Reflecting

I laid in bed last night, after my usual dose of Tylenol PM, and I could not turn my thoughts off. I contemplated getting out of bed, but there was nothing I could do with everyone else in the house sleeping. I have such a hard time falling asleep, that my Husband lets me go to bed first and waits up to an hour before he lays down, so that he does not disturb me. The thoughts that were plaguing me last night, were mostly about the last six years; the amount of time my Husband and I have been married.

            I recalled the early days of our meetings; we would stay up late, have intercourse often, and talk. We went out to eat all the time, and spent money at just about every store we stopped in. Ours phones were extensions of us when we were apart, we would talk on them constantly, or text when needed. I know that kids can change things, and so does marriage, but it doesn’t feel anything like the beginning. Now, my Husband must beg for affection or intercourse. I do love him, and I do enjoy affection and intercourse, but I avoid it like the plague. I try to admonish myself, by recalling memories of being alone before having a partner, but those thoughts are fleeting. I dislike being touched by anyone, even my kids. I must force myself to accept their needs, and remind myself to give them more affection.  

            I feel like I keep repeating the same cycles that I have gone through since adolescence. I feel good for a while, and become inspired to organize, create, and involve those around me. During these months or years, I want to better myself and those around me, and it doesn’t matter what it takes to do it. I will spend money on projects I deem necessary, and stay up late at night because I don’t want to stop. Since I have been with my Husband, he has seen this phase; he has always praised me during this time, because I am accomplishing tasks. However, when things shift in the dismal direction, he can’t understand why. Because after this positive period, there is an equal or longer period of stagnation. During that period, I am paralyzed and do not want to do anything, I am self-judgmental and somewhat depressed. But both periods of time reoccur, so I know I will have an upswing again, and I hate waiting for it. I feel that my moods are unfair to my Husband and kids.

            When I was told, I was being treated for bipolar 2, I think two years ago, I was highly upset and felt that I was misdiagnosed. I tried to recount examples from my past, and decided it was wrong, I just had periods of depression and no extremes. However, lately, I have been recalling the past couple of years, while I was on medicines, and would have to believe I was acting bipolar 2; because I regret the various mood and actions I took in front of (or around) my kids. Today, I am appalled that I was drinking, and cutting, and pushing my kids away! But I have not done any of that since I have been off the medicines. But for the past couple of months, I have been down. I am not sure if this is due to stress or what, but I have been losing sleep, watching more tv, becoming glued to the couch, not showering, not eating right, wanting to escape, delaying responsibilities. I feel frustrated with myself, because I do not want to repeat past events; and I would think that would be easy to avoid, but apparently, it is not. I am reaching out, just like I did five years ago, when I first sought counseling. I do not feel like there is something to really talk about, in particular, that is drawing me back to this state of mind, but I feel pulled to the emotions of that state. I am not sure if this is because I am weak as a person, or because I am just flawed. I just do not want to hurt my kids by being week in front of them, and I feel guilty for pushing my Husband away.