PTSD workbook writing assignment 2 of 4
I skipped a day. My crazy work schedule again.
Now I'm at a real loss. I wrote about most of it last time. For completely unrelated reasons, my parents got a divorce about a month later. Because of this we did stay at that house. So luckily for me as quickly as it started, it ended as well. Now at the time I told no one. I held that secret for 33 years. I guess I just wanted that event to have never happened so badly that i just told nobody and tried to put it out of my mind. I never truly forgot. Different thing would remind me about it, but for some reason, since i knew nobody knew... I could always just pretend like nothing had bothered me. The psychological toll that I was paying for that was going completely unnoticed. I was thought of as "quirky, and shy". I have been finding out that so many of the things that I do, and ways that I think are directly related to that one moment. It is very frustrating.
Well when I first told my wife, it was like I opened up a flood gate. You see, my wife is very observant, and throughout our marriage, she would ask me if something had happened to me as a child. Apparently I displayed Inconsistent behaviors that led her to that belief. I would always deny that anything had happened. One day we were having an argument, and she asks me that question again. I said, "yes". And then I could not stop talking. It just all came out, and for months it was horrible. i couldnt sleep, had nightmares every time i did sleep. I would just start crying for no apparent reason. And for the first time in my life I seriously contemplated suicide. I actually ended up in a mental hospital for about a week
When I first told my wife the whole story of what had happened, I started to doubt my own story. I do know for a fact that I had never up until that point seen the pigs, and their pond, and i never again saw them. So I got on Google maps and found the old place. With the satellite view I could make out the pond just exactly where i had describe that it would be. I think that deep inside, I was hoping to confirm that my memories were lies. So when I saw that pig pond... It just hit me so hard.
About 2 years ago, I almost drove by in that direction. I very seriously considered going there. That would have been a very awkward conversation at somebodies front door. "You dont know me, but I was raped on your property. I was just wondering If I could take a look around your pond in the back there."
but the point of this exercise is to get my feelings out. How do I feel? I just dont know. Right now my feelings seem to be wrapped up tight.
Now I'm at a real loss. I wrote about most of it last time. For completely unrelated reasons, my parents got a divorce about a month later. Because of this we did stay at that house. So luckily for me as quickly as it started, it ended as well. Now at the time I told no one. I held that secret for 33 years. I guess I just wanted that event to have never happened so badly that i just told nobody and tried to put it out of my mind. I never truly forgot. Different thing would remind me about it, but for some reason, since i knew nobody knew... I could always just pretend like nothing had bothered me. The psychological toll that I was paying for that was going completely unnoticed. I was thought of as "quirky, and shy". I have been finding out that so many of the things that I do, and ways that I think are directly related to that one moment. It is very frustrating.
Well when I first told my wife, it was like I opened up a flood gate. You see, my wife is very observant, and throughout our marriage, she would ask me if something had happened to me as a child. Apparently I displayed Inconsistent behaviors that led her to that belief. I would always deny that anything had happened. One day we were having an argument, and she asks me that question again. I said, "yes". And then I could not stop talking. It just all came out, and for months it was horrible. i couldnt sleep, had nightmares every time i did sleep. I would just start crying for no apparent reason. And for the first time in my life I seriously contemplated suicide. I actually ended up in a mental hospital for about a week
When I first told my wife the whole story of what had happened, I started to doubt my own story. I do know for a fact that I had never up until that point seen the pigs, and their pond, and i never again saw them. So I got on Google maps and found the old place. With the satellite view I could make out the pond just exactly where i had describe that it would be. I think that deep inside, I was hoping to confirm that my memories were lies. So when I saw that pig pond... It just hit me so hard.
About 2 years ago, I almost drove by in that direction. I very seriously considered going there. That would have been a very awkward conversation at somebodies front door. "You dont know me, but I was raped on your property. I was just wondering If I could take a look around your pond in the back there."
but the point of this exercise is to get my feelings out. How do I feel? I just dont know. Right now my feelings seem to be wrapped up tight.
Replies
Very often, when my husband gets snitty, his arguments don\'t seem to have anything to do with me. It is like he is arguing AT me instead of WITH me.
It took me a long time to learn how to dodge these arguments and focus on learning who he is really arguing with. It is a lifetime proposition. Works. This crazy old wolf mated for life.
Your feelings may still be wrapped up tight, but you are gaining some clues on where to tug at the wrapping paper without ripping your life to shreds.
And best of all, you are officially half way through the step. Congrats.