reflections, affirmations and modalities of expression
I try and stand on my own two feet in conversation - and respect others - afraid
of their discomfort and mine - trying to stand strong but gentle - minding the boundary -
when I finally bend and give to others what I am thinking they want - what they seem to want emotionally -
I get lost mentally -
I become focused on them - and then I lose myself - it's ok - I am learning about that happening -
and at that moment -
words no longer are my modality of expression - it's a strain to put it out there -
and it's not altogether what works -
but visual things are - it's weird it's like I am part mute.
When I was decorating my home - when I had a lot of money - it was my way of expressing who I am
through visual things - picking up details and adding them to my nest - from my life and past -
a reflection of sorts and affirmation -
I felt badly today after being down with Abbess, talking to her - feeling lost -
I am not upset with her - I just get lost -
I then came up to the room and nearly cocooned - but I knew I had things
to do and that mode of cleaning things up - really helped - it, cleaning, became my enthusiastic
modality for expression -
Art can be my modality too and has been in the past - but I also know that I couldn't keep this thought
to myself - I needed to share it in "words" form - so that you would know.
things are better now - doing laundry - and then to clean my room -
vacuum - listening to music and Blue hanging out.
Replies
the love of my life could have written this, though he probably would have hidden it from me because he knows i'll slap him upside the head for it. as much as i admire that man's over-sized cranium, it is his big ol' heart that i love while i am admiring. i like him best when he trusts that big ol' heart of his and keeps his massive cranium in the reference section of the library.
"quit trying, baby love. just be you and trust that big ol' heart of yours. pretty, wet sloppy kiss please."
my infallible (heavy on the sarcastic notes) wife sense thinks he's been hearing me better since he started keeping bees and i started adding the extra "e" in. ". . .just bee you." think maybe he'll listen more closely if i add more e's?
did you know that not long ago - it was the tradition, in England, that if you kept bees you went them and told them
every major family milestone, death, marriage etc..?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telling_the_bees
I couldn't agree more with Arfie's "just BEE You"
You know Mark, I too question constantly myself, I'm trying harder to just accept where I'm at and "Bee" ok with thaat state of mind that is just "me'.. Yes, it's a hard ask, to be satisfied and I've a long way to find that place of acceptance.
You have gone on a life changing journey over the last couple of months, finding new, letting go of old, and trying to seek a balance where you can to help yourself grow more and move into new life territory.....that my dear friend is 'scary shit' and you are navigating to the best of your ability each day to keep on keeping on.
I do hope for you that 2024 will bring you peace and healing through learning a new ways to live, meeting new people, facing challenges...all to give you an ability each day to find small ways towards feeling happiness and good physical/mental health in your life. <3
thank you for that tasty tidbit. rudyard kipling is one of my heroes and i have long known of his bee boy. i also knew he was english. i didn't connect those two dots until your tidbit led me to this website and that delightful bit of folklore which i had been giving rudyard kipling. you mean rudyard was actually influenced by those stiffneck brits he went to india to escape and mock from a safe social distance?
it's a good day when i learn something new. . .
https://www.kiplingsociety.co.uk/poem/poems_beeboy.htm
for what it's worth
"puck of pook's hill" is the novel where he presented "the bee boy song." i hold it as a masterpiece of english history.
Thanks Mary Louise!! Thanks Arfie!!!