire effects. I needed this...maybe to prevent a future accidental overdose. I also need to acknowledge more how much I have to be grateful for in my husband and how much I appreciate him.

Thanks for listening (reading),

Gina

P.S. I too have had problems with this new site. I don't have to change my password everytime I get on but sometimes I have to enter it over and over again before it finally allows me in. It's very sensitive and tempermental, just keep trying. There is so much less activity on here since the change and I find that so sad. I hope everyone will keep trying and keep trying and eventually we will get used to it.