Rambles about realizations over quarantine

A lot of things have changed this pandemic. 

I realized that instead of my grand vision of becoming great and helping other people, I just want to be happy. Does me being happy necessarily clash with helping others? In my old vision, it did. In my new vision, who knows where things will go. 

I realized my need to become more socially adept. In first quarter I was so lonely I could just about cry. Now I've built up a small contingent of friends and acquaintances from college, online, and I've continued existing friendships. Well for that last part, I've at least tried. It's difficult when the other person doesn't text first and when we have to maintain conversation over text while both of us are busy constantly with college. 

I've redefined what relationships are, I'm learning to have relationships that are relatively arbitrary and shallow. Before I could not have friends who were not deeply personally acquainted. At least without sharing deeply personaly stuff and knowing these things about each other. I felt that that was a mark of friendship. The issue was how hard it made it to make new friends. Now I've made new friends, and the relationships are more shallow. I'm finding it hard to conceptualize them in my mind, oftentimes I even feel like they are not real friendships in my mind because they're lacking that mark of personal connection. I feel it's difficult to connect to anyone without revealing deeper parts of my identity, which is inappropriate early on in any relationship, and which I've become generally more reserved about revealing. I'm learning to gradually sink into relationships, revealing more as time goes on. It's a work on progress. I'm not even sure if I like doing this or if I'd rather dump on people right at the start like I always did. 

Relationship problems, I don't know how to deepen relationships, finding opportunities to connect is hard and feels like a chore especially online. I've grown used to retreating into my shell during quarantine, and in a way it's been good to have so much solitary time to think. I've reevaluated myself in a lot of ways this past year. It's also been downright awful for my mental health to be so isolated. 

Something else I've gotten much better at is handling mental health. I've become more positive, surprisingly. When things are down I've been able to tell myself I know they will get better, and that all is temporary. I've gotten more confident in my own ability to bounce back. And something that always got to me - how I always end up going back to a bad place - I've grown to recognize that it's part of the emotional cycle of my life, nothing to despair about. I just need to go through that bad time, and the good time will eventually come. Ultimately, that nothing is as ever as awful or urgent as I feel it is, and in fact if I donmt feel it is then it simply won't be awful or urgent at all. Events are given meaning by our feelings towards them, I don't believe that they inherently have a specific degree of meaning. I'm trying to change my mindset, reaching out, always hoping and visualizing a better one. I'm getting better. 

I'm getting better. 

In the same vein, I've learned that other people's success is not my failure. I'm still learning that, actually. I've learned to slow down and not take life so seriously. Again, still learning that. After years of angst the concept of laughing at myself and being able to relax and slow down feels like it shouldn't come naturally, but with the right push I slip into it easily, and it feels like the natural, healthy version of me. It feels good. It feels very right and good, and with it all is a little more right in the world. All my feelings settle and I feel peace. 

I've realized that perhaps I should pursue some spirituality. Perhaps humans do need spirituality. The cold science I pursued for so long hasn't provided for me emotionally, it has no warm human folds, no empathy. Though thinking scientifically has provided some positive framework for the way I think, I think I've reached the limits for what it can do for me in my journey to heal. Spirituality... I have little interest (and some revulsion towards) organized religion. The idea of following, conceding my worldview and life goals to another body of thought just doesn't mesh well with who I am. If I'm going to become spiritual I'm going to do it my own way, perhaps combining bits from other spiritualities that work for me, and figuring out my own spiritual steadposts. I deserve a warm and human body of thought that acknowledges who I am and appreciates me as something more than an organism, a human, a psychological construct, a unit of society, blah blah blah. That is how science has enabled me to recognize myself thus far, but I've always know that I'm more than that. 

I've realized that I enjoy dressing up and taking care of myself. On days where I'm feeling good I relish the feeling of doing it. On days when I'm feeling bad I loathe the chore of doing it (but in the end it makes me feel good or at least better half the time anyway). I take the word of the good over the bad days; they're when I feel more myself and more fulfilled as me. To this end I've bought lots of jewelery online, which is perhaps also manifesting as an unhealthy online shopping addiction. I've been buying things impulsively and also checking the sameorders throughout the day as if that'll make them come faster. On one side I see these pieces of jewelery as a gift to myself, a committment to making myself look and feel good. On the other hand, they can also feel like capitalistic products, cheap products of labor, products of my own capitalistic shopping additiction that helps me cope with the difficulty of day-to-day life. I began to lose sight of why I was buying things and leaning more towards the unhealthy capitalist side of things. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if having things actually made me feel better, but as popular knowledge goes, it doesn't. It basically becomes emptying my wallet chasing empty happiness through things. 

I must have very bad anxiety indeed objectively speaking if it can plunge me into depression and a dark place so easily and so often in my day to day life. Sigh. I'm wary about therapy now because of the negative experience I had with my last therapist. I'll get over it in time, and try again.