Relationships and divorce

I'm 26 years old and I've had 11 years of difficult relationships. Not understanding the true meaning of love because I've seen love exposed all wrong. I different from most I'd rather not be wanted these days but still be a mother and the person in me that I want than be wanted by an abusive, jealous or controlling man. My past few relationships have been verbally abusive, mentally abusive, a spiritual warfare and even physically abusive. In the midst I've been rather unstable. Now finding my own stability I am faced with distrust, I see and feel peoples dishonesty hoping and praying that someday soon it will all stop. I am disturbed from ex relations, sometimes it's as if my ex can control my mind, plant things of  absolute insanity. To control and weaken me. I have problems with any relationship, I feel people look at what was do e to me and only see me as a victim not a survivor, not a fighter, and not a beautiful person. As if rape and domestic violence from people I cared about at some point took everything from me and it's never enough. My brain is only the size it should be it only functions the correct way I only intake truth I'm not misconceived by any means. I deal with trauma everyday. How do you move forward and gain strength that I gained but then back in this place in my head lost again. My faith is strong but it gets twisted as pointed in the directions of the wrong faith in the wrong people. How can I ever love another man. Nothing anyone  has done to me could take away the love I have for my kids but how can I ever trust another man in my life. ? Not that I'm looking but a healthy, non cheating, truthfully loving, honest, non abusive, no lies, no heartache, no fear. Completely romantic. How do you go about gaining a good heart and open yourself to true love when ur blind at what true love can feel like on both sides?

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-Davida