Questions, part 2
I have to let off a load. I have taken most of this week off from work to help get my head on straight. All of my co-workers have been supportive in my decision to do so. I've been trying to keep myself occupied, not thinking whole-heartedly about the affair. But days like today make that impossible. Yesterday, I had compiled a list of questions that I intend to ask my H about the A, some very deep questions and some detail oriented. One of those questions was whether he feels threatened that I may try to take out revenge by having an affair myself. (The answer is a definite no!) I wasn't 100% positive of when I intended to ask these questions, just knowing that it would be soon, and hopefully propelling me into a good night's sleep instead of filling my nightmares with the unknown. Today, I decided to make him a nice lunch and get dressed up really pretty and take his lunch to work, knowing that it's not something I normally do. To my surprise, instead of commenting on how nice I looked, or thanking me for the lunch, he automatically asked me who I was getting dressed up for. I said for him, but he didn't seem to believe it, making snide comments about looking pretty for the other guys around town and his co-workers. That's when i decided that tonight will be the night I ask him my list of questions, including the one mentioned above. I am hoping that my free-flowing honesty between the both of us, both of our fears can be alayed. I am nervous--some of these questions I do fear the answers to. But I fear the unknown even more. I know that many women would not want to know all the answers, but that's not my nature. I have to know. It is one of my steps to healing, to moving past it, to rebuild. To break down the walls. I have to know exactly how the A was initiated, how it ended, how many times and where did they make love, where did they share their first kiss, what was the context of their late night phone conversations, give me some examples of the text messages, where did he take her, what gifts did he buy her... And maybe more importantly, did he ever at anytime feel guilty or worry about the repercussions, what does he intend on telling our kids when they are grown and facing infidelity, did he ever picture her as a step-mother to our children, did he ever consider getting her pregnant and that another woman could be carrying his child and producing a half-sibling for our children... There are many more questions. I've actually compiled 50, so it's doubtful we will cover them all tonight. Pray for me.
Replies
Hope it goes well. Sounds like he\'s a real jerk. Once a cheater, always a cheater in my opinion! He didn\'t even say thanks for the lunch...or gosh, you look nice. Kick his lame ass to the curb.
I would try to ask a few at a time darling..tell him you have 50 but remember its hard to hear the answers..I allready knoiw i never want to go to the cinema with him again :( Even though you need to know the answers, give yourself time to grieve when you get them(((((((((hugs))))))) Thinking of you and hoping you get what you need xx
Thanks, guys. I\'m going to test it and see how it goes. That\'s one of the reasons I am choosing to do it today--I am off work for the rest of the week, which means I\'ll have some time at home alone this week to grieve. And yes, I am pissed that he couldn\'t even acknowledge what I\'d done for him today!
I have to say I\'m impressed! I found out about my H\'s A a month ago (from tomorrow) and I already know everything!! I obsessed and couldn\'t stop asking questions....I think every night for three weeks I had a few new questions. I definitely agree that you should do a few at a time. I don\'t know that I could have handled that much DISGUSTING information at once. It\'s hard. Brace yourself girl, and good luck!!!
You got all dolled up and he had nothing nice to say?? Plus he\'s had an affair on top of it? YUCK!!!!! Stop being a doormat. You deserve so much better.
I agree... I need to know everything too. I\'ve been asking a little at a time and that seems to work cuz at some point he\'ll get overwhelmed and won\'t want to continue answering. Sucky, but true. Just be aware that you may not get answers to everything. I get \"I don\'t know\" sometimes. And I would tell him how it hurt you that he didn\'t thank you for getting dressed up and bringing him lunch. His guilty conscious probably made him think \"why would she do this for me since I cheated on her?\" Lots of hugs and support to you.
Hi Heartbroken, I understand completely your need to know the answers to all your questions. I did the same thing with the prompting of our couple\'s therapist. But what I was not expecting was that even when he promised to be committed to saving our relationship, the answers he gave me and the therapist about the affair were all half truths still. There were so many omissions to the whole affair so please bear in mind that your H in all likelihood will not be completely honest with you eitehr. If he has been dishonest with you by having this affair, then you already know that he is obviously someone who cannot be trusted because he lies. So take his answers with a grain of salt and do not be surprised if he turns this on you and make you \"partly\" responsible for his affair. NOT true. His affair is HIS stuff. Don\'t fall for that lie. I wish you the best tonight. Deep breaths and be strong.
From my experience, the husband feels very uncomfortable answering these questions because it reminds him of his guilt and what pain he caused. But you know what? To bad. Be sure you start off by explaining the importance of moving past the affair and part of healing is answering the tough questions and only he can help you with this. I hope he doesnt get upset and does give you what it is that you need. Also let him know that there will be more to come later on down the line...trust me there will be.