Realizations...
Sitting in the hospital on Monday, I realized something for probably the millionth time. Cutting solves nothing. It doesn't help me communicate my pain to others. It doesn't help me heal. It doesn't make me feel better about myself. Cutting reinforces the message that my abusers drilled in to me as a young little kid. I don't want that message in me anymore. I am worth more than that. I am tired of the scars. I am tired of the pain. I am tired of the stitches and heartache and disappointment and fear and resentment and lonliness and disconnect that it brings. I am tired of the mess of it all. Never again do I want to hurt myself. Never again do I want to pass out because of lack of blood. Never again do I want to take a razor blade to my skin for anything other than removing hair. Never again do I want to have to worry about whether I should ask if a wound needs stitches or not. Never again do I want to be the girl I was on Monday night. So here I go again. Trekking through this mess for the millionth time, I say goodbye to the life I had. The coping skill I have used for so many years. Goodbye. The pain that I just couldnt seem to let go of. Goodbye. The lonliness and chaos that I invited. Goodbye. Hello life. Hello future. Hello promise. It's great to finally meet you for the first time. ~Tracie
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