"relationship" confusion

I got a lot of negative shit floating around in my head and I wanted to get it out of me so here goes:

My ex is back in town- not the abuser that we have all come to know and hate- another one. He was my first boy friend when I was 15. Looking back, even though he wasn't perfect- he loved me and he tried his best- that seems to be an element lacking in the "relationships" I've had in my 20s. Another thing- I was his "girlfriend" meaning he cared enough to claim me and I was a real part of his life- not some dirty little secret as I've unfortunately been to so many others after him.

I've made many many mistakes in choosing men. Each mistake got progressively worse over the years. Bc each time I got with an emotionally unavailable man it took another piece of me- it broke me further- until I just gave up and went on a 5 year hiatus. I guess- in fact I know- I figured that if I didn't get w anyone, no one could hurt me. I was wrong. I met this dude in the beginning of law school- he was and continues to be the most shallow motherfucker I have ever met- like ever- that relationship was boundaryless and superfucked. We were way too enmeshed- I half wanted to be with him romantically and half wanted him to just acknowledge that I was a catch that he would be lucky to be with. The latter was the large majority of how I felt- about 90 percent.

Anyway- back to my ex- his name is steve so we'll call him S. He was my boyfriend 15 years ago and there will always be a part of me that loves him. I was extremely harsh on him throughout the relationship and I feel guilty about it. Mind u I had my reasons- he wasn't a saint- but I took a lot of my family issues out on him and I feel really guilty for that. That would probably explain why ever since then I've let him treat me like shit. I guess I saw it like okay- I fucked up- so I'll take a couple of hits. But I've taken way more than a couple. I've allowed him to repeatedly cancel plans- which my father always did and so every time a dude does it I relive the devestation. Btw- I've told this dude to fuck off many a times. But he has known me long enough to know exactly what to say to make me take him back. He's the master at apologies. Every fucking time- he screws me again. Every time I think its gonna change- every time he disappoints me.

It should also be mentioned that he knew me better than anyone ever has. I want what we had. When I'm honest with myself- I just want to be loved again. I want to be someone's girlfriend. I want it so bad. I hate feeling like no one loves me- not in a romantic way. I hate that feeling so much.

For whatever reason I attach that intense level of desire to him. But I don't really want him- I want what we had. I want someone I can talk to about everything for hours- me and him used to do that. I want someone who views me as important enough to not treat like shit.

But I guess its like smoking weed. In order to remain present in your life, u have to believe there is something to be present for. I'm not there yet. I have to be honest with myself. I want someone to love me when I don't love me. Its a fucked plan from jump street- external shit will never heal my insides.

He called me last saturday and told me he was back in the states. He's been out of the country for a while for the military. He said he was around if I wanted to hang out so we made loose plans for this weekend. He told me he'd be in touch with me over the week. I feel it obvious to say that he hasn't been in touch. I texted him the other day to ask how he was doing- we texted back and forth for a minute. Of course he didn't respond to my last text, not surprising. So I texted him last night and asked how the interview went- he had a job interview. And of course, he didn't respond.

I'm inclined to say fuck him- even if he calls I'm not gonna pick up this weekend. Yet for some reason I feel guilty doing so. For some reason- I know the reason- I equate giving up on him w giving up on love. relationships have never not hurt me. There has never been a time in my life where love was not painful. I keep seeking out that pain when all I really want is to be loved for real. But I have to love me first.

Its all fucked up. I'm gonna assume he won't call. Whatever the outcome- this is the last time. I know what I need to do but I don't fully understand why its so hard for me to do it. I want to know. Maybe by asking the question something would come to me.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I think you said it all hun, you just need to read it back to yourself. I can relate to this big time, so here\'s what I see for what it\'s worth:

Guy friend with a history together -
Picking guys that will reject you. First, why do you do that? When I ask myself that question it\'s because they will validate how I already feel about myself. I pick people that will hurt me and reject me because that\'s what I know. That hurt is familiar and consistent - I know what to expect. I expect them to reject and disappoint me, and WOW there\'s a lot of people out there willing to sign up for that job!

You mentioned your father and his rejection - Having a parent that made lots of empty promises is hurtful, and worse yet, having a parent that doesn\'t care that they keep making empty promises is worse. You know that they know, and eventually you know that they don\'t care. Does that translate into them not loving you? No. All it means is that their unreliable and you need to stop expecting anything from them.

Feeling guilty- Why are you feeling guilty? Have you broken the law? Did you do something wrong? Are you breaking your word? Are you the one hurting him for whatever reason? No. You\'re the one waiting for another rejection and he knows you\'ll always be there when he has nothing else to do. In essence, you are shaping his behavior by always being available. You are showing him how to treat you.

Love = pain. There\'s a saying I love and it\'s at the end of the movie, \"Hope Floats\". Sandra Bullock says (paraphrasing here) \"My father used to say that being a kid was easy, but I don\'t think that\'s right. I think being a kid is hard and you spend the rest of your life trying to get over your childhood. Just remember this simple truth about life: Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it\'s the middle that counts- sometimes you just gotta wait for the hope to float up.\"

The relationship with the boyfriend in law school - zero boundaries, and enmeshment. Basically, relationships are getting worse. Wow, do I know this one - that\'s called Codependency. The way back to self esteem is learning to take back your power, and start building strong boundaries (and don\'t confuse that with walls).

It\'s not you hun - it\'s all those jerky people you pick. Don\'t let them define who you are and how you\'re going to feel. You deserve way better than that!