Pure venting: Warning: bad language and lots of hate enclosed

I just had what I like to call an “OCD fit.” I’ve developed a strong case of OCD living here at home. I think its b/c of 2 reasons- one is that there is a very small amount of space and I start to feel claustrophobic if there is too much clutter. But the main reason I think is b/c there are HUGE things happening in my life recently that I have absolutely no control over so I’m over compensating by exercising ridiculous amounts of control over little things. In the middle of my fit the reason for today’s fit came to me- Chrissy.
Chrissy would be my ex so called best friend. We stopped speaking about a month ago. I wrote all about it. I’m not over it at all. Not even a little. I fucking loathe her. And even more then I loathe her I loathe myself for letting her do what she did to me. I was that bitch’s punching bag/doormat for as long as I can remember and I just stayed there and let her do it. I always have. She’s self-centered, horrible, selfish, snobby, dismissive, abusive- horribly abusive, hypocritical, overly critical of anyone that isn’t her, judgmental, etc. I’m sure there’s more- ah yes- the number one word that describes this c**t (and I don’t EVER use that term)- Delusional! That bitch wouldn’t know reality if it bit her in her 100 pound selfish ass. Stupid fucking whore! She beat the hell out of me with a huge fucking smile on her face for YEARS. YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I let it happen! I let it fucking happen!!!!!!!!! How the fuck could I do that to myself. How? Why didn’t I tell her to fuck off? WHY???? I don’t understand how I could be so stupid. I just don’t fucking get it at all. And she isn’t the only one- she did it on a WAAAAY higher level then anyone else ever did- but she’s not the only one. I wish I could say she was. But there were others that just treated me like I was absolutely nothing, less than nothing, and walked away unscathed- unaffected. J would be one of them. He just walked away effortlessly from my life. Effortlessly. He thought nothing of getting me to trust him and believe him and then just abandoned me- effortlessly. That’s the hardest part. It wasn’t hard for him. As I typed that my eyes swelled up with tears. That’s it. It’s that its not hard for people like Chrissy or J- they just walk away from people like me and laugh about it. Where’s the justice in that? How fucking horribly unfair. I want both of them to feel pain- lots of it. I know that out loud I say I wish them the best- and I meant it when I said it. But for real- I just want them to hurt- really really really really really really really really really fucking bad. I want everyday of their’s to be filled with self doubt and self loathing like mine is. I want nothing to be good in their lives EVER!!!!! I want fucking revenge! I want it more than I’ve ever wanted anything. Ever. I want everyone they love to leave them. But I don’t want them to expect it. I want it to just be unsuspected- like I want them to feel fucking great and content and I want it to be ripped from them- and I want the person that does it to them to feel NO REMORSE! NONE!!! NONE AT ALL!!! That’s the most important thing. I want that more than anything. I want someone so lie to them and say they love them and then just rip their heart out without even thinking about it and I want that person to feel fucking awesome about hurting them. I want that person to walk away and do great things and have awesome things happen in their lives. I want the person that hurts them to walk away and get married, have a great career, get clients, have awesome things happen in their lives.   That’s what the fuck I want. More than anything in my fucking life that’s what I want. Fuck all the bullshit. Fuck wishing them well. Who the FUCK wishes me well? When does anyone ever think twice before stabbing me in my heart? WHEN? Someone fucking tell me when??
I was at my friend’s house last weekend. She told me that Chrissy set a date for her wedding and everything. I really really really really really wish she hadn’t told me that. I don’t want to know about that whore’s life. I damn sure don’t want to know how awesome it is. Earlier that day I spoke to J’s business partner and I stupidly asked about J. I asked the question. I did it to myself. Then he tells me how good J’s doing. Good for him. He’s not sitting here flipping out about me. Neither is she. I have this underlying feeling that everyone walks away from me unscathed. Effortlessly. I don’t know if that’s true. But to me it’s a very very very real feeling.
I feel like a cloud just lifted from me. That was a lot of poison that I just let out. I feel like a person again.