Random Thoughts at Christmas

Having finally gotten through the dreaded 1 year mark on December 5th, I have found myself thinking a few random thoughts about my husband, my life, and the holiday season. 1)  I realize that I met Stan for the first time in December (1971) and lost him in December (2008) We had a great Christmas romance which ended a few months later and did not actually get together again until Spring of 1993, but nevertheless, there is that sense of full circle about December. 2)  I realize that his sister who did not like me after we were married also did not like me in 1971 either.  Actually, I don't think she likes very many people.  Stan did say to me after a few years of marriage that no matter who he brought home for girlfriends, his family never seemed to like any of them, and for me not to take it personally.  At this time, I think I can finally do that - not take it personally anymore. 3)  I was pleasantly surprised to receive 3 Christmas cards from couples who had been friends of Stan.  I decided this year not to send them cards unless they sent to me, so as not to look like a needy widow.  After all, even though I liked these people, there were, in fact, Stan's friends rather than mine.  It was so great to get their cards and know that they meant it, and were not just returning my card to them.  I sent out cards to all of them today, with a short note.  Stan was lucky to have them as friends. 4)  I have a lot to be thankful for this Christmas.  Even though I still miss Stan a lot, and I know that will continue, other things have worked out well.  I have a new apartment that I am finally getting used to and even beginning to like - and it is so much easier to clean the smaller space!  My health is good all things considered, even though I have to take my cane with me everywhere because I need it to handle stairs and to get on and off the bus.  So what if it makes me look like an old lady - I'm 61 and a cane goes with the territory - so what!  I am so thankful for the unemployment extensions I have received; I try not to worry about what will happen when they run out - try to trust that God WILL find me a job to last until I reach retirement age. I am thankful for all the help I have gotten from my daughter; she has really come through for me, helping me with the move, and helping me not to feel so overwhelmed by it all.   I am thankful for having discovered this wonderful Widow/Windowers group where I have been able to get so much emotional support and help during the past year.  5)  I feel as if I am definitely entering a different phase of my life though I am still not sure exactly where I am going yet.  I ordered address labels today that will say Ms instead of Mrs on them.  A very small change, yet significant somehow.  I do however, still wear my ring and do not have any urge to take if off or move it to my right hand.  I guess this is all part of finding the "new" me - the me who not primarily a widow, but the woman who happens to be, among other things, a widow.   Wish I could share these random thoughts with Stan.  He would understand, and we could have a real discussion about life....