Quick vent..

My mother has not spoken to or made eye contact with me in almost a week..

This is not uncommon, though. You see, whenever we have a heated argument, she will hold a grudge. There has been times where we didn't speak for a month. A MONTH! Btw, our house is not that big so we pass by each other various times throughout the day. This is how she is, and I have accepted that she will never change. As far as why we are not on speaking terms, this is what happened:

I decided that it would be a good idea to spend the weekend with my my mother's cousin and take a break from the stress of school. She has a nice fire pit, and typically we will have a couple of beers and hang out, which is relaxing to me. My mother didn't come because she had plans, which I was secretly relieved about. I don't like drinking with or being around my mother when she drinks. Everyone I know loves her when she drinks, except me. I think that is because I hold a lot of animosity towards her from my teen years when all she did was drink, but that will be another post. So I went to my cousin's. It was raining, so we stood inside and drank. I was having a pretty good time. Then I got a text message from my little sister telling me that a friend of mine, who I have not spoken to in almost a year, and whose phone calls I have been ignoring, called my house, and my mother picked up the phone. She told me that they were talking, and my mother was telling him that I was overdramatic and basically telling him my business. I pretty much lost it. Then my mother texted me and told me that my friend called, that he misses me and wants to have a Halloween party. I asked her why she picked up the phone, and she responded with "He's an old man feel bad for the guy". I basically flipped out on her and she called me nasty. We haven't spoken since. She believes she did nothing wrong. Before I go any further, let me give you a back story of who this friend is and why I refuse to speak to him.

In 2006, I got my first real job. I was really shy and nervous about meeting new people, so the first couple of days were nerve wracking. Back then I was a smoker (four years clean), so one day I went on a smoke break, and an older guy who worked stock came outside and introduced himself. He was an older guy, late 50's. He was really friendly and didn't give me that creeper vibe. We talked on our break, and I mentioned that I had a girlfriend. He then told me that he was gay, and it made sense why I didn't get a weird vibe from him. Then he told me that he lived around the corner from the store, and that if I ever wanted to come over and have a couple drinks, it would be cool. Apparently he would have parties from time to time and people from work would go over. I thanked him and told him that I would definitely come over and bring my girlfriend. Eventually I did, and despite our large age gap, he became one of my dearest friends.

The thing with this guy is that I slowly came to realize that he was an alcoholic. I don't want to go into detail with that because I want to save it for a future post, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I had been his friend for over 9 years, and his behavior became normal to me. Most of the reason why I stayed friends with him despite his behavior was because I genuinely loved him and knew that I was really the only real friend he had left. Unfortuntely I had to face the fact that he was toxic and inevitably a trigger. And my mother knows him, met him, hung out with him. She knows that he is an alcoholic, and the thing is, she was totally okay with me hanging out with him. And now that I am not friends with him, she is trying to convince me to talk to him again. I don't understand it. My father HATED that I was friends with him and was relieved when I told him that I ended the friendship. 

I just don't understand. Her and I have had issues for a very long time, and I just don't understand why she does the things she does. She is not affectionate. She is not loving. She is not easy to talk to. She is stubborn. She never takes responsbility for anything she does wrong. She never apologizes. She never says that she loves me. How can this be my mother? How can I come from someone that I don't even feel a connection with? 

I know she will never be the mother I want and need, but I just wish she would stay out my business. She wasn't there for me when I needed a mother, and now that I am an adult and capable of making my own decisons, she feels like she can make them for me. 

It would have been easier and made more sense if I was adopted..