Reality once again!
Happy Friday Sisters of the Heart - It has been 2 weeks since journaling and I am happy to be journaling today. My grandson's visit was awesome. Everytime I looked at him, I saw my daughter which at times was comforting, other times, tugged at my heart strings. SIGH . Hunter is able to talk about his mom, share feelings and realizes he & I are "it". Even though he is with my ex-husband's family, he said "yahya" we are it - I have known you my whole life..... warms my heart, that kid! .
I am troubled though in regards to my husband. My marriage to this man has been a struggle for 15 years. I'm not going to make excuses or write and make it seem like it's all his fault, however, I have grown up so much since marrying him and work on myself to become better so that someone may be helped by my experiences, good & bad. Anyway on to the point - Jim was jealous of my time with Hunter. I spent a week in Arizona, boating, bbq, etc. and Jim "picked, picked, picked". If there was something wrong he found it. Hunter sensed the tension and didn't like it. I tried to protect Hunter from the constant bitching, but I wasn't successful 100% of the time. I came home early with Hunter because I just couldn't stand it and Hunter doesn't deserve it. Jim & I don't live together and because of my Christian belief, divorce I struggle with.....already been there, done that. I am struggling today (Hunter has gone home and reality is once again here....) My life as I knew it will never be the same.
Jim even said to me, I thought you would be "over it" by now. I'm tired of seeing you sad, I'm tired of seeing you angry at times.....blah blah blah....I defended myself saying, I went back to work after only 1 week off, I am trying to learn how to live with this gut wrenching pain...(thanks to you sisters) but REALLY - OVER IT????? What a narrcistic thing to say......I can't expect others to understand, but I'm tired of making excuses for them too.
I miss my daughter - she had the ability to see through people and had great insight. She often would say something that I needed to hear. I tried to protect her son this past week from this man who acted like he was 5...there were a couple of situations involving Hunter that Jim said mean things to me that frightened me. I will not let Hunter be around him in the future. I feel at times, I wasn't there for my daughter and now I am trying to make up for that with my grandson.
Reality - this is my life - missing my daughter - thankful I have Hunter - thankful for what I have - but that hole in my heart and the robotic motions that get me through the day are sometimes too much to bear. I just want to blink and not have this REALITY......
Thank you once again - I feel like I rambled today- I know you all out there will read between the lines and hear my heart like you always do.....much love and wish I could physically hug each one of you!
Vicki
I am troubled though in regards to my husband. My marriage to this man has been a struggle for 15 years. I'm not going to make excuses or write and make it seem like it's all his fault, however, I have grown up so much since marrying him and work on myself to become better so that someone may be helped by my experiences, good & bad. Anyway on to the point - Jim was jealous of my time with Hunter. I spent a week in Arizona, boating, bbq, etc. and Jim "picked, picked, picked". If there was something wrong he found it. Hunter sensed the tension and didn't like it. I tried to protect Hunter from the constant bitching, but I wasn't successful 100% of the time. I came home early with Hunter because I just couldn't stand it and Hunter doesn't deserve it. Jim & I don't live together and because of my Christian belief, divorce I struggle with.....already been there, done that. I am struggling today (Hunter has gone home and reality is once again here....) My life as I knew it will never be the same.
Jim even said to me, I thought you would be "over it" by now. I'm tired of seeing you sad, I'm tired of seeing you angry at times.....blah blah blah....I defended myself saying, I went back to work after only 1 week off, I am trying to learn how to live with this gut wrenching pain...(thanks to you sisters) but REALLY - OVER IT????? What a narrcistic thing to say......I can't expect others to understand, but I'm tired of making excuses for them too.
I miss my daughter - she had the ability to see through people and had great insight. She often would say something that I needed to hear. I tried to protect her son this past week from this man who acted like he was 5...there were a couple of situations involving Hunter that Jim said mean things to me that frightened me. I will not let Hunter be around him in the future. I feel at times, I wasn't there for my daughter and now I am trying to make up for that with my grandson.
Reality - this is my life - missing my daughter - thankful I have Hunter - thankful for what I have - but that hole in my heart and the robotic motions that get me through the day are sometimes too much to bear. I just want to blink and not have this REALITY......
Thank you once again - I feel like I rambled today- I know you all out there will read between the lines and hear my heart like you always do.....much love and wish I could physically hug each one of you!
Vicki
Replies
I divorced my ex many years ago, in part because he was jealous our kids \"had it better\" than he did as a child and he had turned into a very negative person. I felt it was him or me that was going to survive, and I chose me and my boys. I was brought up Catholic but don\'t agree with some of their teachings. You should not have to defend yourself to him or anyone else. Our reality sucks and we will always be struggling with it to adjust, will never stop missing them. glad you are so close to Hunter. Much love to you. Sue xo
I\'m glad you have Hunter-healing balm from God. You can make a huge difference in his life--countering negativity-- given by mean people...Awesome!
Love, Donna
Grateful you had that healing time with Hunter and you do not need to defend how you feel to ANYONE!!!! These feelings are yours and they matter as do YOU!
Hoping that the path will become clear as to what your steps will need to be, yet living in constant negativity with the kind of open heart wound that you have is a troubling place to be. I\'m SO sorry that you have this on top of your grief and loss. Deepest of sighs...
Please take care of yourself and know that you are understood and loved beyond measure here.
Also, how has the sorting through your daughter\'s belongings gone? I\'ve been wondering and knowing how hard that must be.
Loving care and the tightest of heart (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
I am so glad you had a good time with Hunter; and that you have such a close bond.
As far as your husband goes, it bothers me that he says mean things to you. To me, that is the thin edge of the wedge. It sounds like you have grown and matured and he hasn\'t. He does not get it when he is wondering why you are not \'over it\'. The loss of a child is not something we get over. We learn to live with the deep pain. We can have meaningful lives. But in no way do we get over it. After 4.5 years, I still cry often. I also laugh and have a meaningful life but I will never be the person I was before Lisa left us.
I understand religious beliefs. You have to do what your heart tells you, but if it were me, I likely would be gone. That is rather blunt but I don\'t believe that anyone has the right to put anyone down. Hunter does not need that and neither do you.
My heart is with you.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Marlene
I can\'t really comment on your husband\'s behavior in any way that means anything except my own opinion but it appears to me he is suffering from some emotional disorder, most likely because men don\'t seem as willing as women to seek professional counseling early in life and then throughout their adulthood. I wonder if he is willing to go to marriage counseling....probably not would be my guess, but worth asking. As for anyone judging your grief, well you know what I have to say about that so I don\'t have to say it. This is a gaping wound. There are times when the butterfly bandaid holds, and then it fails. Sometimes the wound seems to grow, sometimes it seems to be partially healing, there may even be a sign of scarring around the edges. But like any chronic wound (ask a diabetic who has lost toes, feet, legs)....it can not ever be totally healed. I think people truly don\'t understand the depth of grief that remains when a child is lost, no matter how old the child or the parent. I have a neighbor in apparent excellent health and a \"young 70\" (yes people at 70 can be \"young\" nowadays!) who died suddenly from a brain aneurism. Yes, I was told she had symptoms (an extremely bad headache) and ignored it. Her mother is 100 years old and I doubt she\'ll be around much longer because I\'m healthy, damned healthy, and I can\'t believe I survived this long after losing my April. They just don\'t understand, sister.
Vicki, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. Losing your child is a devistating event and you / we will never \"get over it\". That is a very cruel thing for him to say. Also, your grandson has lost his mother, he should not be \"picked on\", by a grown man. In my opinion, that is a form of child abuse.
I have no opion about divorce or not, because of religious beliefs. However, I do not believe that God wants any of his children to be mistreated. Especially children.
Hoping things get easier for you, dear soth. I have finally accepted the fact, that no one understands the dept of life long pain we suffer, when we lose our child, unless the same happens to them. Then it becomes abundantly clear !!
Of course, I mean I have no opinion, lol...( spell check)
Vicki, I\'m glad you were able to spend time with Hunter and am sorry to hear about the situation with your husband. Only you can know what to do, but I\'m glad at least that you are able to recognize and identify the problems and not feel at fault for issues your husband has. I hope he can change and be a positive part of your life or that you can figure out a way to handle it without it negatively affecting you and Hunter. Hugs, Laura
Positivity is a state of mind and being that we all need to embrace. I hope that this will be possible for you, your husband and your loving grandson.
Our grief has changed us and we will always be different but we can go on in a manner that honors our children and our families. Peace, Kathy
Grand kids have good healing properties. With out the kids I would still be a mess. They keep me together and they talk to Mike and then tell me about it. It is awsome to hear about your child through others who are inocent and can be reached by angels
Hugs Penny