READ THIS NOW!
The following is a copy paste from an article in the NY times. It really helped me to read it and I wanted to post it so maybe it could help others also.
HEALTH
| February 28, 2011Well: Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research UrgesBy TARA PARKER-POPE
Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and family?
That simple question is the basis for a burgeoning new area of psychological research called self-compassion how kindly people view themselves. People who find it easy to be supportive and understanding to others, it turns out, often score surprisingly low on self-compassion tests, berating themselves for perceived failures like being overweight or not exercising.
The research suggests that giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health. People who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety, and tend to be happier and more optimistic. Preliminary data suggest that self-compassion can even influence how much we eat and may help some people lose weight.
This idea does seem at odds with the advice dispensed by many doctors and self-help books, which suggest that willpower and self-discipline are the keys to better health. But Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field, says self-compassion is not to be confused with self-indulgence or lower standards.
I found in my research that the biggest reason people arent more self-compassionate is that they are afraid theyll become self-indulgent, said Dr. Neff, an associate professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.
Imagine your reaction to a child struggling in school or eating too much junk food. Many parents would offer support, like tutoring or making an effort to find healthful foods the child will enjoy. But when adults find themselves in a similar situation struggling at work, or overeating and gaining weight many fall into a cycle of self-criticism and negativity. That leaves them feeling even less motivated to change.
Self-compassion is really conducive to motivation, Dr. Neff said. The reason you dont let your children eat five big tubs of ice cream is because you care about them. With self-compassion, if you care about yourself, you do whats healthy for you rather than whats harmful to you.
Dr. Neff, whose book, Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, is being published next month by William Morrow, has developed a self-compassion scale: 26 statements meant to determine how often people are kind to themselves, and whether they recognize that ups and downs are simply part of life.
A positive response to the statement Im disapproving and judgmental about my own flaws and inadequacies, for example, suggests lack of self-compassion. When I feel inadequate in some way, I try to remind myself that feelings of inadequacy are shared by most people suggests the opposite.
For those low on the scale, Dr. Neff suggests a set of exercises like writing yourself a letter of support, just as you might to a friend you are concerned about. Listing your best and worst traits, reminding yourself that nobody is perfect and thinking of steps you might take to help you feel better about yourself are also recommended.
Other exercises include meditation and compassion breaks, which involve repeating mantras like Im going to be kind to myself in this moment.
If this all sounds a bit too warm and fuzzy, like the Al Franken character Stuart Smalley (Im good enough, Im smart enough, and doggone it, people like me), there is science to back it up. A 2007 study by researchers at Wake Forest University suggested that even a minor self-compassion intervention could influence eating habits. As part of the study, 84 female college students were asked to take part in what they thought was a food-tasting experiment. At the beginning of the study, the women were asked to eat doughnuts.
One group, however, was given a lesson in self-compassion with the food. I hope you wont be hard on yourself, the instructor said. Everyone in the study eats this stuff, so I dont think theres any reason to feel real bad about it.
Later the women were asked to taste-test candies from large bowls. The researchers found that women who were regular dieters or had guilt feelings about forbidden foods ate less after hearing the instructors reassurance. Those not given that message ate more.
The hypothesis is that the women who felt bad about the doughnuts ended up engaging in emotional eating. The women who gave themselves permission to enjoy the sweets didnt overeat.
Self-compassion is the missing ingredient in every diet and weight-loss plan, said Jean Fain, a psychotherapist and teaching associate at Harvard Medical School who wrote the new book The Self-Compassion Diet (Sounds True publishing). Most plans revolve around self-discipline, deprivation and neglect.
Dr. Neff says that the field is still new and that she is just starting a controlled study to determine whether teaching self-compassion actually leads to lower stress, depression and anxiety and more happiness and life satisfaction.
The problem is that its hard to unlearn habits of a lifetime, she said. People have to actively and consciously develop the habit of self-compassion.
HEALTH
| February 28, 2011Well: Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research UrgesBy TARA PARKER-POPE
Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and family?
That simple question is the basis for a burgeoning new area of psychological research called self-compassion how kindly people view themselves. People who find it easy to be supportive and understanding to others, it turns out, often score surprisingly low on self-compassion tests, berating themselves for perceived failures like being overweight or not exercising.
The research suggests that giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health. People who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety, and tend to be happier and more optimistic. Preliminary data suggest that self-compassion can even influence how much we eat and may help some people lose weight.
This idea does seem at odds with the advice dispensed by many doctors and self-help books, which suggest that willpower and self-discipline are the keys to better health. But Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field, says self-compassion is not to be confused with self-indulgence or lower standards.
I found in my research that the biggest reason people arent more self-compassionate is that they are afraid theyll become self-indulgent, said Dr. Neff, an associate professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.
Imagine your reaction to a child struggling in school or eating too much junk food. Many parents would offer support, like tutoring or making an effort to find healthful foods the child will enjoy. But when adults find themselves in a similar situation struggling at work, or overeating and gaining weight many fall into a cycle of self-criticism and negativity. That leaves them feeling even less motivated to change.
Self-compassion is really conducive to motivation, Dr. Neff said. The reason you dont let your children eat five big tubs of ice cream is because you care about them. With self-compassion, if you care about yourself, you do whats healthy for you rather than whats harmful to you.
Dr. Neff, whose book, Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, is being published next month by William Morrow, has developed a self-compassion scale: 26 statements meant to determine how often people are kind to themselves, and whether they recognize that ups and downs are simply part of life.
A positive response to the statement Im disapproving and judgmental about my own flaws and inadequacies, for example, suggests lack of self-compassion. When I feel inadequate in some way, I try to remind myself that feelings of inadequacy are shared by most people suggests the opposite.
For those low on the scale, Dr. Neff suggests a set of exercises like writing yourself a letter of support, just as you might to a friend you are concerned about. Listing your best and worst traits, reminding yourself that nobody is perfect and thinking of steps you might take to help you feel better about yourself are also recommended.
Other exercises include meditation and compassion breaks, which involve repeating mantras like Im going to be kind to myself in this moment.
If this all sounds a bit too warm and fuzzy, like the Al Franken character Stuart Smalley (Im good enough, Im smart enough, and doggone it, people like me), there is science to back it up. A 2007 study by researchers at Wake Forest University suggested that even a minor self-compassion intervention could influence eating habits. As part of the study, 84 female college students were asked to take part in what they thought was a food-tasting experiment. At the beginning of the study, the women were asked to eat doughnuts.
One group, however, was given a lesson in self-compassion with the food. I hope you wont be hard on yourself, the instructor said. Everyone in the study eats this stuff, so I dont think theres any reason to feel real bad about it.
Later the women were asked to taste-test candies from large bowls. The researchers found that women who were regular dieters or had guilt feelings about forbidden foods ate less after hearing the instructors reassurance. Those not given that message ate more.
The hypothesis is that the women who felt bad about the doughnuts ended up engaging in emotional eating. The women who gave themselves permission to enjoy the sweets didnt overeat.
Self-compassion is the missing ingredient in every diet and weight-loss plan, said Jean Fain, a psychotherapist and teaching associate at Harvard Medical School who wrote the new book The Self-Compassion Diet (Sounds True publishing). Most plans revolve around self-discipline, deprivation and neglect.
Dr. Neff says that the field is still new and that she is just starting a controlled study to determine whether teaching self-compassion actually leads to lower stress, depression and anxiety and more happiness and life satisfaction.
The problem is that its hard to unlearn habits of a lifetime, she said. People have to actively and consciously develop the habit of self-compassion.
Replies
this is awesome!!!! Thanks for posting!
You\'re very welcome, glad it could help. I think I\'m gonna post it as a discussion or something like that
Thanks for this article. Funny thing is, I\'ve known this forever, and when I would tell people they\'d think I was talking out my arse.
When I can completely accept myself, my situation, and my reaction to it, it\'s the weight off my shoulders. But it doesn\'t stop there, it\'s about saying, \"this is me world, and I\'m good enough\" then, I stop trying to lose the weight, and I stop \"trying\" harder at work or school, and I stop beating myself up for not getting things perfectly \"right\". I basically throw away my \"will power\" and say what is, is. That\'s so counter to our \"work harder, lose weight, be perfect\" culture that most people don\'t get it.
That\'s when something magical happens. I start liking myself again. And when I start liking myself, I start to be calm. When I start to be calm, I automatically want to take better care of myself and it\'s not an effort. I shed all that useless critical voices berating me to get \"motivated\", because I feel good, and want to feel even better. Then I want to do the healthy things for myself, and doing those things become effortless and enjoyable, versus being a chore, or punishment.
yep - it\'s a difficult concept to grasp, again because it runs so counter to our culture, but the less you hate yourself for not being perfect or not doing things perfectly, the less likely you\'ll be tempted to binge for example (because you feel deprived from diets and aren\'t losing the weight perfectly, or enough fast enough).
With that said, it\'s not as easy as it sounds. It\'s a head space you get into usually when you\'re just plain old fed up. The word surrender comes to mind.
That and I ask myself, when I\'m being self critical, is, \"what would I tell my best friend?\". Or, \"what would I do for my child if they were going through what I\'m going through?\" Would I reject them, say awful things to them, punish them - no I wouldn\'t .I would offer as much support as I could making them as comfortable as I could.