reality check...

well arent we always learning from this illness. now that the rampage is over and my brain is taking time to think about all the events i just went through i can now see that meds really do play a big part in keeping our moods grounded. when i was on meds and my mood switched  even though i had to emotionally go through the change it was mangeable, i hated it but knew i had some control over the situation but being off meds and going through a switch in moods i  am finding i have no tool to help me control the ride, no panel control kinda, without any tools to help me i cant control the switches, cant put it in meduim or low just goes on its own out of cantrol and i have no way of managing at all! this is a scary realization for me knowing that any time these swings happen i could totally crash and may not even know it until its too late. so glad i went off meds last year i probably would have never realized so many things, God has given me a chance to take a glimpse into myself and my life and see how blessed i am, so thankful for that. my bp bff has told me many times this same thing but i never really knew what she meant until now that i can see clearly, and boy can i see clearly nowadays especially when i come off of a long ride! i suppose you never really know until youve been through something and lived through it. i thought being on meds was the easy way out but i was wrong, being on meds is the smart way, the only way for a beeper to succesfully survive this disablying disease. so here i sit knowing that the next move would be to make an appt with my pdoc and get back on my meds before things get really out of control, and just be happy and thankful that we do have a tool with our meds, now i just have to convince myself to pick up the phone and do it. ugh reality check accomplished today. i just called my family doc and made appt to talk to him before i make final decision, he has had my back from day one, he doesnt fool around with the mental aspect of my health and i know he ll help me to decide my next move, i have always been his worst bp patient but through the last few years he has become very fond of me and i of him, we have had some good laughs about my off meds progress especially through the high times ha ha. but he is catious and lets my pdoc deal with this part of my health, so i will see what happens over the next while until my appt. my grandson is coming for the weekend so that always cheers me up even when i dont expect it.