Quiet

Nothing much happening today, I'm taking it easy. I did spend all day yesterday finishing my proposal for my Research Design course. I haven't spent the time to formulate anything yet, conclusively.  It looks like I am troubled by this shyness/sensitiveness thing more than I had previously thought. On a paper on Jung's work about Introversion and sensitiveness, he was very specific about their oversensitivity to their environment, how these types are very thorough in all the information they input, why it takes them so long to act. It is also inborn/genetic. 20% of the population, not only in the human species but also the other species.  This oversensitivity causes a great deal, of stress, anxiety, depression, and a susceptability to substance abuse. My temperament as an Introvert/intuitive type makes me a certain candidate, as does the fact that I'm a recovering alcoholic and taking anti-depressants. This over-sensitiviveness may have been the problem all along. The thoroughness is also another tell-tale characteristic.  I will have to review my past a little, but I have a suspicion that quick and demanding changes at work, surprizes, and deadlines have been a source of stress for me. I also suspect that my shyness is about fear of having to prevent myself from becoming overstimulated. This is the part where the stress of trying to adapt to changes in my immediate environment subjectively (according to all my feelings) can overwhelm my logic and language side of my brain; the "stop and pause" characteristic so typical of introverts. It's also noteworthy that most of our society is extraverted and consider introversion and shyness to be faults and undesirable features, especially for men.  It could be this is where my co-dependency comes in: trying to be someone, or something, I'm not capable of becoming. It makes sense so far. At least I have something to work on; awareness of being overstimulated, in new and novel situations, especially in work.  My strength is in thoroughness, not speed. It also explains why I'm not a good risk-taker; I need/prefer the time to process the whole situation. This also explains my slow-to-warm characteristic, where I can later be more extraverted once I have processed all my new environment's potential threats and 'dangers' (real or imagined). That's what these people like me do, they are good at picking up on subtleties, and more so about threats. It creates more stress for them, and they are more likely to be pessimistic. The constant stress makes them more susceptable to relieving their stress with alcohol which depresses the central nervous system, increasing dopamine, and thereby feeling less stressed.  What I'm saying is that I have to fight my natural urges for overstimulation in order to feel 'normal'. But I'm not normal. I need to become more vocal to myself and others about what bothers me and what I can do and not do easily, or as easily as most people. That I do not like too much excitement, surprizes, or sudden changes. I see it as a handicap, but not as a victim. I need to accept it as part of who I am and learn to deal with it more effectively. And to stop trying to change into someone I'm not meant to be. To find my place based on who I am, not who I should, could, or would be if I weren't me. I'll take some more time to think this through (It's what I do) to see how accurate it feels. It is not neccessarily the one and only answer. It does feel promising based on my initial feelings about my past. Even my present. I'll let it continue to unfold on it's own.  In the meantime the sun has come out and it's been a nice and quiet day. Even had a nap earlier. Have a good week. This feels better.  And so it continues... Rich