RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY!

GOOD GRIEF!!!!  Rain and more rain.  I am sick of it.  The sun came out a bit this afternoon but it was so windy you couldn't really stay out in it.  The floods around here are getting serious!  I am on high ground but so many are having a pretty rough time of it.  I am still struggling.  I keep thinking about when I found Scott.  You know how when you wake up and stare at the ceiling for a minute or two before you get up?....That is the way he was when I found him.  I wonder, now, if he layed there, looking up, unable to move or call for help, feeling himself die.  I hate myself for not going in earlier!  Apparently he died about 4:30 p.m.  I was just sitting in the living room at that time waiting until 5:30 p.m. to wake him up.  How did I not feel it?!?!?!?  And maybe I did because before then when Craig and I were in the pool I told him I felt his Mom's presence.  She passed away summer-2006.  And we also talked about an old landlord I had who had lost 2 of their children.  I almost opened the door at 4:00 p.m.  I will NEVER forgive myself!  I always thought I would feel my children in danger and always thought I would do whatever I could to save them.  This SUCKS!  How do I get past it?!?!?  Okay...Whew....very emotional.  During the middle of this journal writing, Chris called.  That was a good intervention.  It was just a chatty call.  He had some time to talk and used it to call me.  What a blessing Chris and Adam are to me!  Adam was going fishing this eve which has scared me due to the high water...I am getting a bit concerned.  Craig wants to take Adam to the MO-KAN races on Sat.  I hope Adam will go, although it will be quite cool.  Craig and Adam need to do things together and I won't mind having the house to myself for a few hours.  See....I feel crazy about that, too.  I am so afraid of losing another son or loved one and yet I want time for myself.   On one hand I want no one to leave when they don't have to and yet on the other, I want the time.  Am I losing my mind?  No.....it was lost several months ago, I think.  Lord, help me.