realizing some good things

...like I began to talk about in the journal yesterday, 'people are not icons' -

this was really helpful - especially this morning. I reached out to my brother to talk

and he didn't answer the phone - in fact twice he didn't answer by ending the call - it upset me and I puzzled.

But he finally texted saying he would call. I know that's basic logic there that maybe he couldn't

talk or was busy, that would have kept me from going south -  but I went south just a bit. frankly I feel pressure from him to be perfect at times - anyways - I love him

and I know he loves me -

but what I thought about from this was something about my life - and the kind of life I would like to create - that I have the ability to both be in the moment and have agency to make choices- 

Just in terms of the nature of things, I realized some folks really go for a lot of money - so that they can afford the things with

the highest esteem or cache'. Perhaps it's a way that they find their peace with life.

Though I don't have access to a life like that - I realized I get to create the kind of life that I have and will

have. I am not an icon - and my friends and family are not icons either -we're all just people - and - it's a life we have together that inspires

achievement but is supported with peace, love and understanding. In the church, in monastic life, there are some

who have vanity for following the rules - and some outside the church have vanity for the extreme status 

fashions like I mentioned. It's all ok - but I don't want to be blind to it - that there's stuff here and stuff out there

that is pretty much the same. Human nature. I am grateful for my friends and family and Blue - and I am hoping

to create a life - having an image my head - that it will be and involved in certain things - but

again I won't stay dogmatic about it all - about the image or everything- since I know we are not pictures in a book - we are all just people.

Today I was with Blue and I remembered the day we met. He chose me!!! What a joy!

And maybe I should just look around and embrace the life I have...there are some things to take better

care of - but also definitely things to enjoy and rejoice about!

That's something I've learned here while being sick in bed. I know we care about each other here at the monastery but we are all people involved in ourselves and responsibilities. People won't know you need something until you tell them. One Father said stupidly'I shouldn't have to tell them' but it's just plain truth about taking care of our lives. We still love each other. This understanding lends itself to other aspects of ourselves building our lives. We have to set those wheels in motion ourselves for getting to the desired destination! Xx