Reflections

Dear Fred:    It has been a long time since my last journal entry.  So much has happened but in other ways so little has changed.  Nick has been gone now for 2 years & 5 months.  The intense pain, the kind that puts you on the floor in fetal position, doesn't happen very often now.  I am very grateful for that.  However, the empty loneliness still is a constant companion.  And, there is still an empty hollow feeling inside.  I still feel like I am just one big hollow space with an outside shell that is my body. I still have not found anything that really connects me to life.  I still have that feeling of just marking time.
I have tried volunteer work.  I've taken "just for fun" classes at our technical college.  I have redecorated 3 rooms of the house. I have taken a fair number of smallish trips. I even started attending church for a while.  I still feel pretty disconnected with life.  Nothing so far has truly held great interest for me.
 Tonight was another night that sleep just wasn't going to happen.  It is now almost 4:30 A.M.  I thought that perhaps writing in this journal may help me sort things out  a bit.
There has been progress during the 2+ years.  I am beginning to function better.  I no longer spend hours crying or have emotional crises when I grocery shop.  I think I am getting used to the idea of being by myself.  And, I am learning to ask for help (usually) when I need it.
My goal now is to find something that will give me a real purpose to get up each morning. I am hoping after hip surgery & recovery that I will find a cause or a group I can volunteer meaningful time to. The things I have already tried were not the answer but they were a good learning experience.
That's it for tonight, Fred.  Thank you for being a very patient journal.  (But, actually, do you have a choice??)
9/6/13                                                      Darlene