Rant
It's about 6:15 am here.... been up since 4:30. I finally got a good night's sleep and when I woke up (which I do often normally) I thought it was like 10 pm. I look at the clock to find out I slept through the whole night without waking up! So I had my breakfast (oatmeal and coffee) and I feel good, not tired at all. Geo got upset at me when I came out of the room at 7 pm (I originally went to sleep at 3:30 pm) and ate a salad. I had labs done yesterday, and at the doctor's office I go to gives out free lunches, so I ate one of them. It made my stomach upset and Geo was mad that I didn't eat the sausages we had taken out for dinner. I should have told him that my stomach was still upset and Polish sausage was just too much for my stomach. I will tell him today. I have been fighting mood swings and getting depressed. I know Geo is in a lot of pain, but some of the things he has been saying have been more than just harmful. I told him I was struggling not to purge (I'm also bulimic) and he told me that was pathetic and if I did purge I was pathetic. I ended up purging. Another time I told him I was suicidal, and he said he wasn't going to stop me and actually trying to encourage me. I don't know if he knows how painful that was. After I said I wasn't going to do it, he threatened to send me to the hospital. I told him I just wanted to go to a place where I wasn't yelled at all the time. Geo doesn't see how bad his anger is, and he REFUSES to go to anger management. He would choose to be alone instead of being with me and taking classes. He said that. I gave him the choice- me and anger management or being alone, and he said being alone. He says that telling him to go to anger management is like him telling me to go to the hospital. I don't know what it's going to take to get him to see how bad his anger is. He throws things, punches walls or doors... If that was me, I would see I need help. But he doesn't. He has never hit me. He says he would never hit a woman. I get scared when he's angry and he doesn't care. I know he is emotionally abusive and I should leave him for that, but I love him. I don't want to leave him... he has helped me a lot in the past and also lately. Sorry for the rant. *hugs*
Replies
Sounds to me like its a horrible situation and the 2 of you shouldn't be together. With both of your struggles and if one or both of you isnt seeking treatment then it can be very dangerous and harmful for you, more so for you since he is the abusive one. Its easy for me over here to say just leave BUT I am fully aware that it is easier said than done. I wish the best always and hope that one day you make the hard decisions for a better life for yourself..xoxo
Hard way to live...Hope you get things figured out. Be sure you are not making threats to do things to control Geo. That might be his reaction to your suicide threats. He may have heard that too many times before and it is an anger trigger now. HUGS! Looking for you in chat soon?
this is all a very bad situation turning worse as time goes by. whatever geos motivation, it is not healthy for you in so many ways. so what if you didnt want the sausage? ten you purged, not good. i think the seperation with your mom time will be good, really think long and hard over everything, if it were me would you encourage me to stay? use your answer to help yourself hun. hugss
Ann's question is perfect: If it was one of your friends being subjected to Geo's abuse, would you encourage her to stay? What concerns me the most is his complete unwillingness to get help. Seems to me that if he loves you, and he knows that his anger frightens you, he would want to try to change. Also, encouraging you to commit suicide? Really?? That would be my cue to walk out the door without looking back! I do understand that you love him, but the real question is does he love you? You deserve better, in my opinion. Regardless of whether you stay or go, I wish you the best! Always in your corner. Hugs!
Hon, Hugs, Ladybug7 has said it so well. You deserve better than that. By talking about suicide, you are really reaching out for help. Go to a mental health centre and see what support they have. Do not shoulder his problems, those are his. He knows what he has to do but does not want to do it. My ex is the same. He used my feelings and wants as a reason to explode. He exploded once too often, now that is why he is the ex. You start putting yourself first, learn to love yourself too. Geo will have to grow up. Sorry if I sound hard and to the point, but you really need to step back and see him for what he really is not what you wish he was. Hugs and keep in touch. We are here for you.
maybe you should live next door to each other instead of together. or at the very least a room of your own -- you are right what he is doing is dangerous. odd that he acts like that?
My therapist said that I need to stop getting scared (see next journal) and that he is getting better. Next October we have decided if we are still like this we will part ways. Scary.. we've been together for 11 and a half years.