Reflection- the whole story
I’ve got a big day ahead of me and before I start I wanted to clear my head of all this bullshit. He texted me last night. At about 8 he texted “how r u doing? I saw you at your job- I was going to leave you a note but I didn’t want to piss u off.” I texted him back. Now this text was a courtesy- bc I vowed to never speak to him again. And I fully intend to keep that vow. But I figured a sentence was in order. I texted “I think you did me dirty and to be honest I have nothing more to say to you.” This fucker had the balls to respond with “How did I do you dirty.” Fucking, really? You piece of shit. But this is why I had to go. B/c I don’t actually know if he knows what he did. That’s my instinct b/c I go by my own actions and feelings- so to me I wouldn’t say “how did I do u dirty” if I actually knew. So there’s where the insidiousness comes in. He knows damn well what the fuck he did. That’s why that’s all he texted. If he gave a shit then he would have called to ask or he would have asked again. But he doesn’t. Just like if he wanted to see me Saturday night then he would have- but he didn’t. I’m pretty sure there was a chick with him. Like 95% sure. But to be really honest- it doesn’t matter if there was or not. He lied.
The night before he said I was killing him- that he missed me so much. Then Saturday comes and I say I want to see him and the first thing he says was “what do you want to do?” Now is that the response of someone who misses me and who wants to see me? Hell no. The response from someone who felt that way would have been “Hell yes I want to see you- what do you want to do?” or “I would love to see you- what do you want to do?” Far as I saw it what we did was the variable. What I really wanted that night was to see him. So I texted back “not come here- other than that I’m flexible.” Before then he used to come to my place. I would cart his ass around like a fucking taxi b/c he’s disabled and he doesn’t drive. He NEVER said thank you. Not once. Anyway- we would go back to my place and he would fucking drink. That’s it. He would drink and since I was so fucking bored I would smoke weed. Now weed has never been something that I feel the need to do with others on a regular basis. It’s more like what calms/numbs me at the end of the night- but with him I smoked triple what I used to. He didn’t even enjoy it and he would try to smoke the last of my trees just b/c. He just had no concern for my well being at all.
Anyway- so I had broken up with him a week prior but Friday night we texted all night, he apologized for saying some things and he won me over again. Like he always does. Builds me up just to knock me down. So- Saturday night I wanted to see him- but I wasn’t trying to bring him to my place. I was thinking I’d come to wherever he is and hang out for a few hours. That way if he acted up then I could bounce- nothing would stop me. So that was the plan. He waited 40 min to text me back. Now after his response of “what do you want to do,” I wasn’t feeling it anyway. And after about 20 min went by - I had assumed he was just going to disappoint me again anyway. So I started prepping for a night alone and I was okay with that. So 40 min he texts back “I don’t know what we would do.” That hurt. I knew at that point that he didn’t want to see me. I felt betrayed- like what changed since last night? Why did you want to see me so much and now you don’t? What did I do wrong? B/c it doesn’t make sense. What changed? So I texted back “took you 40 min to come up with that? Maybe we should make it another night.” He fucking responded saying “you know I don’t get service here. I responded when I got the text. If that upsets you then you’re right- we should make it another night.” That hurt way worse. I lost it. I kind of wish I didn’t delete his shit so I could repeat verbatim what I said. His text was an insult to my intelligence. He tried to turn it around on me. That’s something he’s done before but he had been slicker about it in the past. He really played up that whole drunk idiot act so I would just write off what he said and did. Which I bought- hook, line, and sinker. But not this time.
I’m actually taking a minute right now and not writing. I feel like I don’t want to tell this story again. But it keeps playing over and over again in my head like a movie and I can’t seem to make it stop. I want validation. I want to be sure. I know what happened- my head knows. But something in me isn’t sure of myself yet. Maybe I’m not meant to be sure yet- it just happened a couple of days ago. Maybe sure will come in time. Maybe time is the only variable. Maybe. Or maybe there’s something in me I need to get out. So even though I’m looking at a mountain full of work right now and my time would arguably be better spent taking care of that- I think that if I don’t get this out right now I might continue going through the day like a zombie. Then I’m gonna end up feeling like I’ve worked enough- b/c when I am mentally drained- I lose all my drive. Then I’ll go home feeling broken- smoke some weed and binge and wake up tomorrow feeling like a piece of shit. So I really think my time is best spent getting this out. Maybe that will make me feel some peace.
Where was I in the story? Ah yes. So after 40 min he responds then he picks a fight with me so I won’t come through. Now the level at which this drunk cocksucker played me throughout our time together is such that at this point I didn’t even suspect that he was fucking around- I just chalked it up to him being a prick. Which was enough for me to say fuck off. So after he had the fucking basketballs to try to blame ME (btw I can’t even say that without utter fury RUNNING throughout my body)- I told him all about himself. I told him that every time I put myself out there with him he makes me feel like a piece of shit. I told him I’m sick of this shit. That if he actually didn’t get the text until a minute prior then he should have said so but he didn’t need to snap at me but I’m not surprised b/c that’s what he does. He talks ALL that shit about how he loves me, cares for me, wants me to be happy, there for me always- FUCKING BULLSHIT. The second I show the tiniest bit of resistance its peace- its “maybe we should make it another night.” You fucking LIAR!!!!! I told him I had to beg for every bit of affection I ever got from him. I needed to beg for sex, beg him for compassion, beg him to talk, beg him to listen. It was all me and then I say one thing he doesn’t like and its peace? Fuck that. If it goes that quick it wasn’t there to begin with. I’m not that fucking dumb. This ain’t my first go- round. I’ve been through some shit- I know some shit. Some. At least some. Obviously not enough to have seen through his bullshit from day one- but enough to say peace when he pulls some shit like this. So he responds with “you had to beg for nothing” b/c I hurt his pride a little when I told him I had to beg for sex. GOOD. I responded with “the hell I didn’t.” I told him he didn’t care whether I was happy or not. He responded denying that- talking about “you know I want you to be happy, etc.” That’s his favorite thing to say “you already know.” Mind you he NEVER tells me how he feels. The only time he has ever said anything about how he feels is when I’m walking out the door. Never to my face. NEVER. This motherfucker would just stop in the middle of us fooling around- just turn around and go to sleep and say NOTHING. Do you have any idea how stupid that made me feel? There aren’t words. What a piece of shit. Anyway- in the text after that I said to him “look I’m not trying to ruin anyone’s night- there is a lot that has be hashed out between us before we can be cool again. Whether or not that convo takes place is up to you but it will not be via text. b/c I’m not fighting with a telephone screen- it makes me feel like a crazy person.” He responds with “I don’t want to fight at all, I don’t want to argue at all- not over the phone, not in person. Let me know if you become not too upset to chill.” I said “I never said fight. I never said argue. I said hash out. And I’m not going to stop being upset by coincidence. So have a nice night. Obviously I’m not worth the effort to you.” He responded with “okay goodnight.” I said “goodnight.” That convo took place at about 8-9. Mind you- the responses came pretty quick when we were fighting- funny huh? I guess the phone towers just decided to help us out. BULLSHIT! Another fucking insult to my intelligence. He keeps piling them up.
So here’s the special part- at 11:18 he texts me with “What do you want to do.” Yes, that’s right- he texted me like nothing even happened. Engaging with someone this crazy makes you feel crazy. It makes you question your own sanity. I don’t even think this piece of shit is mentally stable- or he is just a master manipulator- or both. So I responded with “nothing now.” He comes back with “okay goodnight.” I said “goodnight” and I ended up going to bed. He texted me at about 3 in the morning asking if I was still sleeping. I got it in the morning and didn’t respond. I never planned on responding again. I’ve said all I ever have to- exhaustively. There was no need to respond ever again. The way I saw it was- time to pick up the pieces. As much as I hurt- at least it was over and I could start to heal. I’ve been trying to leave this dude since I started fucking w him. He’s a no good drunk who treated me like I was nothing and thought nothing of it. And I tried to leave. But he wouldn’t let me. He kept promising he’d change- and he did- little by little. But he never gave me anything on his own accord. I had to beg for every change. He NEVER wanted to discuss anything. So I felt it was necessary to tell him I wanted to leave in order to get heard. If he actually paid attention to me at any other time then repeatedly trying to leave him wouldn’t be necessary. But he didn’t. So that’s moot. He drove me to do everything I did and then blamed it on me when I wasn’t perfect (just like my father). He would get a nasty attitude with me and I would just take it- respond without anger but compassion- try to see his side- try to see where I went wrong. I did that for a while. The last time I tried to just leave him was after a night where we had been fighting- big fucking surprise there- and we decided to see each other after we’d made up. I just wanted to hold him so bad. I wanted to kiss him and have some sex and just be close. I wanted that so bad. Of course- that’s not what happened. He just sat across the room with me and I felt really insecure. I wanted to be held and touched. I wanted to feel close to him, I wanted to feel intimacy. I needed it so bad. Also at that point I had changed my status on fb to “in a relationship” b/c I felt like I would be cheating if I fucked around. But we still hadn’t had a discussion about what we were. Even though I said out loud, several times, that I needed to know where I stand. He didn’t feel the need to have that conversation with me. But according to him we had the conversation. So this time the next day I woke up and tried to talk to him but he wasn’t trying to hear it. See- now that’s something I never realized before now- I tried to talk to him about it before I deaded him- meaning I didn’t lead with that. Hmmm. He manipulated that one too. B/c that day I texted him that I was very upset and I don’t know how we could go on. I think we’re different people. B/c I had tried to talk to him that morning and he wasn’t trying to hear it. He was like peace. And that shook me up a lot. He told me he hoped I found someone to make me happy. He told me he just couldn’t and that he tried. He said “good luck trying to find Mr. Perfect.” See- its good I’m writing this out b/c that was one of those ways where he blamed it all on me without expressly doing so. By saying that he was saying- without actually saying it- that I was impossible to please. Of course he wouldn’t come right out and just say that b/c that would cause a fight and he’s too much of a bitch to get into a real fight- one where there are words- ooooh words- scary shit! He’d brawl with the best of them- but he can’t fight in any other way. He’s inept, he’s unable to dominate, and therefore he wants no part of it.
So where was I? Ah yes. He obviously threw in the towel and I blamed myself. B/c its what I do. I thought- I just walked away without even talking about it to him. So we broke up and as we were saying our goodbyes I told him I’m sorry for everything and that I love him. This prick said “I love you too.” My heart dropped. I was devastated. I thought I had walked away from love. How horrible and blind could I be? It’s everything I ever wanted and I just walked away from it. The guilt was overwhelming. I couldn’t even breathe I cried so hard. I texted him that if he would have told me that sooner things would have been different. I asked him why he didn’t. He of course didn’t answer the question. He’s good at that. He just turned it around and made it my fault. And I fucking bought it again. B/c I have carried shame and guilt from my childhood b/c of my alcoholic father who did and said the same EXACT type of shit that this dude did. He responded to me. “Idk Why didn’t you tell me?” Fucking really? UM- b/c I’m not the dude and you should have said it first. Didn’t say that- of course. Instead I said- “fair enough.” And then we ended up texting the whole next day and hanging the next that night. We made up. I fell on my sword. I told him I loved him and I wanted to start over. I didn’t want him to give up on me. I wanted him in my life. I apologized. Can you fucking believe that- that prick had me apologizing to him? That’s b/c he played the L card. So we had come to a new level of intimacy via text (I’m not even going to go into how ridiculous that sounds even as I type it) and so I expected a hug or a kiss when I saw him. What did I get? Nothing. He got into the passenger side of my car and didn’t even look at me. That hurt so much. It’s what he did every time he got in my car. At one point he would give me a peck on the lips to say hello. But no hug. No- “so happy to see you.” NEVER. That never happened. And that day when I picked him up I really really needed it. And I just had to suck it up. I had to listen to his attitude as soon as we got to my house. The attitude that says “I’m not going to treat you good anymore- you fucked that up. Now I’m gonna be the same prick I was before you left all those times and I promised I’d change and I did. All those changes are out the window b/c u hurt me and so u no longer deserve to be treated good.” I heard it. Loud and clear. I saw it in his eyes. He was done. And it broke my heart- but I stayed around and didn’t give him an attitude b/c I believed his silent message- that I fucked up and I deserved this. I didn’t deserve compassion when I make a mistake. I had to be perfect and if I wasn’t perfect then EVERYTHING was my fault and I deserved NOTHING good. I thought I deserved to feel like all his love had left. Like what I did was so horrible that I no longer deserved to be loved.
Wow. I think that’s it. I think that’s the thing I was missing. I sat and thought about this dude’s presence in my life a lot and what brought him to me. I believe in the law of attraction. Like attracts like. So something brought him to me. And I think it’s that maybe there’s a part of me that still thinks I deserve what I got from my dad. Part of me believes he (my dad) was right. And therefore- I take shit from these men as a way to atone for being myself. A sense of peace just came over me. I don’t feel the need to write anymore. I’m gonna go get some work done.
To be continued…
Btw- I never said anything else to him after I told him he did me dirty and I have nothing to say to him. In the middle of the night he texted me with “Nighty night. Sleep tight.” Special I thought. I didn’t respond.
The night before he said I was killing him- that he missed me so much. Then Saturday comes and I say I want to see him and the first thing he says was “what do you want to do?” Now is that the response of someone who misses me and who wants to see me? Hell no. The response from someone who felt that way would have been “Hell yes I want to see you- what do you want to do?” or “I would love to see you- what do you want to do?” Far as I saw it what we did was the variable. What I really wanted that night was to see him. So I texted back “not come here- other than that I’m flexible.” Before then he used to come to my place. I would cart his ass around like a fucking taxi b/c he’s disabled and he doesn’t drive. He NEVER said thank you. Not once. Anyway- we would go back to my place and he would fucking drink. That’s it. He would drink and since I was so fucking bored I would smoke weed. Now weed has never been something that I feel the need to do with others on a regular basis. It’s more like what calms/numbs me at the end of the night- but with him I smoked triple what I used to. He didn’t even enjoy it and he would try to smoke the last of my trees just b/c. He just had no concern for my well being at all.
Anyway- so I had broken up with him a week prior but Friday night we texted all night, he apologized for saying some things and he won me over again. Like he always does. Builds me up just to knock me down. So- Saturday night I wanted to see him- but I wasn’t trying to bring him to my place. I was thinking I’d come to wherever he is and hang out for a few hours. That way if he acted up then I could bounce- nothing would stop me. So that was the plan. He waited 40 min to text me back. Now after his response of “what do you want to do,” I wasn’t feeling it anyway. And after about 20 min went by - I had assumed he was just going to disappoint me again anyway. So I started prepping for a night alone and I was okay with that. So 40 min he texts back “I don’t know what we would do.” That hurt. I knew at that point that he didn’t want to see me. I felt betrayed- like what changed since last night? Why did you want to see me so much and now you don’t? What did I do wrong? B/c it doesn’t make sense. What changed? So I texted back “took you 40 min to come up with that? Maybe we should make it another night.” He fucking responded saying “you know I don’t get service here. I responded when I got the text. If that upsets you then you’re right- we should make it another night.” That hurt way worse. I lost it. I kind of wish I didn’t delete his shit so I could repeat verbatim what I said. His text was an insult to my intelligence. He tried to turn it around on me. That’s something he’s done before but he had been slicker about it in the past. He really played up that whole drunk idiot act so I would just write off what he said and did. Which I bought- hook, line, and sinker. But not this time.
I’m actually taking a minute right now and not writing. I feel like I don’t want to tell this story again. But it keeps playing over and over again in my head like a movie and I can’t seem to make it stop. I want validation. I want to be sure. I know what happened- my head knows. But something in me isn’t sure of myself yet. Maybe I’m not meant to be sure yet- it just happened a couple of days ago. Maybe sure will come in time. Maybe time is the only variable. Maybe. Or maybe there’s something in me I need to get out. So even though I’m looking at a mountain full of work right now and my time would arguably be better spent taking care of that- I think that if I don’t get this out right now I might continue going through the day like a zombie. Then I’m gonna end up feeling like I’ve worked enough- b/c when I am mentally drained- I lose all my drive. Then I’ll go home feeling broken- smoke some weed and binge and wake up tomorrow feeling like a piece of shit. So I really think my time is best spent getting this out. Maybe that will make me feel some peace.
Where was I in the story? Ah yes. So after 40 min he responds then he picks a fight with me so I won’t come through. Now the level at which this drunk cocksucker played me throughout our time together is such that at this point I didn’t even suspect that he was fucking around- I just chalked it up to him being a prick. Which was enough for me to say fuck off. So after he had the fucking basketballs to try to blame ME (btw I can’t even say that without utter fury RUNNING throughout my body)- I told him all about himself. I told him that every time I put myself out there with him he makes me feel like a piece of shit. I told him I’m sick of this shit. That if he actually didn’t get the text until a minute prior then he should have said so but he didn’t need to snap at me but I’m not surprised b/c that’s what he does. He talks ALL that shit about how he loves me, cares for me, wants me to be happy, there for me always- FUCKING BULLSHIT. The second I show the tiniest bit of resistance its peace- its “maybe we should make it another night.” You fucking LIAR!!!!! I told him I had to beg for every bit of affection I ever got from him. I needed to beg for sex, beg him for compassion, beg him to talk, beg him to listen. It was all me and then I say one thing he doesn’t like and its peace? Fuck that. If it goes that quick it wasn’t there to begin with. I’m not that fucking dumb. This ain’t my first go- round. I’ve been through some shit- I know some shit. Some. At least some. Obviously not enough to have seen through his bullshit from day one- but enough to say peace when he pulls some shit like this. So he responds with “you had to beg for nothing” b/c I hurt his pride a little when I told him I had to beg for sex. GOOD. I responded with “the hell I didn’t.” I told him he didn’t care whether I was happy or not. He responded denying that- talking about “you know I want you to be happy, etc.” That’s his favorite thing to say “you already know.” Mind you he NEVER tells me how he feels. The only time he has ever said anything about how he feels is when I’m walking out the door. Never to my face. NEVER. This motherfucker would just stop in the middle of us fooling around- just turn around and go to sleep and say NOTHING. Do you have any idea how stupid that made me feel? There aren’t words. What a piece of shit. Anyway- in the text after that I said to him “look I’m not trying to ruin anyone’s night- there is a lot that has be hashed out between us before we can be cool again. Whether or not that convo takes place is up to you but it will not be via text. b/c I’m not fighting with a telephone screen- it makes me feel like a crazy person.” He responds with “I don’t want to fight at all, I don’t want to argue at all- not over the phone, not in person. Let me know if you become not too upset to chill.” I said “I never said fight. I never said argue. I said hash out. And I’m not going to stop being upset by coincidence. So have a nice night. Obviously I’m not worth the effort to you.” He responded with “okay goodnight.” I said “goodnight.” That convo took place at about 8-9. Mind you- the responses came pretty quick when we were fighting- funny huh? I guess the phone towers just decided to help us out. BULLSHIT! Another fucking insult to my intelligence. He keeps piling them up.
So here’s the special part- at 11:18 he texts me with “What do you want to do.” Yes, that’s right- he texted me like nothing even happened. Engaging with someone this crazy makes you feel crazy. It makes you question your own sanity. I don’t even think this piece of shit is mentally stable- or he is just a master manipulator- or both. So I responded with “nothing now.” He comes back with “okay goodnight.” I said “goodnight” and I ended up going to bed. He texted me at about 3 in the morning asking if I was still sleeping. I got it in the morning and didn’t respond. I never planned on responding again. I’ve said all I ever have to- exhaustively. There was no need to respond ever again. The way I saw it was- time to pick up the pieces. As much as I hurt- at least it was over and I could start to heal. I’ve been trying to leave this dude since I started fucking w him. He’s a no good drunk who treated me like I was nothing and thought nothing of it. And I tried to leave. But he wouldn’t let me. He kept promising he’d change- and he did- little by little. But he never gave me anything on his own accord. I had to beg for every change. He NEVER wanted to discuss anything. So I felt it was necessary to tell him I wanted to leave in order to get heard. If he actually paid attention to me at any other time then repeatedly trying to leave him wouldn’t be necessary. But he didn’t. So that’s moot. He drove me to do everything I did and then blamed it on me when I wasn’t perfect (just like my father). He would get a nasty attitude with me and I would just take it- respond without anger but compassion- try to see his side- try to see where I went wrong. I did that for a while. The last time I tried to just leave him was after a night where we had been fighting- big fucking surprise there- and we decided to see each other after we’d made up. I just wanted to hold him so bad. I wanted to kiss him and have some sex and just be close. I wanted that so bad. Of course- that’s not what happened. He just sat across the room with me and I felt really insecure. I wanted to be held and touched. I wanted to feel close to him, I wanted to feel intimacy. I needed it so bad. Also at that point I had changed my status on fb to “in a relationship” b/c I felt like I would be cheating if I fucked around. But we still hadn’t had a discussion about what we were. Even though I said out loud, several times, that I needed to know where I stand. He didn’t feel the need to have that conversation with me. But according to him we had the conversation. So this time the next day I woke up and tried to talk to him but he wasn’t trying to hear it. See- now that’s something I never realized before now- I tried to talk to him about it before I deaded him- meaning I didn’t lead with that. Hmmm. He manipulated that one too. B/c that day I texted him that I was very upset and I don’t know how we could go on. I think we’re different people. B/c I had tried to talk to him that morning and he wasn’t trying to hear it. He was like peace. And that shook me up a lot. He told me he hoped I found someone to make me happy. He told me he just couldn’t and that he tried. He said “good luck trying to find Mr. Perfect.” See- its good I’m writing this out b/c that was one of those ways where he blamed it all on me without expressly doing so. By saying that he was saying- without actually saying it- that I was impossible to please. Of course he wouldn’t come right out and just say that b/c that would cause a fight and he’s too much of a bitch to get into a real fight- one where there are words- ooooh words- scary shit! He’d brawl with the best of them- but he can’t fight in any other way. He’s inept, he’s unable to dominate, and therefore he wants no part of it.
So where was I? Ah yes. He obviously threw in the towel and I blamed myself. B/c its what I do. I thought- I just walked away without even talking about it to him. So we broke up and as we were saying our goodbyes I told him I’m sorry for everything and that I love him. This prick said “I love you too.” My heart dropped. I was devastated. I thought I had walked away from love. How horrible and blind could I be? It’s everything I ever wanted and I just walked away from it. The guilt was overwhelming. I couldn’t even breathe I cried so hard. I texted him that if he would have told me that sooner things would have been different. I asked him why he didn’t. He of course didn’t answer the question. He’s good at that. He just turned it around and made it my fault. And I fucking bought it again. B/c I have carried shame and guilt from my childhood b/c of my alcoholic father who did and said the same EXACT type of shit that this dude did. He responded to me. “Idk Why didn’t you tell me?” Fucking really? UM- b/c I’m not the dude and you should have said it first. Didn’t say that- of course. Instead I said- “fair enough.” And then we ended up texting the whole next day and hanging the next that night. We made up. I fell on my sword. I told him I loved him and I wanted to start over. I didn’t want him to give up on me. I wanted him in my life. I apologized. Can you fucking believe that- that prick had me apologizing to him? That’s b/c he played the L card. So we had come to a new level of intimacy via text (I’m not even going to go into how ridiculous that sounds even as I type it) and so I expected a hug or a kiss when I saw him. What did I get? Nothing. He got into the passenger side of my car and didn’t even look at me. That hurt so much. It’s what he did every time he got in my car. At one point he would give me a peck on the lips to say hello. But no hug. No- “so happy to see you.” NEVER. That never happened. And that day when I picked him up I really really needed it. And I just had to suck it up. I had to listen to his attitude as soon as we got to my house. The attitude that says “I’m not going to treat you good anymore- you fucked that up. Now I’m gonna be the same prick I was before you left all those times and I promised I’d change and I did. All those changes are out the window b/c u hurt me and so u no longer deserve to be treated good.” I heard it. Loud and clear. I saw it in his eyes. He was done. And it broke my heart- but I stayed around and didn’t give him an attitude b/c I believed his silent message- that I fucked up and I deserved this. I didn’t deserve compassion when I make a mistake. I had to be perfect and if I wasn’t perfect then EVERYTHING was my fault and I deserved NOTHING good. I thought I deserved to feel like all his love had left. Like what I did was so horrible that I no longer deserved to be loved.
Wow. I think that’s it. I think that’s the thing I was missing. I sat and thought about this dude’s presence in my life a lot and what brought him to me. I believe in the law of attraction. Like attracts like. So something brought him to me. And I think it’s that maybe there’s a part of me that still thinks I deserve what I got from my dad. Part of me believes he (my dad) was right. And therefore- I take shit from these men as a way to atone for being myself. A sense of peace just came over me. I don’t feel the need to write anymore. I’m gonna go get some work done.
To be continued…
Btw- I never said anything else to him after I told him he did me dirty and I have nothing to say to him. In the middle of the night he texted me with “Nighty night. Sleep tight.” Special I thought. I didn’t respond.
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