Reflections

I haven't written a journal entry in a long time, and so much has happened since my last entry. 
 
I don't even feel like the same person anymore. It's so weird. I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe, looking down on my life and wondering ho that person is. I look in the mirror nd don't recognize myself. Does anyone else feel like this? I guess it's a form of denial.
 
 In some ways, I feel like I'm still in denial, that I actually have gone through traumatic experiences. I's so scary. I feel like there is a rift between my inner child and who I am today. Little Tori inside demands that I take heed and listen to her, and she insists that she is telling the truth. I want desperately to believe her. 
I'm talking about "little Tori" and "my inner child" like this because I did some inner child therapy with a counselor that helped me radically. I have never before comforted myself like that, or believed so fully that what I had experienced was the bona fide truth. 
Ugh. I don't want to believe it. But even if one part of my mind still wrestles with denial, there is a more instinctual part of me that knows-- just knows-- that all of this is true. 
After all, I didn't have an anxiety attack, go to the ER, and spend 5 days in a mental hospital because I was making it up, or lying to myself, or dreaming. That was real. That really happened. And something dark and twisted and terrible happened to the little child stuck inside of me. There are glimpses, brief images of these awful things that I remember and shudder. But none of the pieces yet connect together. I feel as though I have three tiny pieces for a 1000-piece puzzle, edge pieces, bits of color distorted by what I can see. My view is so limited that I can't make sense of it.
I thought, for a brief moment, that I saw the face of my abuser in one of my memories. But I still am uncertain. And the weight of knowing/wanting to know/dreading the day that I do know is pretty heavy.
I desperately want to trust the Lord and not lean on my own understanding. I want to laugh and be full of joy again, to live as I once did, to love as I have before. I have hope that one day I may be healed of this. Even if I do not feel "whole", I know that Christ has made me whole in Him, no matter my momentary emotions or afflictions. 
Please help me pray that I continually trust Him and lean on Him and not my own, very narrow and blurry understanding. My heart is heavy-- but I know that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. 
I need to rest in His arms, under the safety of His wings. I need Jesus above all, more than answers or knowledge or understanding. I want to rest in Him, knowing vengeance is His, knowing that I am safe in His fortress. I want my heart to know these things, not just my mind. 
One day at a time. That's all He asks of me-- one day at a time, one moment at a time, trusting that He will make all things right.