Records
I have made plans to go to Pensacola tomorrow, about 100 miles west, where Cassi lived. I want to go to her doctor, the hospital, get copies of records. I am scared to death. Scared of reopening wounds that have barely begun to heal. But it would be an injustice to not investigate as much as possible into those last few weeks of her life, to know as much as possible about what she had to go through, and if there is any malpractice, to address it, no matter how much pain it brings. I am scared sisters...so scared. The ME STILL hasn't issued a death certificate, or cause of death. The toxicology reports are still not back, though Sunday will be 12 weeks. I could put it off until that is completed, a small reprieve...maybe that is what I should do.
I didn't really know Cassi at the end. I have so few details, and I am putting together a puzzle, trying to figure it all out. Do you have any advice???
I didn't really know Cassi at the end. I have so few details, and I am putting together a puzzle, trying to figure it all out. Do you have any advice???
Replies
Do you have anyone to go with you, anyone supportive? If so, take them so they can speak when you cannot. Waiting for the report would probably make sense. It may change your line of questions depending on what the results reveal... Thinking of you often, Lauri
It is very hard to visit the place where Cassi spent her last days. It may be cathartic, and it may be very traumatic. I agree. If you go, please take someone with you.
It might be best to wait until the toxicology report is in. But you need to do what you feel is right. It is so hard waiting and wondering.
My thoughts are with you.
Love, Marlene
No one \"really knows\" a person who is capable of what Cassi did, or my April did. It is impossible to comprehend mental illness.
I urge you: DO NOT DO THIS ALONE. Talk to your therapist first, also. Go with a trusted friend, or ask your husband to take the day off from work. Bring medication with you but put it in the charge of the person who accompanies you. You have EVERY RIGHT to EVERY SINGLE piece of information the authorities have. You may do best to hire a criminal attorney (since suicide is considered a crime especially when a gun is used) or an attorney experienced with dealing with problems as complex as these.
Be prepared for blowback, it will be huge. You will have some very hard days, this is treacherous territory. BUT YOU CAN DO IT and, as her mother, you MUST do something. Do not do ANYTHING that puts your mental health in further jeopardy. It won\'t change a thing except you, and you are already suffering sufficiently.
I got a death certificate immediately before April had even had her memorial Mass as well as a cause of death, with no problem whatever. I don\'t understand what\'s going on here but I know this much: YOU HAVE CIVIL RIGHTS and you definitely have the right to every single piece of information. DON\'T READ IT YOURSELF. Let your husband read it, or your therapist. Perhaps they should discuss how to describe the contents of these documents to you, but you will probably need to sign a waiver so your therapist can talk to your husband (thank you Nazi Feds for your wonderful HIPA laws).
Closure: this does not take place in a situation as dreadful as ours, perhaps never. We can\'t get into the mindset of such horror and illness and lack of rational thought. But we can, we must, come to terms with the clear reality that both our daughters suffered (differently from different psychiatric problems) so intensely that they could think of nothing but escape.
Be cautious dear sister. You must protect yourself. Your daughter is now in the loving arms of God.
Just do what feels right for you. Don\'t force yourself. For me, I will never visit Aaron\'s house and see the bathroom that my son died on. I don\'t want that mental image. I do have a death certificate but to this day, have not decided to get a copy of the autopsy report. Probably never will. Michael is dead and what would be the point? That is just me though. Peace and Love to you. Take it gently. Do not do what you are not ready for and be ready for that which you seek to find.
Peace.
Gina, I agree with the other moms. Don\'t do this alone. Love and hugs, Linda
Just be so careful of your own feelings. Waiting until the toxicology report is in, sounds like the thing to do. Meanwhile, you can decide who you want to go with you. Plan it all carefully, as you only want to do this once. The main thing, as I see it, is not to go alone!!
((((HUGS))))....Julia
I think you will know when the time is right. Some people can\'t do what you are wanting to do...others feel they must do this...so follow your intuition. If it doesn\'t feel like the time yet...wait. I do agree that having someone go with you is a good idea. Love and gentle hugs...Karen
If possible, please do not go alone.
Other than that, I don\'t have any advice. Our souls know what we need and when we listen, truly listen, we can hear the answer we seek.
No matter what you decide for now, it is the right decision for now.
Wish I could go with you. Just to hold your hand and cry with you.
Tight hugs and so much love~~Teri
Gina, I completely agree with the common advice here of not going alone however...
I was (and still am) in the same place as you find yourself. I needed answers and if there were no answers I needed details.
I had no one to go with me or read the documents for me and I knew I was going to do it because... I NEEDED ANSWERS! Good, bad or ugly.
I received the first Doctors report of when Jason was in the Critical Care Unit of our community hospital when I visited our GP to have him sign the insurance papers. He stated that he shouldn\'t give the report out but it seemed that the insurance company was requesting any and all information, at that time, so he gave me a copy. I immediately copied it for my records (of course I did!!!). Even that original report provided me with a small sense of perspective because it was written in a professional, non-emotional way and allowed me to glimpse at the situation from that perspective.
Over the past 15 months now, I have pursued and received reports from both hospitals, the Critical Care Ambulance attendants, the coroners report and the autopsy report. Each one of these has put the pieces together in a way that I was not able to do myself. They are all put together now in a binder in my spare bedroom. I don\'t read them often but just knowing that they are there is comforting.
Just as some of us don\'t have \"someone\" to hold us up (although I\'m sure we wished we did) doing what needs to be done is who we are.
Do I wish I had someone that would\'ve walked into the funeral home with me and bring Jason\'s ashes home? You bet! Did I have someone like that? Nope. So I did it and Jason\'s ashes are home, where they belong.
We are so much stronger than even we allow ourselves to believe. Even when we truly think we can\'t go on, here we are. We also know when we need to reach out and find comfort with those who truly understand, and that is why we are all here.
One day at a time, one breath at a time, one tear drop at a time...
Tight hugs, Merrilee