purgatory
I'm in purgatory, trapped in my sister's picture perfect life. I went to church with her yesterday and was so pissed I walked out. I've spent my entire life believing in this God that they speak about but I'm not able to feel him in my life right now. I spent the entire service fighting back angry tears.
My sister is indifferent. It hurts. She is one of the three people most precious to me in this world. But we have grown apart. We sit together and I search for something to talk about. We don't have common interests anymore and she is the most emotionally detached person I know. That's ironic because she has the widest circle of friends of anyone I know and has multiple lifelong friendships which seem to be mutually supportive. But to me, her sister, she is a stranger. One I think I should be close to, but really am not.
My son has stopped emailing. That hurts too. He's been attached to my hip for 15 years. I would think that he would miss my presence in his life. Apparently he doesn't.
I've never really understood people. Spent my life trying to give to them, never was able to get from them what I need. I've always said that something inside me is broken, that thing that fosters connection and mutuality.
So ready to go home. There's nothing waiting for me there, even the fridge is empty. I packed up everything before I left, knowing I may never return. Now I'm ready to return. There's nothing for me here, I figure if I'm going to be miserable I might as well do it in my own nest, it's what is familiar to me.
It's an interesting thing the loss of hope.
My sister is indifferent. It hurts. She is one of the three people most precious to me in this world. But we have grown apart. We sit together and I search for something to talk about. We don't have common interests anymore and she is the most emotionally detached person I know. That's ironic because she has the widest circle of friends of anyone I know and has multiple lifelong friendships which seem to be mutually supportive. But to me, her sister, she is a stranger. One I think I should be close to, but really am not.
My son has stopped emailing. That hurts too. He's been attached to my hip for 15 years. I would think that he would miss my presence in his life. Apparently he doesn't.
I've never really understood people. Spent my life trying to give to them, never was able to get from them what I need. I've always said that something inside me is broken, that thing that fosters connection and mutuality.
So ready to go home. There's nothing waiting for me there, even the fridge is empty. I packed up everything before I left, knowing I may never return. Now I'm ready to return. There's nothing for me here, I figure if I'm going to be miserable I might as well do it in my own nest, it's what is familiar to me.
It's an interesting thing the loss of hope.
Replies
Dearest DC Sister.... I relate to what you are experiencing completely. I miss my son and grandsons dearly. My son judges even his mother based on materials gained in life. He conveniently forgot I worked very hard and raised him alone with an excellent lifestyle. I am nothing to him presently. It hurts, I know...
I have learned to accept my own family doesn\'t want much to do with me, now that I no longer am the successful career Wall Street Executive
Thank Gid for my sisters and brother here at DC. I also am grateful for this time to go within myself and have finally learned to love myself unconditionally. Sometimes I feel this is exactly what God wants of me. I never lived myself truly. I was always present for others.
Please don\'t take your sister\'s behavior personal, I am sure she and your son love you and just can\'t express it properly at this time. I know my son loves me. However he is incapable of truly loving because he hasn\'t learned to love himself yet.
I feel your distress and praying for you to know how Incredibly wonderful you truly are without others confirmation. CFS can be a very lonely journey at times, however the Heart is stronger than the mind that keeps thinking of victimization.
Sending you much LOVE & PRAYERS dear Soul Sister
Gentle Hugs
Debra
Hi, Max. The dark night of the soul is one of the most confounding things that can happen to us. God feels distant and silent. Our pain is so intense and we can\'t seem to find the One who has pledged to walk with us in that pain. I have been there. I know the feeling well. But, if I can provide some level of hope, let me say that I have found that eventually the sense of the presence of God returns, at least for a few moments at a time. I don\'t know what kind of service it was that you attended, but sometimes I leave feeling angry if I feel like they were focused only on victory and not the journey. Being in a service like that makes me feel worse because I feel like they don\'t understand what I am experiencing. So, for that reason, I\'ve found some new friends who understand a journey theology as opposed to a destination theology. It is so hard when those closest to us don\'t get it. I can share that feeling with you as well. Hold tight. You are in my prayers. Keep your eyes open. The Divine has a way of breaking through when we least expect it. Much love. Heather.
I\'m feeling for you.Really feeling your hearts pain as I read your journal . I\'m a mess right now.Falling to pieces.Overloaded.I will be back for you as soon as I can.Forgive me for not being able to help right now.My sincere love to you.xo
Max, let me start off by saying I love your picture, you are so pretty. I am a very spiritual person & spend a lot of time reading my bible & meditating on what I have learned. James 4:8 says to draw close to Jehovah & he will draw close to you. Turn your anxieties over to God & he will help you. I am sorry that your sister is not a very compassionate person but that is hers to deal with & you must not take on her problems as your problem. She probably does love you dearly & just can\'t show it. Your son is starting out on his own life, this is what we raise them to do. I remember being that age, oh so long ago. I knew where my parents were & knew where my safety was but I loved being out in the world on my own. I knew if I needed help where to go for that help, home. I have to say I wasn\'t always good at keeping in contact with my parents but I loved them dearly as I am sure your son loves you.
Hang in there Max, it is a big decision to make, whether to stay where you are or go back home. It is not one you want to make quickly nor with the wrong frame of mind. Use your God given intelligence to make your decision. I hope that whatever you decide you will be happy. You are in my thoughts & prayer. Remember that we here at DS are behind you & want the best for you. You are my friend & like your sister you draw people to you & they care about you. I may be miles away but I am here for you. Gentle hugs, Denise
I\'m not well enough to read your other friend\'s comments, Max, but I can imagine that these wonderful efolks are feeling your pain, as I am.
I\'m so sorry about your sister. I never had a sister. I had two brothers. I think that\'s why my g/friends mean so much to me. Anyway, I don\'t know how one becomes detached from a sibling. I don\'t understand why she chose this path. Was it because you were ill? I\'m sure you have spoken to her about this pain that is a result of her behavior? I hope so. Sometimes, we have to speak up Max. If you don\'t tell your sister she is hurting you, she honestly may not know. I would talk to her.
And your son. No clue there either. Usually, sons stick pretty close to mom. I have a daughter. She and I are at odds a lot! Hormones, I guess. I\'m just so sorry that you are feeling distanced from the people you love, when you need them so much. I iunderstand the lonely feeling that comes from feeling a child has walked away from you. I\'m wondering if his distancing is related to your illness as well.
My heart gos out to you, Max. You are a wonderful, smart woman. Unfortunately, when we are ill, chronically ill, we truly need those around us to love us, extra special. For them to walk in the opposite direction is just about impossible for us to deal with. Yet, we do.
God bless you, Max, and comfort you....and bring the people into your life that will bring blessing and healing along with them! xo