Ready To Go!
My spirit wants to get up and MOVE! It wants to be out and about in the world. It wants to be stimulated and excited and productive. It wants to problem solve and to create and to participate and enjoy and live!
I've been in bed now for over a year. I rarely leave home, over the past 4 months my forays have been to see my son at school or court and to the supermarket oncer per month. I've seen my child maybe 6 times in four months. Otherwise I spend 22/24 hrs per day in bed.
I'm not terribly, terribly sick, its just uncomfortable to sit upright or to stand and I wear out easily, so my days are spent propped up in bed, computer on my lap. I am just 3 blocks from the ocean and I look at it longingly. I can manage the walk, not so eager to deal with the crash that comes after. Two days ago I was filled with excitement and inspiration. Had a long, vivacious conversation with my sister (hours), I was so excited I got out of bed and sat in an armchair. Yesterday was an intense healing day for me.. so, so exhausted. I had once again over-exerted.
A few days ago I had the brilliant idea of doing some VIRTUAL exercise. Sitting up in bed I loaded a Tai Chi workout and followed along with my arms while picturing my entire body participating. I felt the contractions in my glutes and hams and quads. I tensed my calves and felt the burn in my abs. At the end of the 30 minute workout I was sweating profusely even though I'd only done about 10 minutes of (very gently) waving my arms. Do you know I crashed myself?!? The next day I was so exhausted and sore all over, particularly in my legs!
Hmm. If my mind is powerful enough to crash me then it is certainly powerful enough to heal me. I came across this quote which every CFSer should hear...
INCURABLE means INcurable ie. Curable from within!
I'm finding it is easeir to get to and stay in a positive place. Sometimes the anxiety and worry and sorrow hits in waves. I miss my child. I'm now relying on handouts to survive. I'm so isolated, I don't see another person for days on end. My body is tired of this bed but not strong enough for any of the things I like to do (I have been eyeing my bedroom wall which sorely needs painting).
Yet I am happy. The waves go as quickly as they come. I am hopeful. I believe there are wonderful things in store for me, so even though the journey is trying at times, I sense that something will give soon. A change is coming, I can feel it.
How wonderful to walk through the darkest period of your life with joy in your heart.
I am still writing, I have submitted my manuscript to two publishers. About to submit a proposal to my local newspapers for a monthly column. I am designing inspirational products and have setup an online store. And I allow myself to dream. BIG dreams. Its as easy for God to grant a big miracle as it is for him to grant a small one, the only limitation is our ability to believe.
I allow myself to see myself living the life that I want to live, shining the light God has put inside of me, living healthy, happy and prosperous.
Blessings my friends, I wish the same for you.
Replies
So glad to hear you are still writing. I do hope you can get the column. It would be a steady stream of money, even if it doesn't pay much. Your situation is quite difficult and I applaud you for staying positive. It is so easy to look at the mountain of problems and want to hide our faces in the sand (or under the pillow). You keep trying every day. I can imagine that the virtual exercise was still taxing. I find folding clothes very hard, even though it's just arm movement, and not anything strenuous. But my muscles get so sore from folding clothes. Go figure. You are a dear, Max. Love you.
Hi Max! It is so good to hear from you. Glad you managed a journal on this new site!
I hear you and I feel your pain about being confined to the bed and life being so boring! You are to be applauded for trying to get some exercise and keep yourself in some sort of physical shape. We all fail at that. Our bodies just won't cooperate and yes, we will crash.
When I'm stuck in bed I usually do exercise my legs by twisting my ankles around in circles and stretching. That's about all I can do during a crash.
I can visualize that ocean that you want to see. I can remember swimming in it once! My ocean is too far away for me to look at. I watch it on I cam. I love to listen to the waves and hear The Sea gulls. It comforts me!
I'm glad you are still writing. I'm happy to know that you realize that God has the light shining within you thaf will shine as long as you hang on to him and his promises. There is hope for us! And yes God can grant big Miracles as well as small ones.
I feel the hope and inspiration within you and pray that God will continue to lead you forward.
Love, Darla
Thank you for writing - it is so helpful and uplifting. Sending you Light & Love.
Max, I totally understand the feelings of wanting to be out there in the world & enjoying our lives. When I am down I dream of those times that I am feeling well & get to do something extra with my day. I have been in my house for about two weeks, I left yesterday to take my granddaughter to the Post Office,I loved the short 6 block drive. lol. I have always dealt with depression but I have, also, always been the eternal optimist & it has helped me in this illness. I stay as positive as I can & try to enjoy whatever I am doing. You are the same way, such a positive, uplifting person. Keep on with your great attitude. I do hope you will be able to spend more time with your child, it helps to be around those that we love & try to give them the love that they deserve. Even though mine are all grown I still try to let them know how proud I am of them even if it is only through Facebook. My favorite place to vacation was the coast & I miss it. I am happy you have it so close to you & I pray you will be able to go there & enjoy it without a crash soon. Many hugs, Denise
Your journal was just the medicine I needed girlfriend.You are really such a unique and inspiring personality. I need to get my positive wild woman side going. My imagination batteries are dead and need a giant recharge. I love your inner strength Jamaican girl. I have faith in you.I need some of it in myself. I'm just lying here on my bed AGAIN, only now with a front tooth missing. Mama mama !! I broke it yesterday on some NUTS !. Guess I could have a laugh about it. I used to do Tai Chi many years back but couldn't keep up with the weekly class
However! I still remember quite a few movements and occasionally on one of my better days I practice on the back lawn.
I feel sad that you hardly ever see your son . I'm so proud though of your strength of acceptance of the situation. I'm glad he is a teenager and not a little bubba at least. That would be just too heavy.
Sorry.Not sure what happened. I lost my comment and had to press send. Lost my line of thought now too. I liked the old site so much better. I'm excited about the column. Good luck with all of your writing .You certainly have the talent. I will meditate on what you wrote about incurable. Curable from within. Good one.
Surely as eternal souls there must be a way to tune in and heal our physical bodies. Why is it so difficult. If we cut ourselves it heals, or break a leg,it heals. What is the deal with the cfs heal hey ? Love and gratitude my dear friend. I need you.xoxo