Raging Pain
Raging Pain, white hot and black as night at the same time. Everyone failed Cassi...everyone, especially me. All I wanted for her was a normal healthy life. She was clinically depressed...but what all led up to it??? The mean girl who bullied her in school??? I feel like I could murder that child, now a young woman. It's the truth. In fact, I have a list as long as my arm. To different extents, like I said, everyone failed her. She never had a chance, and she deserved one. I want someone to hurt, I want someone to hate, other than myself...
Replies
Yes this pain is real each and every day. I understand how you feel. The doctors and nurses who really just watched as both the girls slipped away. I have such anger and now I get to see all the other CF people moving on with lives of such heights. It is amazing they are marrying, having children, running marathons and my girls were not given the time to do such normal things. It stinks for sure. I will always be numb from the loss of them.
Lets try to honor our girls and focus on some positive for them. I believe they want that for us. I am with you on this journey. Hugs, Kathy xoxo
Oh, Gina... I find it almost impossible to respond because there are no words that can touch this pain that you are feeling, I know this, yet words are all I have in this moment.
What I do know is that you are not alone and blaming is a way of numbing what is underneath it all as far as I can see it within myself. When the anger, rage, all of it that must be moved into again and again and felt with not quite the intensity of the inferno quiets down a bit what remains are the ashes of sadness.
I\'m angry, sad, questioning, blaming, wondering where I failed as well, yet in the end our children\'s paths were not up to us. Douglas and Cassi had their demons, yet they also were fiercely loved and if there were anything we could have done to alter this reality we would have. We could not because it was not ours to do, we\'re just not that powerful.
With you in the messiness of this all and caring~ Oh, how we wish we could turn back the hands of time and have another go of it. Not sure if anything would change but oh, how I\'d love another chance...
I am so sorry that you are hurting so deeply, dearest Gina. Please don\'t blame yourself, because you loved Cassi more than anybody else in this world! And you will keep on loving her always........! Sometimes words can sound so empty and meaningless compared to the hard, cruel reality. Cassi is surrounded by forever love now, and no-one will ever hurt her or let her down again!!
Gentle hugs to you, dearest Gina. xxx
Gina please oh please don\'t let the guilt take you down this road. After losing Wes I went down the very same road. It took me to a very very dark and scary place. It will eat you up and spit you out, it will not change a thing. Wes had his struggles and there was a time that I had to distance my heart for my own sanity at the time, oh how I regret it now! We talked about it and he understood, but if I let all of the should have, could haves run through my mind now it would destroy me and it will you to. I don\'t believe that Cassi would want this for you. Please hf please be gentle on yourself I know the place your in right now and truly wish I could take you by the hand and walk you through this, I am sending you tender hugs....Kathy
I think we all go down this path of blame and \"what ifs\", but we can only move forward as if we linger there it will take us to dark places. These feelings will lessen as time moves forward and we must not allow ourselves to linger there. Much love and understanding being sent your way. Katrina
I\'m so very sorry.
Oh Gina, I feel like if I could only have a do over .....but would things be different....I still feel that it was all my fault, but ultimately it was Shell\'s free will that had her get in the car with HIM....now we are left to pick up the pieces of our lives....but Cassi and Michele would not want us to give up and to live our lives to the fullest possible....they did not want to hurt us .....I hope this makes sense.....gretcho
Yes, there are these times of such intense pain and agony on this path, the need to blame someone, even ourselves. It takes a long time to get through this pain and I am hugging you with all of my heart.
Sending love,
Leda
Oh the pain....it\'s excruciating! I\'ve read that putting the anger, guilt & pain on paper is a better place, than to keep it buried deep inside. I believe that. For about 5 yrs after my sons passed away, I was numb. When my therapist encouraged me to journal then I noticed my feelings began to emerge. It was scary but in a strange way also healing. Gina let your feelings flow....all of them. I hope knowing you are not alone on this journey gives you the support you need. Many hugs of understanding sweet friend....Vicki
Gina, I hate to say it but your intense emotions are ok. How can you be any way but angry and acknowledge the guilt of a loving Mom. Many of us, myself included wish so very hard that WE had had the knowledge, strength, power, time, or foresight to prevent our children from dying. As our children grew into adults we as parents had to let go. Had to TRUST that our children were capable of making the right choices. That even when they did not, they knew enough to ask for help. Many do not, even as we Moms often don\'t ask for help. We are so fortunate to have this amazing group of women here who do not judge or condemn but rather truly understand and walk with us.
I hope that the child that hurt Cassi has to live with that. I hope she realizes what an impact she, as a brat, had on anothers life.
I am currently living in a state of never ending tears that, in a heart beat change to anger. Anger for all of the times in Jason\'s life that people he counted on, loved and trusted, treated him like shit. He didn\'t deserve half of the heartache he experienced. Especially watching his ex use his precious daughter as a pawn. That broke his heart. And he cried tears of helplessness.
I do not know what Cassi was thinking when her decision was made. I do believe, speaking as someone who entertained and in fact attempted suicide more than once as a teenager, that at my blackest moments I was not thinking of the people who loved me. Only that I had no other option.
I get the desire to hurt someone else. To have someone else hurt. Someone other than you. But we both know, it will not lessen our own pain and it\'s really not who we are, is it? I would love to have both Jason\'s biological father suffer more (more than he is knowing his son is dead) as well as my ex-husband who never, ever, acknowledged that this young boy needed to know he was loved and not an inconvenience. I get it. But it would not lessen my pain.
I will hold you in my heart. I am hugging you with my being and breathing for both of us right now.
hand in hand...
Merrilee
Sorry seems so inadequate but I truly am sorry for your pain. Here for you. Robin
If only we knew then what we know now. Tight hugs dear Gina. I wish there were words.xo
If only.....that road only goes downhill, but we sometimes need to walk it to begin going uphill again. I have gone down that road and do so sometimes but it is never helpful to me. All of those emotions are so normal and who wouldn\'t be angry? with others and I\'m often so angry with myself.
Gina, I only have words to let you know, I understand, I get it and I\'m so so sorry. ((((hugs))) Vicki
My daughter blames Mike\'s girlfriend for his death. She did not have anything to do with it, but Alyssa\'s need to blame has fallen on Tara. Alyssa is not involved with her nephew\'s life because of this, which her loss. I refuse to exclude Tara and the kids from my life. Little Mikie is my only link to my son and therefore he is a must in my life. I understand you have a different senerio because Cassi did not have children. I do understand the blame game, my daughters anger has made her life very sad. Last night when she dropped the girls off with me, she was crying about how unhappy her life is. I believe she has an unhappy life because she always choses the wrong man for her life and the anger about losing her brother.
I just want you to know you are not along in this angry world we live in.
Tight hugs
Penny
There are no words, that will stop your pain. Just know that you are not alone and Cassi\'s spirit is with you all the time. Oh, how I wish I knew how to help you!!! I am so sorry, Gina...
(((((HUGS))))), Julia