Realization - I AVOID CONFRONTATION AND CONFLICT

I LIE TO AVOID CONFRONTATION AND CONFLICT

Lying addicts hugely fear confrontation and conflict of any kind.

Typically the only time they will be confrontational is when they are caught in a lie and will then do one of two things (or both). They will either be frozen in toxic shame and cannot respond at all or they will be mean and nasty to ensure the person backs off. They do this to protect themselves and their addiction.

It is almost never to be intentionally hurtful or harmful to the person.

This is the same defensiveness dance all addicts practice when confronted with the consequences of their actions if anyone threatens to take their addiction away.

Another line of defense is to deflect the blame back to the person and say it is all in their head.

Lying to avoid confrontation of any kind is, in a deeply sad way, a passive aggressive action. It is lying addicts only recourse, they feel, of keeping themselves safe within their chronic low self esteem state.

So, lying addicts will lie when the truth will affect how people will think of them and/ or the outcome of the truth will be negative in some way. For example, a lying addict will lie to their significant other about the loss of a job say (and pretend they are still going to work) because first, they know the person will be unhappy about the job loss and second, they may be worried about being labelled a failure by that person’s family.

They lie when they are afraid to tell people what they don’t want to hear. If they feel backed into a corner and have no way of getting out, they will lie.

Lying addicts will say or do WHATEVER needs to be said or done so that they don’t land in hot water of any kind. They will twist and distort any truth there is until there is no truth left.

At all costs, they do not want to be seen as weak or as handling things in the wrong way. They therefore lie to protect themselves from perceived negative consequences. They are deeply afraid of someone’s wrath and lie as a defense mechanism BEFORE the wrath they believe they are going to get.

Sadly though, it is usually the lie itself that causes the wrath in the end and not the thing itself. They know this at some level but are powerless to stop their actions anyway.

Their core fear of confrontation and conflict is too great. It is like an alcoholic knowing at the core level that a drink will create mayhem in the long run but is powerless to stop taking that drink in the temporary fantasy that it will help not hinder their situation. The lie, at that point, therefore, keeps the lying addict “warm and safe” just like the drink does for the alcoholic.

Lying addicts greatly fear getting punished for the consequences of their actions from loved ones in particular - but all people in general.

Often, in addition to the lying addiction, pre-recovery lying addicts can often be irresponsible in general (with money issues in particular) and so find themselves in a painful catch 22. They dread confrontation then inevitably have to face their worse fear - huge confrontation as a result of their actions.

It is a deeply painful cycle they endure on a daily basis.

They lie to stop people from getting mad but the people get mad anyway. They do their utmost to protect themselves from harm but are completely incapable of protecting themselves as the lies always come back to haunt them.

Lying addicts are so afraid of not being perfect that they will lie when confronted about things and have the thought in their minds that they will fix the situation later – like financial problems for instance. They are very afraid of letting people down. Mistakes seem weak to lying addicts and can make them feel worthless. They greatly fear people knowing they have done something wrong.

When they lie they feel safe.

Lying addicts are highly sensitive to shame, suffering and pain. They hate people being mad or upset with them. They hate looking bad in front of people. They hate getting yelled at and they hate making people angry.

And yet their lies create all these things in the long run. Their worst fears always materialise. They attract their worst nightmare. Lying addicts will lie if they fear they are going to be met with anger or yelling and then because of their multiple lies to prevent the confrontation, attract the wrath they dread so much.

Someone’s wrath - especially a loved one - is UNBEARABLE for a lying addict. Yet
they still always have the fantasy in those moments that the person will not find out
the lies.

This is the saddest irony of all.

This happens over and over and over and over again.

Their spiral of suffering goes on and on and on and on…

This all pushes the lying addict further down the rabbit hole of their addiction as more toxic shame and self hatred develops within the lying addict. The feeling of uselessness and worthlessness grows ever bigger within them.

People being angry at lying addicts make them truly feel horrible inside. People’s acceptance of them is everything to a lying addict. They will do anything to achieve that acceptance of others and anything to avoid people’s disapproval. Lying addicts use lies as a coping mechanism so they don’t disappoint people. They will therefore lie to cover up something that they have done.

Sometimes the lies are planned. Sometimes they are uncontrollable

Preventing punishment or rejection of any kind is therefore of extreme and constant importance to a lying addict. The guilt they feel at having to lie their way to non-confrontation is immense over time however. Each of these types of lies has a dripping tap effect on their self esteem and pushes them further into self hate and deeper into their addiction. Self hatred, low self esteem and fear fuel lying addiction and addictions of all kinds.