Relapse
I am ashamed to say, that I went out, and I stayed gone for two days. This last week was very busy, and all of my triggers were being alterted. I was so hell bent on not gambling again, and I still am, but I am so beyond ashamed of myself. I thought I was doing so well, but the idea came on in my head, and that is all she wrote, I went. I did a lot of emotional damage, financial damage, and self destruction beyond words. 120 days of recovery, gone, but I have hope that I will get better.
I felt it was important to write this, and basically confess to all of my fellow GA friends, such a huge part of my recovery and I am so sorry for disappointing you.
Terri
I felt it was important to write this, and basically confess to all of my fellow GA friends, such a huge part of my recovery and I am so sorry for disappointing you.
Terri
Replies
you have not disappointed me, can\'t speak for anyone else. remember: I did it again on 118 days. that doesn\'t make it right for either of us, but we did it, and now get back on the horse. forgive yourself, shake it off, and start again. the time you had is not lost........what you learned is not gone. and confessing is good for us. just don\'t let it grab you this time. again, shake it off. I\'m sorry you feel you let others down. it\'s not even about us. come on back! love ya!
I am sad for you as I know how hard it is to admit what I call \"another failure\". Don\'t beat yourself up to much and start over, but you must change something in your thinking or you will do it again. Go to meetings; read, read, read this website. I keep telling my self that I know if I go again it will just get worse. Because every time I screw up, I lose more than the time before. I was just thinking today that as soon as I pay off this debt I owe from borrowing for gambling, I will try again. NONONO I realize after reading your \"confession\" that I will do what you just did and it will be worse. There is something about me that I know I am a failure at everything so I do things that I know I can beat myself up over; like gambling, over eating, over shopping. Do you ever feel that way? Then when I look at my lack of money, I can once again call myself a stupid idiot. That is the fix I am addicted to: feeling stupid! Hang in there.
Day 1 is just as important as Day 121 Leap. Make a short video today for yourself to remind you how it feels to relapse. It might help next time. In the meantime you are never alone and no one is \"let down\". Stay strong and remember there is no finish line with this disease. We have to stick with the program every day of our lives.
I know when I got some time under my belt the first time around last June/July and had to go to Vegas for a work trip, I lost it. I then just kept going back out and realized I didn\'t have my heart in it and I quit going to GA meetings. I think you have your heart in it, so don\'t give up on your meetings. As a matter of fact, try to go to as many as you can - especially now. Don\'t worry about the time - just worry about you. And the financial part - well, you know, you can bounce back from that. You did it once before. I am doing it now. We always do. The emotional devastation is another thing and it takes work and you will need your family, friends and your GA peeps. Try to get to some meetings. It does help. I actually had a moment today when I drove the back way out of my work parking lot and past the casino next to my office. I thought to myself, \"no one would ever know if I just went in and spent the $40 I have in my purse. I would just play for a bit.\" Then I had to mentally knock myself upside the head! What the hell?!?!? It is so easy for me and I have such easy access EVERYWHERE to gambling. But I won\'t lie to my husband or friends if they ask. Please don\'t beat yourself up! We love you! Keep on keeping on! It\'s a new day and a new start!
Leap,
I hesitated making a comment on this because I konw that you know all of the things been said.
You did not disappointed no one here. Nobody is disappointed then you.... I know....
Prior to my last binge gambling, I had eight years of obsitnence under my belt. I thoungt I got this under control and believed I was done. The most critical thing I didn\'t know was that my way of thinking had not changed. Quitting made me feel good because all of the things I don\'t have to deal with, lying, shame, guilt of being absent from family life etc. However, I did not believe I can\'t go back to who I wad before gambling. I can go back to reasonably peaceful life by not gambling but I cannot be the person who I was because that is the person who led to be an addict.
There are many different reasons why people stop gambling and there are many different ways people finds their way out of this distructive behavior. I have been following your progress since the day 1. And I believe you will find that keys to unlock the door of freedom, serenity and happiness.
Nothing humiliates more then deceiving oneself.... nothing worth more then a self honor and dignity.
It\'s not a gambling we have problem with, it\'s our inability to believe we are a compulsive, obssesive people who cannot control our gambling. Gambling will not follow us forever but compulsiveness, obssesiveness always will. Because that is a part of who we are..... if gambling is a mushroom, compulsive, obssesive is a poison, combined these two will be a poisonous mushroom we should not eat unless we want it to kill us.....
Leap my friend, I can imagine what you must going through.... sending hugs and prayers to you.
Don\'t evef think you\'ve stepped backwards, believe that this is the road your higher power has put you. It\'s the perfect road regardless of how hard it is... hardship often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.
Love,
Victoria