ramble

have you ever noticed that things that once were, are no longer? that the things once cared for most, no longer seem to mattter? but totally the opposite when speaking about people? have you ever wondered where life were taking you? where your going in life and how your going to get there? have you ever wondered why things are the way they are? thinks like why did i admit myself to a hospital? why was i diagnosed? why was i one of the unlucky ones to get an illness? why was i born? why am i here? how do i get through? these are all questions that id like answers to. though i admitted myself to the hospital back in may, and it was a good choice. but why was i given the diagnosis, the illness? why is it that people dont udnerstnad? that some people dont WANT to understand?
 
im just going through and overwhelming stage right now. not so much with my illness, but with life itsself. i work, two jobs. babysitting and subway. full time, so days off are kind of rare. but then im trying to get back into school to do online courses to finish my college diploma. but then, here i am today laying in bed home sick. was baby sitting, and then came home early.
 
but what about the friends i used to have? where are they? some of them dont talk any more, others do but were not as close. i didnt do anything wrong, in most cases, no one is to blame, its just life. but why do i feel guilty that i dont talk to my old friends as much as used to? that i dont know what to say, or feel like there are so few people for me to really talk to about how i am feeling, about whats going on in my mind, i feel as though i am alone, in a sense, but i also have my boyfriend, and one of my really good friends. i have my sister. but i just feel like i dont knwo who to talk to, about certain things, you know? i just... i dont know.