Reached a new point . . .

I decided TODAY that I am really, really through!! I did something really stupid today and again did not use my better judgement.  I see the path I have gone down now very clearly.. and every time I am able to have a few weeks free of gambling, I am even further enlightened. Logically (like most of us) I have it all down . . .whew ... following the truth and the right path is the challenge.    I reinforced everything today - - the ugliness of the casinos; the looks on faces of desparation, anxiety, sadness, shame, etc.  everything but happiness...  If I want a better life, NOT gambling is the way to go.  When I don't go to the casino, my life is much clearer and life is good. For some reason, the CG card is one I happened to be dealt in life but it doesn't mean that life can't be happy.  One of the things that happens to me and maybe to others is that when I don't gamble, though things are better in many ways, there is still an element of excitement that is missing and that I "think" I  miss so much; I am a person I guess that thrives on things "happening" - maybe that's not the word, kind of hard to explain, but whatever it is - it is NOT reality.  When I go off of the path, I realize that I DON'T miss the ugliness of it all and the way it makes me feel inside.  It has taken a long long time for me to think that life can be exciting without gambling, but it's going to have to be that way.  I have given up and will get some help with this instead of going on and off the wagon. I will use this site frequently like I did before and I know I can suceed.  Part of me would like to go to a GA meeting too.  Making the first entry in the room, as I recall, is the worst.  After that it gets easier. :] Thanks for reading my long, drawn out entry.  It feels good to speak to those that know what it's really like. Thanks to all of my friends here and happy new year! ODAATSmokeygirl