Ranting and Raving

I feel really sad right now. Like I want to cry. I spent the day on the phone with my friend. We spoke of business so it wasn’t wasting time. But I just feel sad. When it reaches about this time I start to feel really lonely. Like- any form of joy that was to be had today has already been had and the rest of the night is just going to be me getting by until I fall asleep. I’m so fucking lonely. I feel like I can’t crack a smile. Why? I think it might be because I texted w john this morning. When I typed that my eyes watered up. So we have a winner. Then there’s the fact that I was SO happy this morning. I thought maybe it was the end to this long string of BROKE that I’ve been for the past year. But then my now ex-client told me that an attorney called up and undermined me. You know what- I did the same thing to an attorney around here. But he was established. He could afford it. He has many offices and many clients. I don’t. And I’m starting to feel like maybe I should just jump ship. You know- I think its b/c I spoke to my friend G today and he just knows SO much more than me. He works with lawyers around him. He speaks to them everyday. They help him. I don’t have that. I’m all on my own. Maybe I can’t do this. I feel like that’s never going to be me. That he’s just better than me. I’ve felt that since law school. Like I work harder- he gets better things. But you know what- I don’t work harder than him right now. What I’m experiencing now is the aftermath of my depression. This is the first week I’ve put in 40 hours since I can’t remember when. But I think of this weekend and not going anywhere and not doing anything and I feel like what’s it all worth? Fuck man. Good attorneys stay late. If I had a lot of business I would be staying late. You know what- I just gotta get over that shit. I can’t compare myself to others. G isn’t me. C isn’t me. I just want to go home. But I know there’s no comfort there either. But there’s numbness. That’s what I really want right now. Numbness.
I also have this feeling that for whatever reason I can’t shake that at 8pm if I’m not sitting down with my family and eating dinner then I’m fucking something up. I really do want people in my life. But every time someone comes around they hurt me. John told me he will always love me this morning. He was so horrible to me. I don’t want that kind of love. It didn’t feel like love. I wanted to argue with him so fucking bad. He said “I’ve stood by you every step of the way” and that’s not true AT ALL. He abandoned me at the drop of drama. Just like my dad. All he does is talk about how great he is. Every piece of me wanted to scream BULLSHIT!!!!!! And tell him all about himself. But I knew that doing that meant he was going to be back in my life. I knew that I couldn’t engage with him. It would be letting him back into my life. I just can’t do that. No matter what- I have to do all I can to keep people like that out of my life. I just cried for the past 5 min. I think I’m better now. Back to work.