ranting again...

I have always loved the lolita style, but obviously because I'm a fatass I will never be able to wear a dress. The plus size lolita dresses are extremely dificult to find, and when I do find one it's either sold out or still too small. I wish I could wear what I wanted as a fat person. I wish I didn't have PCOS, then I'd be able to wear whatever I want and look good. But no, I just HAD to get this fucking sickness. 

But not being able to wear what I want is just the tip of the iceberg: I am fat, hairy, ugly and have strange spots on my skin. The scars of self-harm are no beauty-marks either. My hair is like a weird sort of afro and I am honestly ashamed of what I look like, but my sickness prevents me from losing weight. I'm too ugly to ever be liked by anyone, which is why I began to say that I can't fall in love, that i'm an 'aromantic asexual'. I am not an aromantic asexual, I have just given up hope. No one will ever fall in love with a hideous thing like me. 

So I sit behind a screen all day, hearing my only friend tell about her life and I feel so unworthy, because they could be out there with their TRUE friends. I know they only care for me out of pity: "Poor fat, mentally unstable and disgusting thing. At least I help them". I've heard too many times that I'm clingy, needy and a nuicance: someone  you act kind towards because they make you feel depressed with how much of a sad excuse of a human being they are. My friend probably wants to get rid of me, which I understand. I should just die in a hole.

Somehow, despite all of this I haven't killed myself yet. I want to, but I don't know how. What medicine to take to end it, what liquid to drink and most importantly how high the chance of survival is. I want to be 100% certain that I'll be a goner before I do anything. But even so I have to do it when everyone has already forgotten me, that way they won't even know who died and why they should care.

Actually: I wouldn't kill myself, at least not yet. But if an accident were to happen, I wouldn't mind dying. If I get hit by a truck tomorrow they don't have to call an ambulance: let those guys go towards people who really need medical attention, not someone who is going to snap and kill themselves eventually. 

Right now I am waiting for that accident to happen, and if it doesn't I'll eventually do everyone a favor and die.