Relaxed All Day
Today I didn't do much.. just did laundry for the most part. I also cooked dinner, but I do that almost every night so I don't really count it in things that I do- unless I'm in a severe depression, then anything I can accomplish counts. People don't understand how hard it is sometimes just to get out of bed when you are depressed. Taking a shower, brushing your teeth, it all seems impossible- but you have to force yourself to do it. Yuck, I know, right? But that's life with depression. It's not pretty. Depression is just ugly in so many ways... I hope I'm not heading into a downward spiral. I'm tired again, and didn't accomplish anything today of substance, but I don't feel that bad. I'm just tired again. I was tired for most of the day and spent most of the day relaxing in bed, checking up on things online here and there to keep myself busy. My friend Andrea is supposed to be coming home today from vacation, so I'm looking forward to chatting with her as well.
I don't have much to say about today. I didn't go to the fund-raising walk today because it was too early in the morning and I slept like crap last night. I kept waking up and I couldn't fall back asleep easy. At about 3am I had to take a klonopin to knock myself out because I had been awake for an hour and couldn't fall back asleep. I almost took another at 11am when I woke up for the day because I was so tired but couldn't sleep, but I decided to get up and at least get some laundry started to do something with my day. I forgot to take my pills last night, that's why. Now I know when I sleep like crap like that- it's because I didn't take my pills and to get up and take them. I didn't realize it until about 8am when I woke up and took my morning pills. I didn't double up the pills because it says not to. I just left it as it is.
I'm suffering for it, though. I've been hallucinating all day. Nothing too bad, but enough to be disturbing. Heck, any hallucination is disturbing in nature, but these were just little ones- flashes of light here and there, some spiders and stuff... it's because I missed out on my anti-psychotic last night, and if I miss a dose of that I start with the hallucinations. I know, I'm sensitive to the stuff, but it's for the best. I don't know what I'm going to do if and when it stops working. I say if and when because these things don't work forever... you have to go through changes in them every now and then because they stop working. That's why you have to see your psychiatrist so often... at least every few months, because you never know when something's going to stop working.
Geo went to his little brother's football game today. They made it to the Pee-Wee playoffs, and today they made it into the finals. We will see what happens next week when they go to the finals. I wanted to go, but by the time I had made up my mind that I wanted to go it was too late and Geo had already left. He told me goodbye, but I didn't think that meant he was leaving right then and there... I thought he was going to wait around a bit more than he did, waiting for his parents to come pick him up. I'm kinda glad I didn't go after all... Geo didn't get home until almost 7, and that would have thrown off my routine. I have to stick to my routine... I hate it, but I get all fussy if I don't get dinner done by 7, TV over with by 8:30 and on the computer, doing my journals by 8:45. Dinner takes an hour, so that would have set me off by almost an hour and that would have made me fussy. Nobody likes it when I get fussy, especially not me.
Food today was bad... Yesterday I ended up eating my calories by chance. I forgot I had eaten some food in the cafeteria at work, so I made my goal. Today I'm not even at 1,000 calories. I had a piece of chicken for breakfast, ramen for lunch and chicken with potatoes and corn for dinner. I may go out there and make myself a grilled cheese sandwich or something, since I'm so low on calories that it's bad. I'm getting hungry again, or at least my mouth is watering (it's been doing that all day- I'm not hungry but drooling anyway) because I'm not drinking enough water most likely. I just want things with lime and chili- I just opened a bottle of lime juice and I'm loving the ramen with lime and chili, but I can't have too much sodium, so I will settle for a plain grilled cheese (no lime and chili). Stress was medium today, laundry, mood was good, and sleep was crap.
I don't have much to say about today. I didn't go to the fund-raising walk today because it was too early in the morning and I slept like crap last night. I kept waking up and I couldn't fall back asleep easy. At about 3am I had to take a klonopin to knock myself out because I had been awake for an hour and couldn't fall back asleep. I almost took another at 11am when I woke up for the day because I was so tired but couldn't sleep, but I decided to get up and at least get some laundry started to do something with my day. I forgot to take my pills last night, that's why. Now I know when I sleep like crap like that- it's because I didn't take my pills and to get up and take them. I didn't realize it until about 8am when I woke up and took my morning pills. I didn't double up the pills because it says not to. I just left it as it is.
I'm suffering for it, though. I've been hallucinating all day. Nothing too bad, but enough to be disturbing. Heck, any hallucination is disturbing in nature, but these were just little ones- flashes of light here and there, some spiders and stuff... it's because I missed out on my anti-psychotic last night, and if I miss a dose of that I start with the hallucinations. I know, I'm sensitive to the stuff, but it's for the best. I don't know what I'm going to do if and when it stops working. I say if and when because these things don't work forever... you have to go through changes in them every now and then because they stop working. That's why you have to see your psychiatrist so often... at least every few months, because you never know when something's going to stop working.
Geo went to his little brother's football game today. They made it to the Pee-Wee playoffs, and today they made it into the finals. We will see what happens next week when they go to the finals. I wanted to go, but by the time I had made up my mind that I wanted to go it was too late and Geo had already left. He told me goodbye, but I didn't think that meant he was leaving right then and there... I thought he was going to wait around a bit more than he did, waiting for his parents to come pick him up. I'm kinda glad I didn't go after all... Geo didn't get home until almost 7, and that would have thrown off my routine. I have to stick to my routine... I hate it, but I get all fussy if I don't get dinner done by 7, TV over with by 8:30 and on the computer, doing my journals by 8:45. Dinner takes an hour, so that would have set me off by almost an hour and that would have made me fussy. Nobody likes it when I get fussy, especially not me.
Food today was bad... Yesterday I ended up eating my calories by chance. I forgot I had eaten some food in the cafeteria at work, so I made my goal. Today I'm not even at 1,000 calories. I had a piece of chicken for breakfast, ramen for lunch and chicken with potatoes and corn for dinner. I may go out there and make myself a grilled cheese sandwich or something, since I'm so low on calories that it's bad. I'm getting hungry again, or at least my mouth is watering (it's been doing that all day- I'm not hungry but drooling anyway) because I'm not drinking enough water most likely. I just want things with lime and chili- I just opened a bottle of lime juice and I'm loving the ramen with lime and chili, but I can't have too much sodium, so I will settle for a plain grilled cheese (no lime and chili). Stress was medium today, laundry, mood was good, and sleep was crap.
Replies
Depression is so difficult. I have day i dont know how ive gotten threw the day. I guess all the responsiblities with the kids helps to push me but i still feel like crap just the littlest things are so challenging on days like that. Forgetting to take your meds sounds like its having the most impact on your day today not sleeping good really sets me up for a not so good day. I have sever sleep problems i cant sleep till at least 1am and then i sleep till 3 or 330 then awake again for about 20 minutes and then sleep till 6am when its time to get the kids ready for school... its so difficult to function like that with little sleep. Hope you get good sleep tonight hugggzzz
It\'s good that you know what you can and can\'t do.
Too bad you don\'t have one of those watches that beeps when it\'s time to take your pills and reminds you again later.
You are doing great with the situation you do have.
Did you every try the lime and chili on grilled cheese. (I know salsa is great with cheese.)
depression is a horrible ilness it can eat you up and your right, you have to force yourself to get up, as hard as it is, even to do 1 thing, like brush your teeth. i found as goodtogo said the kids when young gave me no choice, i had to get up and somewhat function. the salsa on grilled cheese sounds good, are you going to try? youll make the calories, somedays you may not, but its ok, you know what you need and we all slip up.