Random Comments

After just posting a comment in Hoops' Journal, I realized something: The greatest gift I can give my son is not demand he love and respect me, but instead to encourage him to love and respect himself.
(I heard the "dawn-of-realization" come yesterday while my son was talking on-line to a friend, stating that all my son does right now is sleep and play games on his XBox 360 (he rarely leaves the house except to drive to the mailboxes to keep the battery in his car charged) and...
it's geting boring!
He's finally catching-on, on his own (without his parents badgering him) that there may be, and probably is, more to life than he is experiencing right now. To me, it's a good sign. The "sun" of action hasn't risen yet, but the sky is getting lighter, suggesting more light, and a new day, a different day. I like it.
 
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Change of topic:
So last night before I went to sleep, I chose to peruse a new book that I ordered and had sitting on the bookcase with two others; waiting for the right moment to read them. Looking through the Table of Contents, in a book on overcoming Phobias and Anxiety (really, I got it for research for myself, and how to help others overcome the same thing), and guess what? At the very back is a short chapter on Co-dependency! How's that for 'snychronicity'? An accident? Fate? Of all the things to pick up, instead of one on Grieving, or another on Depression, my hand picks up the one on "Freedom from Fear", and it has a chapter on Codependency as an adjunct to phobias and anxiety. How about that?
So what does it say? That "phobocs", because of their "people pleasing" focus, are likely to manifest codependent tendencies. And, other authors propose a number of definitions.
1. An excess focus on others.
2. A person who chronically neglects himself or herself in favor of a sick or needy other.
3. Someone who finds his or her identity exclusively in caring for others. (Like our mothers did to us, maybe?)
4. One who organizes his or her life around another person. (Same as 2.)
5. A loss of self (Identity) in favor of a sick, needy other.
6. An excessive attention to exciting, addicted, unhealthy, needy people.
 
The author, Howard Liebgold, M. D., continues by stating that "All codependents embrace three beliefs that perpetuate their disorder" (by the way, Dr. Liebglod admits that, as a physician, most physicians are codependent in that they seek to help sick people, as are any number of the many people in the helping professions; and he's no exception!):
1. "I don't deserve better. I am not worthy and will be lucky if I find anybody."
2. "I only deserve second best." A recent article described a young lady who was shot twice in the head and once in the shoulder by her boyfriend. She spent four months in the hospital but vowed that she loved him and would marry him when he got out of jail in twenty years. She said, "My friends told me I'm crazy, but they don't pay my bills. I love him and I'm going to marry him." Perhaps going on to the third belief might explain her behavior.
3. "I can't survive alone and I won't find another. I will buy your alcohol and drugs, I will call in work excuses to give you time to recover from your excess --- anythig to maintain our relationship." Sure he shot her three times, but that's better than not having anybody.
 
Codependent "love" is desperately needy love. It is love at any price. It is described as smothering, enmeshed, judgmental, conditional, undisciplined, unbalanced, dependent, manipulative, suspicious, jealous, exploitive, irresponsible, controlling, and restrictive. There are no clearly defined boundaries. The energies of the relationship are tilted toward one sick individual. (The sick codependent, it may seem the other way around, but I beleive it's the codependent that's really the sick one.)
 
The behavior continues in three cycles:
1. Rescurer: "I feel worth only when I abandon myself in favor of that desperately compromised other. The martyr role suits me well. I crave it." (Addiction?)
2. Victim: "As a result of my poor choice I become victimized. I suffer psychic, physical, and financial ruin. I resent it intensely. "After all I've done for you, I then become the..."
3. Persecutor: "I direct my anger at my hapless partner. If the relationship ends, I must find another very soon to fulfill my obligation to rescue and the cycle begins anew." (I believe this refers to the reason I chose my wifes, and other "partners". It certainly explains alot. However, as I'm changing, I'm appreciating my present wife more and more, for reasons that are NOT codependnet!)
 
Codependents tend to be crisis addicts. Codependents are emotional overreactors and they seek out partners who fulfill their requirements. It often leads to psychic exhaustion and destructive addictions (I've experienced this firsthand). One pays a high price for constantly assuming the role of rescuer.
 
The changes begin with re-writng the script:
1. From "I don't deserve better" to Yes I do!
2. From "I only desreve second best" to No I don't! I deserve the best!
3. From "I need to take care of the needy human because I will never find another" to No, I need to take care of myself and then I will find MANY others.
 
This is the time to "FACE" yourself (He continues):  
Forgive---you did the best you could with the tools you had at the time.
Accept---yourself unconditionally with your faults, blemishes, phobias, or weight. We are all fallible people. It is human to fail and make mistakes and it IS okay (No matter what anyone else tries to convince you is true).
Care---for myself. It is important that I declare myself number one and start asking, "What is best for me?" Look in the mirror and say, "I love you unconditionally" and keep saying it until you mean it.
Esteem---myself. I am worthy...simply because I am born.  I am worthy, independent of my accomplishments; and worthy becasue I claim it! I am worthy because I continue to strive and persevere. I don't need anyone to give me permission to esteem myself highly. It is my decision alone and I choose it.
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Apparently, the real abandonment we all fear here on DS is excessive SELF-abandonment. And we continue to do the very thing we fear, over and over.
Of course, I only read that one chapter; I still have to digest the rest of the book. Suffice to say that my codependecy is tied to a phobia.
One thing is for certain; Focusing on another is a sure sign that I'm not focusing on myself, which is what I really want to do.
Anyway, I thought it was worth sharing...