Pushing People Away
I know that my anger and negativity push people away. I keep a lot of it hidden in real time but not always. My tdoc has seen it as well as a few others. Tdoc has probably seen it more and DS has seen a lot of it. I wish it wasn't in me. I know I can hide it but then I just feel all the worse because I am hiding the ugly part of me and I am ashamed.
I don't know if I expect to be embraced when I show the angry part. I don't know why I am hurt by the reaction I get. The reaction is subtle but I see it. It hurts me but what do I expect???
I don't know if I expect to be embraced when I show the angry part. I don't know why I am hurt by the reaction I get. The reaction is subtle but I see it. It hurts me but what do I expect???
Replies
I admire your courage in showing your negativity, since I show very little of my own (I think!), and I have plenty. Your last bout of negativity happened to coincide with mine, so if you caught any bad vibe off me I apologize.
Thanks Lilly :-)
No, Donna, it wasn\'t you. The first was my tdoc. I get snarky with him, The poor guy catches my rage some days. I could tell he suddenly went into validation and calming mode. That pisses me off more because I see it as insincere. Then I sent him an email accusing him of accusing me of being resistive to treatment and threatened to send him a pic of my stuck out tongue lined with tiny seroquel pills to prove I was taking my meds. It got ugly. Online I just notice some keep their distance and that is fine. I get in lashing out moods and I truly don\'t want to hurt anyone yet I want to hurt everyone. :-(
I can\'t speak for your doctor, but from my perspective, your lashing out has \"hurt little girl\" written all over it. What can you do with such a child? You can only wish to soothe her and comfort her. There\'s nothing wrong with that, on either side of the equation.
Cecil, does your therapist ever suggest you do things to release your anger in safe ways? Based on your past you have every right to be angry and burying it during the day and only releasing it when pushed doesn\'t sound healthy. For you or anyone around you.
The most therapeutic thing I did to release anger was I got a body size pillow and drew a face on it representing the abuser. It also had a neck because I HAD to strangle it over and over. I punched that pillow, kicked it, stomped on it and threw it up against the wall.
I can imagine that it seems like nothing works to release the anger but if you keep doing it as often as possible it will help. Keeping it inside and blowing up every so often isn\'t working. Shame on your therapist if he has not suggested ways for you to release your anger safely. And if he has suggested it and you have tried...keep doing it because it takes a long time to release it all.
As DW says, hug and comfort those inner children. A little self love can go a long way.
((Hugs))
Hey Lucky,
I used to throw things just to see them break, I\'m not sure that expressing my anger by punching a pillow or something like that would work for me. Physical displays of anger always scared me. I associate it with being out of control. I am not saying that punching a pillow is a lack of control, it just might not be for me.
It may not be for you. I hate to punch. I also endured physical abuse so anger terrifies me. In my mind \'anger kills\' (I literally saw anger kill) so I prevented myself from feeling it my entire life. But....I know I need to get it out of me or it will eat me alive. So....I punch. And I do it safely by punching a punching bag. I have to force myself to do it but it is working.
It\'s so important you get it out of you even if it is uncomfortable to do so. Someone somewhere once said \"the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results\". I am not saying you are insane but I do think you need to do something different. What you are doing now is not working.