realizations
so this weekend has been pretty Drama free with my daughter, which is unusual, but its not over yet, anyhow, besides a major blowout over something that she did not understand, its been busy but not stressful, now comes the problem, with no stress and time on my hands i have been doing some thinking and soul searching which is a good thing but the outcome of my thinking has seemed to throw me into a deeper depression about things and made me come to a realization.
i used to think that part of my problem in how i am today stemed from abuse i suffered as a child, i dont feel comfortable talking to men due to that, so i choose to talk to women, more often than not and i have very few male friends, combine that with the fact that my entire school life i was bullyed and beaten due to being or acting different than most, i also felt for some reason i deserved to be treated that way, but never knew why. for some reason luckily i blocked the abuse memory out of my brain, so i have gone through life being a social outcast and a little backwards and shy but never knew why. til my grandmother passed away and my abuser came to the funeral then it all hit me, i finally had some answers to why i was the way i did, and while the memories were troubling i was glad i had answers finally.
anyhow, thats why i only talk to females but, i have grown alot in the last 10 years and learned alot and i thought, through the use of facebook that things with people from my past were different, but bottom line i am stilll the same, non deserving of even an apology type person, one of my main bullies used to pick on another girl that went to school with us, and her an eye had a conversation via facebook walls about the things he used to do to us, suddenly the next day, she gets an email from this said bully apologizing for everything he had ever done to her, i got nothing, and he played football and one time put on his helmet and tackled me through a set of lockers . at that point i realized, i was only putting on a happy face and i really was the same pathetic lowlife i always was.
so now that i am rambling i am married and i have 2 daughters my oldest is 12 and has aspergers, my youngest is 9. despite my wife, when i would talk to people on facebbok or even here on one of my multiple times i had an account, i would compliment women on how beautifl they are and how great they look and do alot of talking about their physical features. why, cause i felt like a hopeless cause and i was hoping to have a friend and that i needed to do that so i would. that is not the case nor is it the real me, so as of yesterday i am gonna be the real me, and you have a choice to take me as i am or leave me,
The other thing i realized is i have an addiction, and i dont know how to shake it, its not drugs or alcohol or gambling, its for contact, i am addicted to having someone to converse with all the time, whether its real time or on the internet, and i have to figure out how to beat this.
All in all i learned i am a very confused and lost soul who i let things happen to and i just want to find my way again
i used to think that part of my problem in how i am today stemed from abuse i suffered as a child, i dont feel comfortable talking to men due to that, so i choose to talk to women, more often than not and i have very few male friends, combine that with the fact that my entire school life i was bullyed and beaten due to being or acting different than most, i also felt for some reason i deserved to be treated that way, but never knew why. for some reason luckily i blocked the abuse memory out of my brain, so i have gone through life being a social outcast and a little backwards and shy but never knew why. til my grandmother passed away and my abuser came to the funeral then it all hit me, i finally had some answers to why i was the way i did, and while the memories were troubling i was glad i had answers finally.
anyhow, thats why i only talk to females but, i have grown alot in the last 10 years and learned alot and i thought, through the use of facebook that things with people from my past were different, but bottom line i am stilll the same, non deserving of even an apology type person, one of my main bullies used to pick on another girl that went to school with us, and her an eye had a conversation via facebook walls about the things he used to do to us, suddenly the next day, she gets an email from this said bully apologizing for everything he had ever done to her, i got nothing, and he played football and one time put on his helmet and tackled me through a set of lockers . at that point i realized, i was only putting on a happy face and i really was the same pathetic lowlife i always was.
so now that i am rambling i am married and i have 2 daughters my oldest is 12 and has aspergers, my youngest is 9. despite my wife, when i would talk to people on facebbok or even here on one of my multiple times i had an account, i would compliment women on how beautifl they are and how great they look and do alot of talking about their physical features. why, cause i felt like a hopeless cause and i was hoping to have a friend and that i needed to do that so i would. that is not the case nor is it the real me, so as of yesterday i am gonna be the real me, and you have a choice to take me as i am or leave me,
The other thing i realized is i have an addiction, and i dont know how to shake it, its not drugs or alcohol or gambling, its for contact, i am addicted to having someone to converse with all the time, whether its real time or on the internet, and i have to figure out how to beat this.
All in all i learned i am a very confused and lost soul who i let things happen to and i just want to find my way again
Replies
Awh. This is such an honest open entry. It sounds like you really are finding clarity about yourself and coming to an understanding which is the first step in healing. I\'m so proud of you.
You are not pathetic. I think you are a protector. A lot of people get bullied in school and have these problems. hugs* You are not weird. You actually are responding to your conditions quite normal. For the record, I think you turned out with some very great qualities.
I think it\'s cool that you are going to be yourself. You are a great friend. I\'ll still be around. I think its also cool that you are realizing certain things about yourself. I have some of the same problems and so I get it. Hugs to you friend. I support you in your journey and will the best way I can:)
Jess
That is an honest and truthful sharing of your feelings. I can relate to only some things but you are a good guy and if you ever need a guy friend, would always support your beliefs. The belief that not everyone gets it, and I agree ... don\'t waste your time. They have the problems not you. You have found who you are and I applaud you.
You are a strong amazing person. What an entry so down to earth.