reclaiming some stuff

I cleaned my whole apartment today and then showered off and sat

in my living room enjoying the clean sense of things and perfumey smell.

My parents are really encouraging me to get active, not just sit at home, and that does

make a lot of sense to me. I've kind of gotten into a rutt in a way.

I decided to go to the market....and I started to question why I seem to fixate of food, eating sweets

and drinking alcohol. I think the answer that I am finding is that I feel quite out of control in my life

and that I don't have many choices and so the focus I can keep is just indulging - sublimating with the food

and drink to numb out my sense of reality. Well I decided to try and think what to do with my days... I don't want

to go down the numbing road anymore. It's pretty boring where I live right now...It's just malls and the necessities but

there is a lot of bicycle riding here. I think I can look at getting into something like that for sure. I don't know if this makes sense - but I feel like I am reclaiming some control over my life. It has been a long time in coming from where I was, if you remember. It's a start.