random musings

So I overheard in a meeting today that if  I would have committed suicide if I actually wanted to die or something like that. Take out the commit part and it kind of makes sense to me. I have a problem with people using the word commit to refer to suicide  because it refers to when suicide was a crime but other than that I relate to it. I think that if I had actually wanted to die by suicide I would have killed myself. I know this is really serious talk but I'm not suicidal at all I'm actually hypomanic. So there's no need to worry about me and being in a dangerous mental state. I was just more of thinking that if if I had actually wanted to die I would have by now.

Kind of along those lines I was also thinking that I was using the hospital as a means of self harm. Going along this logic I would get suicidal to the point of wanting to die but not actually willing to follow through with it so I will check myself into the hospital. This would hurt myself and others and get me attention which is what I wanted use wanted but in the wrong way. This is not the way to go about getting attention. I have pretty malladaptive coping skills So I was just using what I knew and that was checking myself into the hospital rather than dying. It got to the point where I was almost abusing my privilege of being able to check myself into the hospital and hurting everyone around me and not caring. I have a lot of wreckage to clean up and and part of that is because of my mental health.

Part of being in program is realizing where we are at fault. Yes I realize that I have a mental disorder but at the same time I have to realize what part I have played in it. What harms I have caused by being mentally ill and some of it is a lot. I'm not talking about the harms that I couldn't control like the big D Depression, rather the small d depression. I see small d depression as more of a character defect and Big D depression as something out of my control. I don't know if any of this is making sense. I'm. I'm typing this out on my phone voice keyboard so I so I don't even know if this is coherent but but I'm trying. I hope you all have a good night.