PTSD workbook writing assignment 3 of 4
Ok, so its been a REALLY long time since I've worked on this here, but here it goes. Today I was at the therapist, and we have been going through what happened to me. I verbalize it, and she writes it down. First day we did this I pretty much told the "whole" story. What i told was all of the logistics of what happened, and even then, i spoke a lot about what happened before, and after, but not very much detail about during. So the next session, she reads the story back to me, and pauses at certain places and asks me how did i feel at that point, or is there any more detail about that part. The second session was much more difficult. And then there was today, when I just could no physically finish it. I start talking about the actual event.... Its like I told her, the problem is not that I don't remember the details I remember every part of it. I just cant bring myself to talk about it. She is really good i think. She does not pressure me to say anything that I dont feel ready to say yet, and I also noticed that today when she was reading back to me the story, the first part, the part just before all of the bad stuff, for the first time I felt almost like a third party talking about what had happened. I wasn't flashbacky or anything like that. Anyway, when I was trying to talk about the actual bad part, I was way too in the moment, bordering on flashbacks, near tears. ( last session i actually did cry ) She asked me to stop telling the story, and talk about what was going on right now. What was going on in my head? How was I feeling?
After much stuttering i finally told her that Its so very hard for me to talk about this because i feel judged all of the time. And i don't feel like she is judging me, or i would not say a single word. I had to explain it like this. A lot of times I will need to tell my wife something. Its usually something that i forgot, or something that did not work. Well before I even open my mouth in my mind we have this whole discussion which breaks down into an argument that turns into a fight (no violence I have never hit anyone in my entire life). So before I even say one word to her I am already bent out of shape and angry because i fully expect the argument to start. I have recently realized that if i admit what happened calmly and work with her on a solution she usually does not get mad. I just..... take certain emotions and attach them to people making my self believe that they think a certain way without ever asking them.
It was at this point that my therapist told me that what i had just described was a symptom of someone who has experienced trauma. That caught me totally off guard. I thought that I was the only person who did that.
She explained to me that right now we are working on desensitizing me from the trauma. Not forgetting it, or "getting over" it, just getting to a place where I can talk about it without having a complete melt down. Once the intense emotions are brought under control she will then work with me on retraining different thought processes. The same thought process that i learned at 6 years old to deal with this. Such as placing an emotion or belief onto someone with out ever talking with that person. Or having my mind freeze in a confrontational situation.
I do feel hopeful about the future, but the now is so very hard to deal with. So right here right now I will say some of the things that I could not say in my session.
He made me give him a blow job. He threatened to feed me to the pigs if i did not. The whole thing lasted what seemed like a very long time. I remember him smiling.... putting his hand on my head... the sounds he made. It was so very humiliating. This is all i can say rignt now.
38ish years, and I remember that more clearly than what i did two days ago.
After much stuttering i finally told her that Its so very hard for me to talk about this because i feel judged all of the time. And i don't feel like she is judging me, or i would not say a single word. I had to explain it like this. A lot of times I will need to tell my wife something. Its usually something that i forgot, or something that did not work. Well before I even open my mouth in my mind we have this whole discussion which breaks down into an argument that turns into a fight (no violence I have never hit anyone in my entire life). So before I even say one word to her I am already bent out of shape and angry because i fully expect the argument to start. I have recently realized that if i admit what happened calmly and work with her on a solution she usually does not get mad. I just..... take certain emotions and attach them to people making my self believe that they think a certain way without ever asking them.
It was at this point that my therapist told me that what i had just described was a symptom of someone who has experienced trauma. That caught me totally off guard. I thought that I was the only person who did that.
She explained to me that right now we are working on desensitizing me from the trauma. Not forgetting it, or "getting over" it, just getting to a place where I can talk about it without having a complete melt down. Once the intense emotions are brought under control she will then work with me on retraining different thought processes. The same thought process that i learned at 6 years old to deal with this. Such as placing an emotion or belief onto someone with out ever talking with that person. Or having my mind freeze in a confrontational situation.
I do feel hopeful about the future, but the now is so very hard to deal with. So right here right now I will say some of the things that I could not say in my session.
He made me give him a blow job. He threatened to feed me to the pigs if i did not. The whole thing lasted what seemed like a very long time. I remember him smiling.... putting his hand on my head... the sounds he made. It was so very humiliating. This is all i can say rignt now.
38ish years, and I remember that more clearly than what i did two days ago.
Replies