Relapse

So, after over a year of being SI free, I gave in last week and starting bruising again. I've kept it to my legs so it's highly unlikely anyone can notice it. I don't know how I didn't start earlier in the semester, but I guess the stress of presentations, projects and final exams got to me.

I don't know how far I'll slip once I have the apartment to myself for the winter break. I guess I'm not too worried about it since I don't have time to think about it right now.

I can't help but wonder if hurting is a part of who I am or if it's something I can recover from. A year without it, but I still gave in. I know I could go another year or more wihout it whenever I decide to quit, but will I relapse again? Is it predetermined that I'll be relapsing for the rest of my life wyen times get tough? Sometimes it's easier to just give up.

I've had a lot of suicidal thoughts these last few weeks. Just wish I had someone close that understood. None of my roommates know I have any mental disorders, they think my life is perfect. My birthday is this week, and I'm more disappointed that I've survived another year than anything else. Maybe I'll find my demise by next year.