Raw, unexpected grief

I just found out that one of my professors, Dr. Les Bailey from last semester at SMU passed away from cancer complications on Christmas Eve, almost a week ago. I don't know what to feel. I am surprised that learning about his death has had such an effect on me. I guess I didn't expect that I would never see him again on the last day of classes in December. The same man who required that we journal about our experiences during our first semester of school, who read the entries that tell of my urge to cut and my suicidal thoughts was fighting for his own life. While I was doing everything I could to throw my life away, he was struggling to survive a disease that wanted to kill him. I feel like its not fair. I should be the one who died on Christmas Eve. He so much wanted to live, and I so much didn't. I mean, now, I am feeling better. I spent 6 days in the hospital earlier this month after my counselor learned of my thought-out plans to commit suicide. I can't imagine what that must have been like for him to read my journals though. I am angry-- at myself, and at the fact of his death. I am sad that I never got the chance to really know him, and I will never get the opportunity again. It makes me want to get to know people more, never knowing if that day may be their last. It makes me want to throw away my Facebook, throw out my TV, discard everything that doesn't really matter. People matter. And they die. Opportunities end.
This feeling I am feeling must be grief. I am sad. Very sad. Very angry. Almost in denial. But I can't deny his picture in the obituaries when I googled his name. God... I don't understand. Why wasn't it me?? ~Tracie Grace

Replies

SecretlyDamaged
SecretlyDamaged

im with you hon, my uncle died and im in the exact same boat. it should have been me. i dnt wannt to be here and he did but he\'s gone and im still wasting away.
life isnt fair.
hugs