Rant...?
so its 4 in the morning...i cant sleep. i also have been having dreams about me dying in different ways, or me being in the hospital for the past week or so. oddly enough i love these dreams...the worst part about them is waking up to find out that i am really not dead. also i have been trying to kill myself for a couple of days. except everytime that i get close enough i chicken out. i just cant seem to do it. i know that if i keep trying ill eventually suceed. cant wait till then to tell you the truth...another thing, if all that isnt awesome enough, today i went to a hospital that i have been to for suicidal stuff. i wasnt there for me, my friend had an appointment there. but that just reminded me of everything that i have already gone through, and how much i actually miss the hospital....i wanna go back but i know i cant...yay for me right?.....yeah....i feel so fucking lost right now...im fucking scared as hell of my future, of everything it envolves...going to more school...getting a job...living by myself or for myself...i cant see myself doing it....its not that normal teenage fear or anything....i really cannot see myself in a year or so...hopefully i will be dead by then....everytime i am on a bridge i want it to collapse...or if im in a car i wanna get into an accident...things like that...my sleep has totally changed...one day ill sleep 15 hours, the next, i wont sleep at all. sometimes i stay up will like 7 in the morning and sleep till 7 at night...its all fucked up...my eating has changed as well....i either dont eat much at all or i pig out...ugh im disgusting...anyways....fortunatly everyone around me thinks i am getting better...i dont tell them when i am depressed anymore so it looks that way...i only let myself cry when im alone...i am also so frustrated...i am confused on my gender...confused about my relashionship with my girlfriend...confused about what i want to do about college...confused about myself in sooooo many other ways...i just dont give a fuck anymore...screw it...itll be over soon hopefully...i just dont know what to do anymore...i dont even know why i am typing this....i just want to be locked away and be forgotten or just die...if you managed to read all of that then kudos to you...
Replies
I\'m glad you were able to share this. I hope you will talk to your therapist or a counselor about this as well. Please read the message I sent you,
I would not call that a rant, rather some thoughts you have about yourself. I have no gender issues,and thought much the same things about myself as you are thinking about you. I found ways to change how I thought about me.
I have a half dozen ways to kill myself in a manner that will take some time to implement, and at the same time a way which may not be automatically labled suicide. I never tried it because among all my fears is one that those religious nuts may be right, and I will end up in some place that is eally bad forever.
Is it a possibility you wanted to go back to the hospital because you felt safe there and you knew no one was going to be able to get to you physically or emotionally. Maybe the drugs were good too. They have some very good feeling drugs around hospitals.
Allow me to tell you a very short story. You are standing alone next to a railroad. A long train pulls up, the engineer gets out, disconnects the locomotive, walks to you and says, here is your assigment. You have to eat everything being carried on this train. He then boards the locomotive and leaves.
One cannot eat a train load of food in one sitting. But eating a little at a time, like three meals a day, day after day after day, one will eventually consume the whole thing.
Life is the same way. We only need to live it a moment at a time. I try to live in today. I judge myself only based on what I have done so far today. If I have helped someone else unconditionally,helped myself in some way, and have not hurt myself, I have done enough to call it a good day. When I have had a string of good days, it is very hard for me to believe as am as bad as I once thought. I chose to make shorter range goals. For instance, I figured out my self esteem sucked. I made a long term goal to improve it. Day one, my goal was to go to the library and see if they had books on self esteem. Day two, my goal was to go to the library, glance through the books, and try to find one that might work. Day three my goal was to check out the book, and take it home. Etc. After enough time I had read a bunch of books and had quite a few ideas on how to improve my feelings about myself. I go there by making simple goals for each day and being satisfied by achieveing those little steps. Somewherea long the way I found a saying which I still find helpful. \"When it is hard by the yard, it may be a cinch by the inch.\"
Feel free to message me. I might have some ideas about your gender issues. For now, I will just say that every human being has body parts that when touched by anyone can produce very good feelings. I think everyone is born bi but is forced to act like one sex or the other by the contrived constraints developed by a very up tight society. I thought I was gay until I was fourteen and met a young woman a couple of years older than me and centuries ahead of me in experience. After being with her a few times I totally lost interest in same sex relationships and became totally hetero. I needed more experiences of more variety than I had before I could really judge which sex I wanted to be. Tennis Hall of Famer, Martina Navratalova was one of the first major tennis stars to come out of the closet. I heard her say \'It was hard for me because I love having sex with a man, however, it is the other 23 hours a I would have to be with him that I couldn\'t stand.\"
I don\'t know if you have been sexual with anyhone yet. Just be very careful and remember, the decision you make today can be changed tomorrow. You can change any time. No one likes change. It takes courage to change. We all wait till we have no other option before doing it.
I judged myself without mercy. Life got better when I cut myself a little lack and \'dared to be average.\"
We all love you.
Crusty Jim