real update
I have been so side-tracked and thrown off course with this whole Crew situation. It has caused me excruciating amounts of pain and has made for a very difficult past week. It was by far the most difficult decision I have had to make in my life, and a little part of my heart is broken because of it.
I have had many kids who were my novices last year email me, as well as a few parents, and even the president called me on Monday again. They were all asking why Steff why? Come back, we need you. It frustrates me that the athletes and everyone were basically told I resigned due to a disagreement/argument with Mike. That is not the case- there was more behind it. Then on Tuesday afternoon a message was sent out through teampages (it is the website we use at Langley- fuck- they use not we...damnit I keep doing that...and it has email and messaging capabilities to send out to the team...you have to register to the site etc.) saying that I resigned (and they wrote some very nice things), then said how Matt was hired (they should of sent that out a month ago when he was hired) and lastly they said they were in the hiring process for a new coach for the novice men's coach. Damn they didn't waste time. This bothered me a lot. Per my conversations with the president on Saturday and Sunday there were no coaches in the bag at all...no one had even applied. He must of gotten the ea response sometime between Sunday 6pm and Tuesday 3pm when the message was sent out. They could of least sent that out to the team in a separate message...it was like bye steff, hi new guy. But the thing that got me the most was the fact that this message is posted on the FRONT page of the fucking website. So essentially you go to the website and it is RIGHT FUCKING THERE IN YOUR GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING FACE that i reisned. Personally if i were joing a team i would not join one if a resignation was posted as the top news of the team web page. Whatever, they can all go fuck themselves and die for all i care.
And I sent a very very nice email in res to the president in response to his cal asking how i was doing and if i had reconsidered my resignation. Actually, since he asked that to me around 2pm on monday t1he new guy must of not come into the picture until after 2pm monday. So literally 24 hours. ahhh.
Well this is what I sent, part of it. I think it shows my dedication and love for the sport.
"I'm doing okay- a part of my heart is broken from leaving the kids, but I know it is what I needed to do. It simply is just not fair to myself to stay in a situation where I feel I am not being listened to and where I am going to leave practice upset.
To be honest, I have come to the realization that I just can not work under the current head coach of Langley crew. I was never convinced that it would be a good position for him, and over the weeks I have to say I agree with that feeling. I feel as though the title has given him too much lee-weigh. I also feel as though our goals are not connected to each other's at all. I feel that his only goal is to have his guys win and that is all. Yes, I want the kids to win as well, but Crew is not JUST about winning. There is a lot more that comes into play. Out of all the years I have been involved with crew, winning is not the first thing that pops into my head. The teamwork, dedication, love for the sport, tranquility, friendships, hard work, etc. is what comes to my mind. That is what I want to share with the athletes- show them that it's not all about winning. I am to teach them to love the sport and enjoy it. Once an athlete can do that, then they will be able to push themselves to their max. Otherwise, what is the point to push yourself through hell if you don't love the reason you are doing it? That is why I love coaching novices- I teach them the fundamentals.
Personally I have realized that I need to work under a head coach who has been coaching for years and someone that I fully trust and believe in. This was not available at Langley unfortunately....
...I know I will never FULLY leave Langley Crew, as my thoughts will always include the team. To me the athletes I coach are like family. And that is what you need to do in order to be able to get them to perform to their full capabilities. And I never throw family away."
His response was kind. In it he wrote, " It is so apparent to me that your heart is in crew probably more than anyone that I have ever met. " That there means the world to me. That someone can see how dedicated I am and how much I love and put into the sport.
Besides crew now...Here is what I wrote leaving Joanna's yesterday. We spent a lot of time talking about my feelings etc. rg the crew shit and then also how it affected my food intake Sat/Sun/Mon---aka it went down the shit hole. Sat I missed 11 exchanges, Sun 13, Mon only 6. Tues I got back on track and missed 4 which is approximately how much I have missed on average the past two weeks. Yesterday (Wed) I got 100%- this did not sit well, but I guess it's good. and Today only 2.... Anyways here is what I wrote.
i need to become part of the team again- Joanna is compromising with me so i need to do my share. compromising isn't the best descriptive word, more so working with me. Meaning she says she understands and it makes sense that my food went down the shit hole this weekend...and it happened but we can move forward from that. It's not okay- but we can work with what happened and get back on track. I was taking it more as, I fucked up and I loved it and i'm not going back. I love my weight down. But no...that isn't working together. We have this comparison that we have been using now; its us painting the walls in her office. She wants it blue, I want them yellow. We came to a compromise and chose green. So all walls were painted green. But this past weekend I had a difficult time and said fuck It i'm painting a wall yellow. Now as we look at the room it is uneven and doesn't match or look right. So she is saying, okay you did that, i understand, but lets work together to make it match. but i am saying no- i dont care. its fine looking the way it is. Essentially that is me saying, nope i idid what i did and now i'm going to stay there and not go back. I got it when she made the comparison. It made sense to me. Then she compared it to the situation with mike and i got pissed off. but she was right....i was basically saying, i'm taking the rower and that's it. I'll listen to what you're saying but I don't give a fuck and I'm still going to do what i want. And I'll jump off a bridge before I EVER turn into that fucking asshole. I left Joanna's in rage and a furry of crazy and wild emotions. there is no way in fucking hell that i will ever be compared to that mother fucking bastard again in my life. I would rather die than be compared to that jackass.
So I wrote this, in a corner in the hallway outside joanna's suite while balling my eyes out. I can feel the anger coming out right now typing this up. i need to do my share to become part of my team with joanna and jill again. I will go back to only missing a few exchanges like i did the past 2 weeks- i don't think i can get 100% consistently yet, so i am not going to agree to that. i will do this because i owe it to them and am part of the team- not because i want to though. Butt i WILL not ignore, disregard, or walkover my team. Yes i would love to eat more food, who wouldn't?! But the only way i would be able to do that were if i were guaranteed not to gain weight...an impossibility i know. So I will do my share and stick with my team.
But i do see a problem in that i don't want to do it. hoew the fuck do i get myself to want to? i thought i did last year- failed. i thought i did and still strongly believe that i did this year- potentially on its course to failure.
i need to figure out a weat to make me want to.maybe i will go bak to just Jill weighing me...but i know where i am now, so I'm going to at least want to know whether i am under or in or above range. blah
i will show and tell Joanna that i am helping bring the walls back to matching by doing better with my food- ven though i want to stay where i am. i always say i will be okay if i stay where i am, yet i am perfectly fine with the possibility of it going lower. Then of course i can't go higher than that, and the whole cycle starts over again. When am i ever going to fucking change this shit.
okay....i have more written from today about something interesting i heard on the radio, as well as a timeline/correlation of events that have occurred over the past year...later I'll write that or tomorrow...
I have had many kids who were my novices last year email me, as well as a few parents, and even the president called me on Monday again. They were all asking why Steff why? Come back, we need you. It frustrates me that the athletes and everyone were basically told I resigned due to a disagreement/argument with Mike. That is not the case- there was more behind it. Then on Tuesday afternoon a message was sent out through teampages (it is the website we use at Langley- fuck- they use not we...damnit I keep doing that...and it has email and messaging capabilities to send out to the team...you have to register to the site etc.) saying that I resigned (and they wrote some very nice things), then said how Matt was hired (they should of sent that out a month ago when he was hired) and lastly they said they were in the hiring process for a new coach for the novice men's coach. Damn they didn't waste time. This bothered me a lot. Per my conversations with the president on Saturday and Sunday there were no coaches in the bag at all...no one had even applied. He must of gotten the ea response sometime between Sunday 6pm and Tuesday 3pm when the message was sent out. They could of least sent that out to the team in a separate message...it was like bye steff, hi new guy. But the thing that got me the most was the fact that this message is posted on the FRONT page of the fucking website. So essentially you go to the website and it is RIGHT FUCKING THERE IN YOUR GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING FACE that i reisned. Personally if i were joing a team i would not join one if a resignation was posted as the top news of the team web page. Whatever, they can all go fuck themselves and die for all i care.
And I sent a very very nice email in res to the president in response to his cal asking how i was doing and if i had reconsidered my resignation. Actually, since he asked that to me around 2pm on monday t1he new guy must of not come into the picture until after 2pm monday. So literally 24 hours. ahhh.
Well this is what I sent, part of it. I think it shows my dedication and love for the sport.
"I'm doing okay- a part of my heart is broken from leaving the kids, but I know it is what I needed to do. It simply is just not fair to myself to stay in a situation where I feel I am not being listened to and where I am going to leave practice upset.
To be honest, I have come to the realization that I just can not work under the current head coach of Langley crew. I was never convinced that it would be a good position for him, and over the weeks I have to say I agree with that feeling. I feel as though the title has given him too much lee-weigh. I also feel as though our goals are not connected to each other's at all. I feel that his only goal is to have his guys win and that is all. Yes, I want the kids to win as well, but Crew is not JUST about winning. There is a lot more that comes into play. Out of all the years I have been involved with crew, winning is not the first thing that pops into my head. The teamwork, dedication, love for the sport, tranquility, friendships, hard work, etc. is what comes to my mind. That is what I want to share with the athletes- show them that it's not all about winning. I am to teach them to love the sport and enjoy it. Once an athlete can do that, then they will be able to push themselves to their max. Otherwise, what is the point to push yourself through hell if you don't love the reason you are doing it? That is why I love coaching novices- I teach them the fundamentals.
Personally I have realized that I need to work under a head coach who has been coaching for years and someone that I fully trust and believe in. This was not available at Langley unfortunately....
...I know I will never FULLY leave Langley Crew, as my thoughts will always include the team. To me the athletes I coach are like family. And that is what you need to do in order to be able to get them to perform to their full capabilities. And I never throw family away."
His response was kind. In it he wrote, " It is so apparent to me that your heart is in crew probably more than anyone that I have ever met. " That there means the world to me. That someone can see how dedicated I am and how much I love and put into the sport.
Besides crew now...Here is what I wrote leaving Joanna's yesterday. We spent a lot of time talking about my feelings etc. rg the crew shit and then also how it affected my food intake Sat/Sun/Mon---aka it went down the shit hole. Sat I missed 11 exchanges, Sun 13, Mon only 6. Tues I got back on track and missed 4 which is approximately how much I have missed on average the past two weeks. Yesterday (Wed) I got 100%- this did not sit well, but I guess it's good. and Today only 2.... Anyways here is what I wrote.
i need to become part of the team again- Joanna is compromising with me so i need to do my share. compromising isn't the best descriptive word, more so working with me. Meaning she says she understands and it makes sense that my food went down the shit hole this weekend...and it happened but we can move forward from that. It's not okay- but we can work with what happened and get back on track. I was taking it more as, I fucked up and I loved it and i'm not going back. I love my weight down. But no...that isn't working together. We have this comparison that we have been using now; its us painting the walls in her office. She wants it blue, I want them yellow. We came to a compromise and chose green. So all walls were painted green. But this past weekend I had a difficult time and said fuck It i'm painting a wall yellow. Now as we look at the room it is uneven and doesn't match or look right. So she is saying, okay you did that, i understand, but lets work together to make it match. but i am saying no- i dont care. its fine looking the way it is. Essentially that is me saying, nope i idid what i did and now i'm going to stay there and not go back. I got it when she made the comparison. It made sense to me. Then she compared it to the situation with mike and i got pissed off. but she was right....i was basically saying, i'm taking the rower and that's it. I'll listen to what you're saying but I don't give a fuck and I'm still going to do what i want. And I'll jump off a bridge before I EVER turn into that fucking asshole. I left Joanna's in rage and a furry of crazy and wild emotions. there is no way in fucking hell that i will ever be compared to that mother fucking bastard again in my life. I would rather die than be compared to that jackass.
So I wrote this, in a corner in the hallway outside joanna's suite while balling my eyes out. I can feel the anger coming out right now typing this up. i need to do my share to become part of my team with joanna and jill again. I will go back to only missing a few exchanges like i did the past 2 weeks- i don't think i can get 100% consistently yet, so i am not going to agree to that. i will do this because i owe it to them and am part of the team- not because i want to though. Butt i WILL not ignore, disregard, or walkover my team. Yes i would love to eat more food, who wouldn't?! But the only way i would be able to do that were if i were guaranteed not to gain weight...an impossibility i know. So I will do my share and stick with my team.
But i do see a problem in that i don't want to do it. hoew the fuck do i get myself to want to? i thought i did last year- failed. i thought i did and still strongly believe that i did this year- potentially on its course to failure.
i need to figure out a weat to make me want to.maybe i will go bak to just Jill weighing me...but i know where i am now, so I'm going to at least want to know whether i am under or in or above range. blah
i will show and tell Joanna that i am helping bring the walls back to matching by doing better with my food- ven though i want to stay where i am. i always say i will be okay if i stay where i am, yet i am perfectly fine with the possibility of it going lower. Then of course i can't go higher than that, and the whole cycle starts over again. When am i ever going to fucking change this shit.
okay....i have more written from today about something interesting i heard on the radio, as well as a timeline/correlation of events that have occurred over the past year...later I'll write that or tomorrow...
Replies
You know it\'s a really painful realization that we are replacable in a heartbeat. But you are leaving with dignity and explained your reasons very well. Your team will miss you for a while and then they will get used to their new coach. Sorry but that\'s the way it is. The president really voiced his appreciation for all you hard work and your work ethics so take that and be proud of that part of your life.
You apparently dealt with this whole situation through ed and that\'s ok but why wait another week or so to go fully back on plan. Saying you can\'t is bullshit. You don\'t want to because you want to lose or at least not gain weight. Be honest with yourself. I hope Joanna and Jill will be tough with you and not give you any excuses. Because you are on that slippery slope of playing into ed all the way. Not good and you know it. Bring back the steff who wants to be strong and have a life.