RAOK Day in Georgia

it is almost 4 in the morning.  funny truth......revved up days produce a tired hyper sick person sometimes.  too wired too settle down.
i was making a short to do list.  very short term goals.....stuff like: declutter key ring, which is very hard to do.  Clean out my wallet & purse.....they has gained 5 lbs in paper since my last organizational quest. yes, i have plenty of regular chores and honeydos, but the extra weight in my purse is a killer, gotta lighten the load.  get it off my shoulder.......why do i have so much in that bag?  today i found at least 7 pens.........why do i need that much ink in my purse?  multiply that times all of the other guppy like paraphernalia that reproduces every 22 seconds .......left unchecked my purse will weigh approximately the same amount as a P.T. Barnum & Bailey Elephant.  so yeah, nuff said, time to tidy some stuff. lol.
moving along.  the endodontist staff and doc were all lovely........very lovely.  i went online early this morning and applied for a type of insurance that can be used for dental, health, pet and cosmetic procedures too.  In my case it's gonna be tooth related.  I have several things coming up.  Have to finish up the root canal today with a crown and then have two more teeth worked on and then have some deep cleanings scheduled. (if i were a street, i would be bringing in a road crew for clean up............sigh, ha ha ha!)
about the endo i saw today.  boy oh boy, i was so touchy after my run in with the gruff lady in the other dentist's office that i was just not myself.  add to the mix lack of sleep and too much pain in my mouth and i woulda cried if a beige wall looked at me neutrally, let alone funny.......i was not myself.   i was trying to explain myself to the endo and her asst.......and falling apart all at the same time.  I was doubt filled, second guessing myself......scared, frustrated, worried and in pain.  So dizzy too.......moving around felt like tempting fate to fall down.  not sure if i'm making sense, but i'm gonna press on.........the endo doc stopped my little speech, my teary speech and she said, "I'm not thinking anything negative about you.  I just want to help you.  It is obvious to me that you are in pain and not just in your mouth.  Your back is causing you a lot of discomfort isn't it? How can I make you more comfortable.......?"
She was decent and good and kind ---- I fell apart for a bit and then regrouped.  It helped so very much.........to be in the company of decency.  The office manager at that other place had surmised things wrongly......seemed to "know things which she expressed with negativity via uncomfortable statements that really had nothing to do with me"...........it was her problem. 
I was feeling so crummy that I took on her crumbumminess too.....absorbed it, slurped it right up.....but it wasn't water, it was desert sand.  Be careful of what you drink.......especially when you are in pain, often isolated.......frustrated, anxious........out of sorts, feeling like you are out of strength.  We need water.........so spit out the sand and remember who you are.  And pray........prayer helps get a body re-aligned and re-calibrated. I sat there getting that root canal and prayed.....a very short prayer, "Lord, please relax and refocus me.  Let me be calm and serene.  Guide her hands, let this go well."  but in my head it was more of a shorthand mantra, relax, refocus, be calm now serene........guide her, guide me..........and just kept repeating it in my head.  After a little bit I was able to take a cleansing breath....relax a bit, let go of the arms on the chair........I had been gripping those arms so tight that my hands hurt.  Already know their will be PEM, why amp it up by fighting the situation?  Let go and let God help you little sparrow............so that is what happened.  Leaned in to the procedure and things got better........lots better.
The doc had told me that she would do the root canal in two visits because it takes a good bit of time and then she explained that her primary reason was to try to limit the pain for me and not tire me too much.  Which is lovely in theory, but for this little bird it means two recup times instead of one.  I explained it to her, how PEM works....... but I said that I was going to be fine either way, I just needed to settle down and let go of my frustrations.  Well she did the whole root canal for me today........how very kind of her. 
A sidebar odd deal.......I had spasms sitting in that chair......the angle/lower to the ground/something about it brought on a boatload of muscle spasms........we found a position that worked for both of us.  I wish I could remember that when I feel like super crud I really hate having to explain conditions/brain fog......I am SO MUCH BETTER WRITING than talking.  I feel so exposed, vulnerable ----- seems like it is a lot to be in pain for such a long time and then have a new pain source added to the mix.......and now have to explain medical conditions and fill out forms and ............of course it's necessary, it's just hard when you're so upside down...........it makes me feel alone, all by myself.........without a posse, an entourage........i'm too tired to write anything else.  i hope something in this post made sense.  sending air hugs..........soft ones.........p.s. today is Random Act of Kindness Day in the great state of Georgia......so here it is.............Ya'll are the kindest, nicest most wonderful neighbors and friends any body could ever have or ever want.......how blessed, truly blessed i am to know ya'll.............now go put your virtual flowers in a pretty vase........xoxo.