received my recovery books, brought out pain
I received the eight books that I ordered for both me and h to read today. I scanned through them before going to work tonight, and took "sex, lies, and forgiveness' to the gym after work...I started back to the gym this week to help rid me of the extra adrenaline from the anger that I'm feeling, and to help lose weight faster
I found that some passages made me feel angry all over again. Brought up issues that I didn't want to think about, or deal with, but it was there, in black and white. I emailed the sex therapist I picked for him to go to. I want to start seeing him so I can deal with my low self esteem issues, and to better understand the man's perspective. Figure the therapist can tie our cases together to help one another. I can't do this alone. I need to vent. When I feel I need to get something out, and say it to H, he gets upset then we are both crying. I just need someone to listen and give me feedback without fear of hurting the other party's feelings.
I've dealt with this twice before. but, by far this is the worse in so many levels. The trust is gone. I deal with my own mentality of trying not to purposely hurt him. I know he won't understand, won't feel the same pain I feel. He will just deal with it and dismiss it as me trying to get back at him
he wasted his sexual energy on looking, fantasizing, lusting other women. I do enjoy lovemaking, snuggling, but sometimes a quicky is better. It's that sexual energy, wanting someone here and now. He said he was thinking that if he "relieved" himself that he'd last longer, do it better with me and I'd enjoy it more. Just the opposite.
now, it seems as he just started recovery, all his sexual energy is gone. He doesn't "goose" me, doesn't stare at my 'girls', doesn't text me sexual gestures for later to come, doesn't initiate. Just numb. I have to wander...is it because he doesn't have those sexual image fantasies, altho he's always been like this with me, even after he was "sober" for years?
I'm at a loss. I'm not sure what to do, what to think. This last time brought up so much unrelated hurt that I never told him about. Not sexual I mean. It makes me wander if our relationship is mendable, if I can truly forgive and let go. I know I will never forget, and that bothers me too.
to follow my instincts...that is what his sex therapist said at our session together. What if....what if they tell me something undesirable, something unrationable, something that is best for ONLY me...to leave him. I want to try, I need to try. I am hooked on him. He's everything I ever wanted and more. His flaws and all, for the most part, I've accepted. But this has shook me to the core of ME. 9 years, 3 times of discovery. 3 times of deceipt, 3 times of lying, hiding, denying. How much can one person take????
I took an antidepressant after having our last child for ppd. Something I never believed in existed (ppd) until it happened to me. I relied on those drugs for two years, trying so hard to quit in between. This past summer I did. In the meantime of taking the antidepressants, my drinking became out of control. I dealt with it, and got it under control. Now, however I don't give a poopoo. It numbs, yet at the same time intensifies the pain. I think everyday how I have a stash of antidep that I keep. I really don't want to rely on a drug to help overcome or deal with my current issues, my pain, but it's a quick fix.
I hope I can see this therapist soon. Before I say or do something I may later on regret. I am not a physical person. I know I am not. But, I became one with H when I found out this past time, and the weeks following. I threw my phone at him, hard, initially waking him up after the hard proof of his porn use. I beat up a spoon and bent unbendablly back while cooking late one nigh then I threw it against the stairs, I was drinking out of a tall glass, with him begging for me not to leave and I threw it against the wall...watching him pick up the pieces, him crying for me not to step in the glass and hurt myself, I busted one of our cupboards with towels, slammed it shut. Totally broke off. He had to superglue whatever to fix. He said he was "impressed" as he didn't know it could be broken like that....we were sitting on the couch together, him listening to me, him trying to rationalize when I punched the couch, and punched his arm in the process. Left a black and blue mark.....Then, I found out he was watching porn videos as I became obsessed with how far his addiction went....I went downstairs and beat on him with couch pillows, hard as he crouched in fetal position, crying. I felt no remorse for trying to hurt him. That was the last incidence. The next morning, while waiting at the busstop, I texted him appologizing for being violent, and I felt like a monster. Didn't know why he put up with me like that. He texted me back saying it was ok and he understood why I was so angry, and thanked me for giving him another chance.
His understanding, calmness makes me feel guilty and selfish for thinking the way I do
Im not sure where to take this, or what to do. us reading the books then reflecting later together isn't so much an option. we work opposite shifts as we have lil' kids so I can't really tell him how Im feeling or what, when I'm feeling it.
I am at a loss
I found that some passages made me feel angry all over again. Brought up issues that I didn't want to think about, or deal with, but it was there, in black and white. I emailed the sex therapist I picked for him to go to. I want to start seeing him so I can deal with my low self esteem issues, and to better understand the man's perspective. Figure the therapist can tie our cases together to help one another. I can't do this alone. I need to vent. When I feel I need to get something out, and say it to H, he gets upset then we are both crying. I just need someone to listen and give me feedback without fear of hurting the other party's feelings.
I've dealt with this twice before. but, by far this is the worse in so many levels. The trust is gone. I deal with my own mentality of trying not to purposely hurt him. I know he won't understand, won't feel the same pain I feel. He will just deal with it and dismiss it as me trying to get back at him
he wasted his sexual energy on looking, fantasizing, lusting other women. I do enjoy lovemaking, snuggling, but sometimes a quicky is better. It's that sexual energy, wanting someone here and now. He said he was thinking that if he "relieved" himself that he'd last longer, do it better with me and I'd enjoy it more. Just the opposite.
now, it seems as he just started recovery, all his sexual energy is gone. He doesn't "goose" me, doesn't stare at my 'girls', doesn't text me sexual gestures for later to come, doesn't initiate. Just numb. I have to wander...is it because he doesn't have those sexual image fantasies, altho he's always been like this with me, even after he was "sober" for years?
I'm at a loss. I'm not sure what to do, what to think. This last time brought up so much unrelated hurt that I never told him about. Not sexual I mean. It makes me wander if our relationship is mendable, if I can truly forgive and let go. I know I will never forget, and that bothers me too.
to follow my instincts...that is what his sex therapist said at our session together. What if....what if they tell me something undesirable, something unrationable, something that is best for ONLY me...to leave him. I want to try, I need to try. I am hooked on him. He's everything I ever wanted and more. His flaws and all, for the most part, I've accepted. But this has shook me to the core of ME. 9 years, 3 times of discovery. 3 times of deceipt, 3 times of lying, hiding, denying. How much can one person take????
I took an antidepressant after having our last child for ppd. Something I never believed in existed (ppd) until it happened to me. I relied on those drugs for two years, trying so hard to quit in between. This past summer I did. In the meantime of taking the antidepressants, my drinking became out of control. I dealt with it, and got it under control. Now, however I don't give a poopoo. It numbs, yet at the same time intensifies the pain. I think everyday how I have a stash of antidep that I keep. I really don't want to rely on a drug to help overcome or deal with my current issues, my pain, but it's a quick fix.
I hope I can see this therapist soon. Before I say or do something I may later on regret. I am not a physical person. I know I am not. But, I became one with H when I found out this past time, and the weeks following. I threw my phone at him, hard, initially waking him up after the hard proof of his porn use. I beat up a spoon and bent unbendablly back while cooking late one nigh then I threw it against the stairs, I was drinking out of a tall glass, with him begging for me not to leave and I threw it against the wall...watching him pick up the pieces, him crying for me not to step in the glass and hurt myself, I busted one of our cupboards with towels, slammed it shut. Totally broke off. He had to superglue whatever to fix. He said he was "impressed" as he didn't know it could be broken like that....we were sitting on the couch together, him listening to me, him trying to rationalize when I punched the couch, and punched his arm in the process. Left a black and blue mark.....Then, I found out he was watching porn videos as I became obsessed with how far his addiction went....I went downstairs and beat on him with couch pillows, hard as he crouched in fetal position, crying. I felt no remorse for trying to hurt him. That was the last incidence. The next morning, while waiting at the busstop, I texted him appologizing for being violent, and I felt like a monster. Didn't know why he put up with me like that. He texted me back saying it was ok and he understood why I was so angry, and thanked me for giving him another chance.
His understanding, calmness makes me feel guilty and selfish for thinking the way I do
Im not sure where to take this, or what to do. us reading the books then reflecting later together isn't so much an option. we work opposite shifts as we have lil' kids so I can't really tell him how Im feeling or what, when I'm feeling it.
I am at a loss
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