RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY!
GOOD GRIEF!!!! Rain and more rain. I am sick of it. The sun came out a bit this afternoon but it was so windy you couldn't really stay out in it. The floods around here are getting serious! I am on high ground but so many are having a pretty rough time of it. I am still struggling. I keep thinking about when I found Scott. You know how when you wake up and stare at the ceiling for a minute or two before you get up?....That is the way he was when I found him. I wonder, now, if he layed there, looking up, unable to move or call for help, feeling himself die. I hate myself for not going in earlier! Apparently he died about 4:30 p.m. I was just sitting in the living room at that time waiting until 5:30 p.m. to wake him up. How did I not feel it?!?!?!? And maybe I did because before then when Craig and I were in the pool I told him I felt his Mom's presence. She passed away summer-2006. And we also talked about an old landlord I had who had lost 2 of their children. I almost opened the door at 4:00 p.m. I will NEVER forgive myself! I always thought I would feel my children in danger and always thought I would do whatever I could to save them. This SUCKS! How do I get past it?!?!? Okay...Whew....very emotional. During the middle of this journal writing, Chris called. That was a good intervention. It was just a chatty call. He had some time to talk and used it to call me. What a blessing Chris and Adam are to me! Adam was going fishing this eve which has scared me due to the high water...I am getting a bit concerned. Craig wants to take Adam to the MO-KAN races on Sat. I hope Adam will go, although it will be quite cool. Craig and Adam need to do things together and I won't mind having the house to myself for a few hours. See....I feel crazy about that, too. I am so afraid of losing another son or loved one and yet I want time for myself. On one hand I want no one to leave when they don't have to and yet on the other, I want the time. Am I losing my mind? No.....it was lost several months ago, I think. Lord, help me.
Replies
You aren\'t losing your mind. It\'s normal for any Mom to want her children safe. We worry thats what Mom\'s do. Have you tried seeing a counselor for your issues surrounding Scott\'s death? Just a suggestion but what you describe sounds like a professional would be able to assist you. Some alone time can be good but sometimes not. Try to prepare somethings for you to do, to keep busy, me things for yourself. This way your mind stays focused on certain things. Take Care Of U...Love and Hugs.
You would have lost your mind a long time ago if it were going to happenan. Just seems like it somedays. I know all too well the anxiety that accompanies the fear in losing another child. I don\'t rest until everyone is home under lock and key each night. I fear the day my kids move out. Hopefully by then I will have calmed down. Please don\'t second guess what you could have done about Scott. What if you would have found him and then he was revived only to have lasting long term adverse affects. There is always this scenario in our minds that we think would have made the difference but we just don\'t if it would or wouldn\'t have helped. It\'s tose darn \"what if\'s\". \"What if\" it was really his time to go? Ginger we can\'t second guess ourselves. We just have to love and miss them and hope and pray that we can still find some joy in our lives until we reunite with our precious sons. Thinking of you friend. Love Robin
You are so normal. You don\'t want to lose anyone else. Your behavior is so normal. I hope it stops raining soon so you get a chance to get out and go for a walk or just enjoy being outside again. I know when it rains I become super depressed. It is as if God is crying.
Be good to yourself.
Dont blame yourself for one moment about not going ang checking. If we sit and think of the what ifs and if onlys we WILL go mad. I find myself doing the same and I have to say out loud DONT EVEN GO THERE! If there is a reason to these things it was meant to be and nothing could have changed it. I know its easier said than done too, thank goodness for this site to release our thoughts and make some sort sense of them. Love to you
You are not losing your mind, but it sure feels like it sometimes, I know. I held my breath eveyday after Jordan died, then I lost Nick. It just doesn\'t do any good to do that to yourself. I don\'t do it now, with Travis. I just can\'t. Now that I have my faith back, I know that they needed to be together. Too long of a story to write here. Do not blame yourself. I played that game for a long time, and it will just make you crazy. Why beat yourself up? I\'m hugging you tight in my thoughts, and praying for you. Please be gentle on yourself! Love ya, Barbara
I agree with all of the above, you are definitely not crazy, just a Mom. Please don\'t should on yourself, What ifs will drive you to the nut house and change nothing. Would it have made a difference, you will never know. I believe we have to accept their deaths as just is, nothing could change or prevent them. You did what any Mother would do and placing blame will serve no purpose. Be gentle with yourself, you have lived through a horrific experience and your very being is seriously wounded. Give your self time and permission to heal, emotionally and spiritually. When a Mom looses a child apart of her spirit dies as well and the wound takes a long time to heal. Be gentle and patient with your self. You are not to blame in anyway. Hold that tight. Love and hugs Cathy
I definitely can identify with the fear factor. You are just terrified for the remaining children I know. That is not crazy at all it is a normal worry for a Mom who has already experienced loss. My best wishes to you and your family.
Stop allowing yourself to go to the guilt thing. You did the best that you could do with what you knew. IF you knew you would have gone in...there is NO way you could have known...forgive yourself...when you start to go there say STOP! I love you and you are only guilty of loving your son unconditionally....Karen