Releasing guilt and shame

I found a name for my brokenness and now I don't need it anymore.  
I was told once that many survivors of childhood trauma derogate and diminish the experience.  Yes bad things happened but people get over worse.  My rational mind always just wanted to just let it go but I couldn't.  I could not pray it away, talk it away, write it, forgive it, confront it or outrun it.  Silently guilt and shame ate away at my spirit and I could not understand why.
I know nothing that happened to me was my fault but I never knew why it broke me.  Deep down I felt it was because (as I was told)  I was weak, worthless and a screwup.  I felt guilty for the many ways in which my past affected my life.  I felt ashamed.  BPD says you have nothing to be ashamed of.  You were a child and children were not built to tolerate the level of dysfunction and distress which you went through.  Yes you broke, you broke in a predictable fashion  given your circumstances.  You are not alone.  You are no weaker than anyone else, in fact your journey has made you incredibly strong, compassionate and empathetic.
The past 8 years and in particular the last 3 months have been my crucible.  I have been through the fire, facing the raging, unfettered torment of every demon I have ever had, fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, powerlessness, hopelessness, desperation and depression.  I went through the fire and came out free; broken down, purified and reconstituted stronger and more beautiful than ever.
My friends I am now surrendering to unspeakable joy in my life, with no positive changes in my circumstances, simply acknowledging that even though I gave up on God, He did not give up on me.   
I said before CFS is irrelevant.  Having been stripped of everything which to my mind defined my worth in this world, having faced my deepest sense of worthlessness, having walked unshielded through the despair, I came through naked but unafraid.  That which lives within me cannot be disconnected from its source, and it can in no wise be increased or decreased by any circumstance, possession, person or thing.  No matter what, my spirit knows its way to joy, for joy is home.
For me CFS is not psychosomatic it is spiritual.  CFS stopped me in my tracks, stripped me down and forced me to face who I really am.  CFS has set me free.
Bless you my friends.  Thank you for holding my hand.  May your journey also be blessed.

Replies

triunfadora
triunfadora

Wow! This is incredible! You literally hit rock bottom and God was there. It sounds like you have reached a turning point on your journey. Letting go of shame is so crucial. I applaud you, Max, and I think if I get quiet enough I can hear all of Heaven cheering. There is great rejoicing in the Kingdom today over you. You are a brave and beautiful soul! Much love.
DarlaC
DarlaC

Max! This was the most uplifting journal I have read in a very long time. Praise be that you have found yourself, and your freedom from oppression!!! Your past IS your past and oh my, how you have suffered.

I am SO thankful that you realize that God never deserted you and that you can start all over with joy in your heart. What an awesome blessing. Thank you so much for writing about it and sharing with us how far you\'ve come.

Wow. This is wonderful. May God continue to bless you! xo