sorting through the vacation ex post facto

I'm thinking about things from my recent trip now that I am home.

I am thinking about what motivates me - how the sense of freedom

inspired me while away - and how

to keep motivated but also how to keep a sense of value

about my own life.. I think we can see others' as having a better

life but it's real important to appreciate the riches in our relationships

and life that we have built...ground myself and the 'royal we' was used for lack of a better way to say it! :)

There's been a reaction within me since I have been back about encountering certain things during my day.

It's like I have a better sense of appreciation, a better sense of ownership of my life and a better

sense of agency.

I know we probably all go through this when we find something we like or dislike to

a varying degree in our lives ...It inspires me to evaluate and or take notice

and so from these jumping off points, the mix of things and thoughts and feelings

I have about them, of experiences, as well as the relationships too I am noticing.

In essence what I am trying to say is that the good things can motivate us and so can the bad things. :)

I find at times, I don't have a great sense of ownership of my life and at those

times, when life seems to change me so much, the relationships in my life connect me to living when I feel lost

and that really bolster me. 

Gratefully I feel more defined by the good relationships in my life in a way that keeps me valued and grounded and motivated and sanguine.

I find myself now eager to 'let loose' and pursue my goals and the love that I feel but I have to keep 

self responsible and manage relationships too...whether in tasking or interelating in my life not

just about my day to day loving relationships - but in the spirit of 'adulting' I also must think about my professional life

should I ever re-enter the working world. 

When I am in a loving way - I don't always take care of my life so responsibly -

I can go with the group way too much and it's a hard shift or has been, back to the driver's seat.

This place at the monastery is about a total submission of self to a greater cause

and it can be exhausting - but it also brings a great opportunity to think about life -

(I know we each have commitments - and they must be cared after.

I need to muster the energy and direction now - to clean my room VERY WELL.

And buy certain things for the house to keep it smelling good.

Blue's scent kind of lingers -

I also have to exercise and get fit - take care of my body -

Lose weight etc)

I was having a hard time sorting through my ideas since coming back -

but succinctly this is where I am at now - Please read the following text thread.

In it I reconcile the two natures within me - self responsibility and pleasure

and I think i've realized we all have to deal with that.

It's texting between me and S.: