Rainy Day Blues???
Woke up to a rainy day...tried to go back to sleep but Cassi wouldn't let me. Just memories, visions constantly running through my mind. Feeling sad...I have been on such an upward swing, I guess it's just part of the cycle. The weather has been so beautiful lately, sunny but not too hot, lower to mid 80's, perfect May weather. Today a cold front is making it's way through as well as scattered rain...my mother says she always feels a little more sad when the sun isn't shining...maybe there is something to it or maybe I am just missing my sweet Cassi.
For some reason I cant get her scars off of my mind. She was a cutter, very common in people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course it was extremely upsetting to me, but there was no way to stop her. Once she moved away to college I had even less control. When I saw shallow cuts, scars, she assured me it made her feel better. Why did I accept that??? But on the other hand, what could I do??? She was doing well in school, working, functioning...I thought she would grow out of it. Should I have forced her into a psychiatric hospital??? I worried about her future. She was so smart and so hard working, I didn't want her labeled. I fully expected her to eventually be very successful in life. There were two distinct sides to her...my sweet baby and then the other, the mental disorder, the monster. The monster took over so slowly...slowly, then suddenly. I've said before the last year was the worst and I am certain there is much, much more that I didn't know about. I never gave up hope but looking back...wow. There were times I threatened to have her hospitalized or even move her back home. She told me if I did she would commit suicide. She knew how to shut me up, to stop me in my tracks...so I let things be, worried a lot...prayed a lot. I know it's useless to dwell on the what ifs...there is nothing that can change the outcome, yet I do it, we all do it...so much potential wasted. A brand new degree, a job in her field, a new apartment...just so sad.
For some reason I cant get her scars off of my mind. She was a cutter, very common in people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course it was extremely upsetting to me, but there was no way to stop her. Once she moved away to college I had even less control. When I saw shallow cuts, scars, she assured me it made her feel better. Why did I accept that??? But on the other hand, what could I do??? She was doing well in school, working, functioning...I thought she would grow out of it. Should I have forced her into a psychiatric hospital??? I worried about her future. She was so smart and so hard working, I didn't want her labeled. I fully expected her to eventually be very successful in life. There were two distinct sides to her...my sweet baby and then the other, the mental disorder, the monster. The monster took over so slowly...slowly, then suddenly. I've said before the last year was the worst and I am certain there is much, much more that I didn't know about. I never gave up hope but looking back...wow. There were times I threatened to have her hospitalized or even move her back home. She told me if I did she would commit suicide. She knew how to shut me up, to stop me in my tracks...so I let things be, worried a lot...prayed a lot. I know it's useless to dwell on the what ifs...there is nothing that can change the outcome, yet I do it, we all do it...so much potential wasted. A brand new degree, a job in her field, a new apartment...just so sad.
Replies
That is just it, we had and have no control. No matter where she was, you had no control. You did all you could. She knew how to quiet you. All we want as mothers is happiness for our kids and parenting is new territory for everyone no matter how many children we have. They all have different personalities, so no one can tell what is right for who. Just keep the thoughts of \" could I have done more\" to a dull roar by the truth that you did what you were allowed to do. Fate is not in our hands Gina, you know that. We are riding a wave beyond our control. It is so obvious how much you love your Cassi. I want you to know what I know about who you are. You are salt to me. A light that keeps me from wallowing in myself. You are so much more than your grief. I love you and I am praying for you....a lot . Lauri
I remember a friend saying to me those exact words about my son, \"Such a waste.\" It hurt terribly to hear that because just years later she was sitting where I was and I knew that her son\'s life was not a waste, that it counted for something and that in this lifetime we just have no control over anyone\'s thoughts or actions. It is a helpless way to feel when we would have moved mountains to protect and keep our children zipped tightly in their earth suits. None of it will ever make sense or be okay, ever...
Dear Cassi just could not find the relief on this earth side that she sought just as my son could not. Mental illness and addiction totally wipe out the making sense out of anything and I remember in one of my first Al-Anon meetings one of the members stopping me and said: \"You are trying to make sense out of insanity and it just is not possible with the disease of addiction.\" I could not wrap my brain around any of it that he just couldn\'t stop just as Cassi could not stop her behaviors.
Yes, I go \"there\" too and the only thing that is different now is that I don\'t have to remain there as long. I was \"there\" for a very long time and no one could have told me not to be \"there\" as I needed every second of that time in that place of poking around in every crevice I could find.
The most gentle of care dear Gina on this rainy day and feeling your heart. Your love for Cassi as Lauri said is palpable and I just have to believe that our children know this in ways now we could never have imagined. They forgive us for our humanness and our work becomes learning how to give that same forgiveness to ourselves.
With love,
XO Joanie
Oh my dear.
I am always down when the sun isn\'t shining. It really does make a difference. And this journey is a series of ups and downs - I have learned to enjoy the good times, know the bad times will not last forever.
It is so very sad. Cassi had such potential. You did all you could. The illness did take over and I suspect there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome. As I understand, people with Personality Disorder are very bright and good manipulators. I know her intention though, was not to hurt you. So I really doubt there was any more you could have done. She would have manipulated her caregivers.
Take care of yourself.
Loving hugs,
Marlene
Don\'t think for one moment that any \"peace\" you experience will not be broken by what you are describing for some time, I don\'t know how long that is, because three plus years, it still happens to me. I don\'t say this to discourage you, I say this because what you are thinking and feeling is NORMAL and HEALTHY and does not mean a damned thing except that you lost your only daughter, the most precious person in the world, and you are struggling through it.
First: you could NOT have your daughter institutionalized against her will. Once a child is 18, they are considered an \"adult\". In order to have that child psychiatrically hospitalized, you must PROVE that this person is a clear and present danger to herself or others and proving that is very, very hard since hospital ERs are extremely slow to hospitalize someone for psychiatric issues unless the need is CLEAR (as in: when my daughter overdosed on Klonipin). In order to be in control legally in a manner that allows you to hospitalize your child over age 18, you need to find an attorney and approach the court with clear reasons. This is expensive and often non-productive. Courts are quite reluctant to give such \"legal guardianship\" over to anyone except a psychiatric facility. You could not have hospitalized her. Further, even if you could have, it wouldn\'t have helped her. I know from firsthand experience. A person suffering from severe mental illness or emotional dysfunction MUST acknowledge the situation and MUST be willing to seek help.
This has nothing to do with the weather. It is the ebb and flow of a journey none of us wants to be on. My daughter lived with me and I lost control. She was never able to go \"out on her own\" and most likely would never have been able, according to the hospital\'s psychiatrist. Ultimately, we have no control at all over anything at all, including OUR lives. My family Dr., who is at this point also a dear friend, told me his kids are \"out there\" and it\'s terrifying. His daughter is living in Jerusalem and there was a bomb on a bus route she takes every day! He has no control.
My daughter was an adult even though her illness really affected her mental capabilities and pretty much rendered her about twelve years old at the end. I wanted to afford her the respect of a young adult while all the time KNOWING she was ONLY a young adult chronologically. You had no control. You could not have taken her to an age where she would be ok, I used to think that also. You have no responsibility. These are the things we learn when we hear them, over and over again, from people we trust, from our therapists, from our psychiatrists, and ultimately from ourselves. It takes time to get to that place Gina. You are always in my prayers.
Sad, it is!! I have had to accept the fact that I have no control over what my daughter does or doesn\'t do. Hell, I have no real control over anything!!! My daughter is bi-polar, a recovering addict and alcoholic. She had the world by the tail. Pretty, good job, new car, nice home and one day drugs came to call and I lost her. She has been away from me for over eight years. She is clean and sover now, for 18 months. I am so happy, but know if she relapses again, it is out of my control.
Take comfort in the knowledge that your daughter knew you loved her. Nothing was your fault!!!
((((HUGS))))....Julia
It is so very sad. Each of our children had potential I think that is one of the hardest parts of all of this... We knew what could be ahead. So we grieve their past, present and future. And ours as well. You are learning the emotional cycles of grieving... You will make it. Love and gentle hugs...Karen